I started my job at the library very soon after starting this blog.  It was kind of a desperate time, and I didn’t have many options, and then this perfect job appeared.  The main thing was that I needed to be working full time, but I really did not want to put school on hold.  The hours were kind of unconventional and even in the interview my future boss found a subtle way to ask, “Really, you want to work until midnight every night?”  It sounded a little crazy to me, but I needed a job.

If my blog had an acknowledgments section, the library would be listed first.  I basically spend the last three hours of every night sitting at the circulation desk and when I’m not helping people, I can be working on my own things.  This is where I’ve done at least 85% of all of my blog writing in the last three years.  Whenever circumstances are different and I don’t have this time, my blog suffers (see: every Summer).

There is something magical about this time.  I am trying to describe it right now as I am currently experiencing it.  The library is quiet, but not too quiet.  Most of the internet has gone to sleep. It is the end of the day. Spending this time blogging is my reward for getting the things I really needed to do done earlier in the day.  This is a large part of why blogging has always been fun for me and not an obligation.

It is by no means a real hardship, but there is something a little extreme about working until midnight.  Because there are parts of the year when I work a normal schedule, I notice the contrast.  Working days, it’s a lot easier to slip into autopilot.  That thing where you get up and go to work and spend all day there and then come home and do nothing and then get up the next morning and go to work. Known also as that thing that scares me to death.

The other thing about working late is that I spend a lot of time alone.  It has taken me by surprise this week, and at first it gave me pause that I even noticed it, because I like being alone.  Being alone is not lonely to me.  But the quiet of being alone is noticeable and it makes it harder to ignore yourself.  Over the Summer, I got used to the distraction of other people, even if I wasn’t really connecting with them.

Combine time to write with awareness and solitude, and you get Advanced Level Introspection that results in posts like the one I wrote yesterday.  It is obvious and yet so interesting to me to realize that I would never have written that under different circumstances and I would not have written most of the 650 posts on this blog under different circumstances.  The obvious part is that the content would be different, but the less obvious part is that the person writing would be different.

I have learned about myself in the last few years that despite being possibly the most reasonable person you know, I like extremes.  You know, the highly-structured kind that take place in safe environments like libraries.  As far as you know, I don’t fight crime, but here I am still at work when most people are somewhere near bed.  I think it’s fear of monotony with a dash of why the hell not? and a sprinkling of ambition.

All of this to say that I am still awake and feeling more myself this week than I have all Summer.  Currently contemplating, well, everything and with at least ten posts in mind to write.  I should probably space them out to avoid sounding like a crazy person.  I should also probably thank you for not just giving me a reason to spend this time writing, but for so often keeping me company these late nights.  Love your faces.

At a certain point I realized that if I continued to deny being a workaholic, I was going to lose all of my street cred as a self-aware kind of person.  It was probably the point at which I stopped telling people how much I was doing, because I was embarrassed.  I was working 15 hour days, six days a week.  And that was just the time I was physically at work or school.  That’s not counting hours at home or in the library spent studying.

I did it because I really wanted to be out of debt. And can I just say that not only was it totally worth it, but it really wasn’t that bad.  Hard work is hard work, but like any experience, you get something out of it.  I got out of debt and learned just how much I am capable of.  I don’t regret for a second taking the crazy route instead of comfortably sitting under the threat of financial ruin.  I’m sure it would have been nice to have my evenings free, but doing something was the better choice.

I never had any intention of working that much forever.  The point of all the hard work was that I was getting myself into a position where I wouldn’t have to work so much.  So once I paid off my debt, I scaled back my hours at my part time job.  I started sleeping again and that made all the difference in the world.  Those extra hours felt precious.  They still do.  I had intended to quit that job completely, but when the opportunity came along to stay in a limited capacity, I took it.

As Summer approached, I wasn’t sure what to do about my part-time job.  I like the job, I love the people, and it’s a good place to be for the benefit of my academic career.  But, having two jobs is not the same as just working a lot at one job (something I already do anyway).  It occupies space in your brain.  You always feel like you’re not doing enough.  I’ve worked two or more jobs for most of the last six years, and now I am excited to only have one. I officially quit my part-time job.

This post was originally titled something like, “Dialing Back the Crazy,” because I was thinking that with just one job, I would have so much time.  It’s true!  I’m working 8.5 hours a day and only 5 days a week.  But, the workaholic fire burns on.  I have this short list of huge projects and working on them seems to fill up every spare hour.  And, once again, I’m happy about.  Happier, even, than I was while working just to earn money.

I have always treated working at a job where I have specific tasks and, you know, get paid very differently from my own writing projects.  That makes it very easy to push aside the writing in favor of either the jobs that pay or watching everything that was ever available on Netflix Instant (believe me, I do the lazy thing about as well as I do workaholic).  I don’t know what’s changed, but I’m not doing that this time.  The hours I used to spend at a second job, I have now dedicated to a job that doesn’t pay (can I be my own intern?): writing.

I find it a little more difficult to judge my own productivity in work like this.  Was I being productive when I spent hours organizing all of my lists and goals on Evernote?  I do like to feel organized.  When I want to blog, should I do that or should I force myself to work on bigger projects?  Is drinking on the job appropriate? When I get home from work and then spend every hour until bedtime working at my desk, I can’t tell if I’ve done the right thing.

I accept now that I’m something of a workaholic.  And I could write so many things about that, but I think the first thing people want to say is, “Make sure you’re having fun too.”  At least, that’s what my dad (who is also a workaholic) is always reminding me to do!  Well, I am.  So much fun.  The work itself is fun and then I get to do awesome things like go to Vegas and plan a trip to Austin.

The intensity may be high, but I like where it’s taking me.

2011 by the month: January, February, March, and April.

You know how I’m a full time grad student and I have two jobs, one of which is full time.  I start work at 9am and I get off work at midnight.  15 hours a day, at least 5 days a week.  And I’ve been doing this for about a year and a half now.

I kind of figured I’d just keep doing it until I couldn’t anymore.  I pictured some dramatic scene where I’m crying in a professor’s office or lying on the floor under my desk in the fetal position.   But, damn if I don’t just get better and better at it.  This semester I even managed to do it all with nice hair instead of falling into a tragic cycle of messy buns.

It’s really not that bad.  I’m happy.  I’m healthy.  I still talk to people.  I haven’t been defeated by anxiety.  I’m tired, but only in the I need sleep way and not the I’m exhausted by life way.

Not to imply that I pull it off perfectly.  I almost never do all of the reading for class.  I finish most of my papers within hours of when they’re due.  I never show up for work more than 30 seconds early. I say no to a lot of things.  I take too long to return phone calls.  I don’t always match. On Wednesdays, I usually end up eating chips for dinner. And I constantly feel like I am not doing enough.  But, if I’m being honest, most of these things would still be true even if I had all of the time in the world.

The part that gets to me is that I always have somewhere to be.  Mostly I just keep going without thinking much about it.  Once in a while I think about how nice it would be to just spend a random evening on the couch or to actually get enough sleep.  At its worst, I have to put off dealing with emotional things, because crying at work draws unwanted attention.  I’m sure this practice is responsible for the three (one, two, three) breakdowns I’ve had this year that were more unsettling than anything I’ve experienced before (and this sensitive girl is no stranger to tears).

It sounds bad.  Actually, to me it sounds ridiculous.  But, it’s worth it.  So obviously worth it. It’s about more than just this to me, but I’m about to pay off what was once a huge amount of debt.  A debt that would have taken me years to pay off if I was a more reasonable person.  It’s also been about the challenge of seeing just how much I can do; verdict: way more than I ever expected.  I don’t feel like I’ve given up much  to accomplish these things, because the experiences have been valuable and I’ve put myself in a position where I can now do something else.  It’s been an interesting period of my life and an important one.

What it comes down to is, though I could keep doing this for a really long time, I don’t want to.  I want to get more sleep and eat better meals and write fiction and go for long walks and read for fun and spend time in coffee shops and finish my degree and enjoy long phone conversations and exercise.  At least, I want to have no excuse not to do these things.  And, okay, I will still be a PhD student who works too much, so lets not get carried away, but my schedule is so rigid now that even a few extra hours would make a big difference.

A big goal of mine for 2011 is to find a way to work less (I sound so much like my dad right now that it’s freaking me out).  Practically speaking, this means quitting my part time job.  I’m not going to do it right away.  I haven’t gotten everything I can out of it yet and I want to build my savings first.  Before Summer for sure.  I’m ready to live with some breathing room, by which I mean sit-on-the-couch-doing-nothing room.

I’ve been a total grump about work for the last two weeks. I love my job and I’m really grateful to have it; I know you have to preface any work complaints with statements like that in this economy, but it’s really true. I work in an academic library, so the public I deal with is limited by a lot of factors, but it’s still the public. And this highly educated public might be better at complaining than even the general public. Or maybe they just value their own opinions more.

I’m a pretty easy going, generally cheerful person, but there’s only so much I can take. I start getting frustrated and short with everyone and then doubly so, because I’m so annoyed at myself for being such a grump. Sometimes it just feels like little pieces of me are being chipped away by each person who walks up to the desk. Not to be dramatic about it or anything.

So I had this whole post written about my frustration with work and I was all ready to publish it today, but then I had an unexplained change of attitude. It wasn’t because I willed myself to be cheerful or someone made me laugh or I realized how lucky I am or the kind of supernatural miracle I don’t believe in occurred. I don’t know what it was, but it feels nice. I feel cheerful and not frustrated or annoyed with myself. I feel light and while I still feel like being honest about what I’m experiencing, I don’t want to post a whole big thing about it.

What’s weird is that I’m sick and it’s been a really long day. This is the last day I should have a sudden attitude reversal. Life can be mighty difficult with its ability to throw a bunch of crap at you all of a sudden, but it’s sudden instances of joy provide relief once in a while.  Candy Corn helps too.  And alcohol.

Have a great weekend!

Well, damn.  I had planned to blog about something light hearted today.  Cotton candy and puppies and rainbows, perhaps.  But, mid-morning yesterday an email went out at work about a mandatory staff meeting that afternoon.  I didn’t think much about it at first.  Mandatory staff meetings aren’t out of the ordinary, though they’re usually announced with weeks and not just hours notice.  I didn’t start to worry until my boss’s boss came in and assured us that though there would be some bad news, everything would be okay.  It wouldn’t be that bad.  What was supposed to calm me actually started me freaking out.

Worst case scenario and all I really cared about was lay offs.  We already knew we were losing a bunch of people to voluntary early retirement and that a few other positions had been eliminated, so we weren’t expecting anything more.  But, there was more.  The CEO went through all the details of why we need to cut millions from our budget and then he got to the news we were all waiting for: 10 people losing their jobs.    I’m not one of them.

It doesn’t get a lot of press, because everyone is suffering in this economic mess we’re in, but universities have been hit really hard.   Endowments are in big trouble, students are in greater need of aid, and things don’t look to be improving quickly, so schools are taking drastic action in order to weather this storm long term.  I’ve already felt this as a student, but now I feel it as an employee of an academic library.

I had several reactions to this news:

• It sucks.
• At first it seemed to all of us like people losing their jobs right now was the same as a death sentence.  Not to be dramatic or anything.  I’ve since come to my senses a bit, but it is scary.  Jobs aren’t exactly plenty, especially for people whose experience is in libraries, which are not-for-profit and in trouble everywhere.
• I actually felt bad for the CEO, having to do this to people.  I have big career aspirations, but they don’t include being in charge of several other people’s livelihood.  I couldn’t do it.
• Even with all this upheaval, I still work in a really nice environment where I feel like my bosses care about my well-being.   I work with people who are self-motivated, like what they do, and watch out for each other. That makes me beyond lucky.
• I don’t feel more grateful to have a job today, because I have, for reasons I’m not sure of, always felt really grateful for employment and very happy to work.
• Not being one of the ones laid off does something to your head.  I feel stupid for feeling bad, since I have a job.  I also keep thinking that I don’t deserve to still have a job more than anyone else.  I’m a good employee, but so were those who lost their jobs.
• Selfishly, I was glad I didn’t know those who were laid off very well, because I would have cried right there in the middle of the meeting.  I almost did that anyway.  Have I mentioned how easily I cry?  Yeah, I’m a wimp.
• I’ve said this before, but I really believe that even if this economic crisis doesn’t get any worse, even if I never end up like the Joads, it will have affected the way I look at money and employment and financial security.
• I know it’s in all the books, but the sneak attack is just so cruel.  Most of the people who lost their jobs didn’t know until sometime in the hour before the meeting.  I’ve never been fired or laid off before, so I just can’t imagine suddenly not having a job.
• My boss is retiring at the end of this month, which makes me very sad.  I just can’t imagine her not being there anymore.  My ego is seriously going to suffer without her constantly telling me how awesome I am. Ugh.
• A giant rainbow-chip cookie and also the developing news about Governor Sanford made the day a little better.  A plain old hypocritical Republican affair is old news, but this one had all kinds of twists thrown in.  I refuse to read the emails, though.  It’s like reading someone’s journal.  No can do.

I often hear people complain about retail clerks and servers, saying things like, “they have no business being in the service industry!”

I have to admit that my gut reaction is to take the side of the clerk or server. I’ve certainly received bad service before–some instances even made me angry–but, for the most part, if I get what I asked for and get out of there in a reasonable amount of time, then I’m happy. I don’t care if you make small talk with me or smile or even look me in the eyes. If tips are involved, then I might give more for super awesome service, but I’ll always leave something decent, even if the service wasn’t spectacular.

I know people in the service industry who agree with me, and people in the service industry who expect a very high level of service at all times. So, I don’t think this boils down to whether a person has experience working with people or not.

Perhaps my own opinion is shaped by my dislike of working in the service industry. It’s not that I dislike people. It’s not even that I dislike serving people. I just hate the fakeness there where you can’t tell someone they’re acting completely unreasonable and rude. And calm as I may be, I have some serious Soup Nazi tendencies. It’s all I can do to keep myself from yelling at people not to step up to the circulation desk unless they have their library cards ready to go. I mean, why are they always surprised when I ask?!

I guess the other thing is that I realize most people don’t choose service jobs because they had their choice of anything, and that’s what they wanted to do most. I mean, I didn’t work at Bed, Bath, and Beyond my freshman year of college because of my love of bathroom design. It paid the best and that’s who hired me. The jobs I’ve had since then have all been pretty sweet. It’s a relief to me that I no longer have to sell anything. But, in nearly every job, I’ve still had to work with the public, and though I don’t think people on the whole are evil or stupid, they are annoying. So, as much as I admire those people who can put on a happy face and serve with a smile, I’m understanding of those who don’t or can’t.

So, tell me. What kind of service do you expect, and how are your views shaped by your own experiences working in the service industry?

I’d really like to punch someone in the face right now. Not anyone in particular–just someone.

I’m not angry or depressed or unhappy. I just want to punch someone.

I’m annoyed at library patrons who don’t have their cards ready and don’t know how to use a library. Soon I’ll be like the library version of the Soup Nazi. I’d like to be that person who answers every question cheerfully, and I usually am, but I spend too much time here to keep it up 100%.

I don’t hate my job. I like it actually. And, I feel really lucky to have it.

I’ll walk away tonight feeling perfectly fine.

But, hold me back from the next person who asks a stupid question. As someone who wants to teach, I think I’m obligated to believe there is no such thing as a stupid question. But, there definitely is. The last ten people I’ve talked to have provided all the proof I need.

If you’re wondering why 10 million Americans are without jobs, it’s because I’m hogging them all. Somehow I got another job last week, which means I have either three or four jobs now, depending on how you count. I’ll call this #3.

At the end of last May (the exact time I started this blog), I was working on a grant proposal for one of my professors. It was extremely stressful, because I was basically doing it on my own, I knew it was for a lot of money, and I had zero experience writing grants. In September, we found out that we got the grant!

The proposal was for a series of conferences the details of which I won’t bore you with, but the relevant part is that I’ve been named the travel coordinator for the first conference. It’s nice to have a title, but the job itself sounds not fun at all. I’ll be booking individual flights for over 30 participants coming from all over the country. At least I get paid for this.

But, to be honest, I’d do it even if I had to volunteer. Succeeding in the academy is all about making connections. I never thought to say no to this job offer, because working with my professors means excellent recommendation letters and more opportunities. These relationships have to last me a long time. It’s a really small, very competitive academic world, and being a good student is not nearly enough. At least, these are the things I tell myself when I’m making copies in the only non-air conditioned room on campus, or summarizing a 500 page book into three pages.

Speaking of work, next week I have my first big girl performance review for my real job. It seems weird to call it my real job, because even though it pays most of my bills and provides we with health insurance, it’s the least stressful of them all and has the least to do with my career goals. The review should go well. My boss is insanely nice to me, and gives me more positive feedback than I even know what to do with. I love and hate being evaluated.

I’m going to be honest, and say that I feel totally ridiculous talking about things like career goals. I should leave such things to the adults.

I think I’ve proclaimed my love for Fridays more than once, but they just got better, because now they are the start to my weekend. I work Sunday through Thursday, but after a short class in the morning, Fridays are my own. I want to scream TGIF in everyone’s face, but that might be annoying. It’s also payday!

• School started this week. Actually, for me, school started yesterday. I only have two classes, and they’re on Thursdays and Fridays. I guess I’ve finally accepted that Summer is over. Before yesterday I was protesting the start of Fall by refusing to buy books and make other preparations. But, I give in, and I’m even a little bit excited about the start of my favorite season.

• I have a lot to do this semester. I’ll be working almost 50 hours a week, taking two small classes, writing my thesis, and applying to schools. I think I can do it.

• My mom and step-dad are coming to visit me next week. I’m really excited. My mom has been here once, and my step dad never. Good company, good meals–sweet!

• For anyone wondering, my iPhone and I are doing well. We have a very healthy relationship. To my relief, I have not become one of those people constantly on the phone, and no more near accidents. It really does come in handy all the time. I got off work at midnight the other day, and I really needed to sign up for an appointment with my professor. The list is outside his office, but all the lights outside the building were off. Thankfully, I have a flashlight application on my phone, which turns the screen completely white and acts, obviously, as a flashlight. It did the trick! I know you’re thinking, “Ashley, a real flashlight would be a lot cheaper.” But, the point is that a flashlight can’t check email and facebook.

• I have never been one to hate on freshman, but oh my gosh, the questions some of these students ask at the library. It’s pretty obvious they’ve never used a library before, but walking into a huge building full of books and thinking we’ll be able to find them the right book even though they don’t know the title, author, or even the name of their professor, that’s just a lack of common sense, right? I’m cool with the ones who don’t know what to do and ask for help, but there are some who don’t realize they’re being ridiculous.

• It’s been surprisingly easy to get back into my healthy eating mode. On Monday, I had to say no to breakfast pastries, pizza (my favorite), and cookies. They were all part of our training day at work, but resisting wasn’t that hard (that’s rare). I’ve also enjoyed my time at the gym, though I haven’t had the best or most intense of workouts.

• Last weekend, I made a post about Adorable Boy. This week I saw him again. It was busy, so I didn’t get to talk to him, but he handed me a book, and looked at me oddly, which was probably a hey didn’t you used to work at the other library (a question everyone has asked me) look, but I read it paranoiacally as hey I read your blog and I know what you think of me and my green Crocs even though I have no way of knowing you have a blog look. You understand.

• Hey, writing that post last week shamed me into actually finishing a book. Me Talk Pretty One Day was great (as expected). I think I’m going to read Obama’s autobiography next, but already my free time available for reading has shrunk to almost nothing.

• The main elevator at the library broke last Sunday. Actually, it broke twice. And, both times there were people in it. Both times the emergency phone inside didn’t work, but the people had cell phones on them. Both times, it took more than an hour to get the people out. I avoid it when I can, but I can’t always. Hey, one of these days you may see a post titled I GOT STUCK IN A FREAKING ELEVATOR!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAH0ZAay0xU

Yesterday, we drove 6 hours across Washington State to make my plane at SeaTac. I got home about midnight, and then started my new job at 8:30 this morning. The turn around wasn’t as bad as I expected, but in all the hurry I hardly thought about what starting this job means.

I’ve always worked, but in a lot of ways, this is my first real job. Full time. Salaried. Benefits. I didn’t expect to say all that until I got a professorship. But, that road is so long, and I’m excited to have this opportunity to get myself in a more secure position.

Still, even dressed in my fancy clothes and despite my age, I feel like I’m just playing at being an adult. I’m singing “9 to 5″ in my head and laughing at myself.

I just had a really exciting 15 minutes.

1. I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!! They just called and offered it to me. I jumped around my apartment for a minute, and then I went back to putting on my make-up.

2. While I was standing at the mirror putting on eyeshadow, I felt a little shaking. No big deal, I live in apartments, so that happens. Then the shaking didn’t stop. It took me a second to realize it was an earthquake. I walked the few feet to the door frame and looked out at my apartment as it continued to shake. I guess it was a 5.8, and the epicenter was pretty close to me.

This is the third substantial earthquake I’ve been through. They’ve all started in the same way. You feel shaking, but it takes you a minute to realize that it’s not stopping. After the initial realization, they’ve all been very different, though. This one felt like real shaking, and it went on for an uncomfortably long time. The last substantial quake I experienced was back in high school. I was in the last place you’d want to be during an earthquake: the chemistry lab. We were surrounded by walls of cabinets with glass fronts that were full of glass beakers! After the initial shock, we climbed under our desks as we’d been practicing since elementary school. The weird thing about that one was that you could actually see the ground moving in waves like the ocean. Yay for living on the west coast, I guess! I haven’t heard of any major damage yet. I hope everyone is safe.

3. Day #1 of writing was successful! I finished chapter 19, which means I have two more to go. I was going to write more about writing, but with today’s excitement, I think I’ll save that for tomorrow. I really should be working on the novel right now anyway.

This week has been surprisingly productive. I took care of several things I’ve been avoiding for some time, made progress on the novel, and had two interviews.

• I twittered (tweeted or twitted) about this earlier in the week, but on Tuesday I spent 5 hours at the DMV. In a piece of fiction, I once described a character as someone who could even make waiting in line at the DMV a good time. High praise indeed! But, it really wasn’t that bad. The moment I pulled up and saw that the huge parking lot was full at 9:30 in the morning, I resigned myself to being there all day. I didn’t help my own cause by forgetting my birth certificate at home 20 minutes away. When I finally made it back to the DMV, I waited in a really long line to speak to someone, then another line to get my picture taken, then another line to take the written driver’s test, and then another line to get my test graded. Good news! I passed. I now have a California driver’s license. It took me another couple hours to get my car registered.

• Hanging out at the DMV reminded me of when I was learning to drive. I swear that was one of the most stressful times of my life. I wanted to go around and say congratulations to everyone who passed their tests as I sat and waited, because driving for the first time is a big deal, and the DMV people, though they were surprisingly nice, didn’t seem too excited for anyone. The woman who graded my test didn’t even tell me I passed!

• It’s been almost a month, so this is officially the longest I’ve gone without a job since I was 17. It’s funny, because I’ve been so busy stressing myself out with things both important and inconsequential that I haven’t enjoyed it at all. But, I’m enjoying it now!

• There’s only one more week to wait before the (sort of) final Twilight book is released! I have to admit I’m actually more excited about this than I was about the last few Harry Potter books. Don’t get me wrong, Harry Potter is the superior series, but it’s hard to maintain obsessive levels of excitement for years on end. I only started reading Twilight in May.

• I was talking to my dad on the phone last night, and he asked me if I go through periods of time while working on the novel where I just feel really creative and writing feels effortless. I said, yes! But, then there are times where every word comes out slowly and painfully. I’m experiencing the latter right now. I have the rest of the novel planned out in detail, but the writing has become arduous. This is all part of the experience, I guess. I can’t imagine that a person who waited for inspiration would ever finish a novel.

• Bare Minerals is seriously amazing stuff. I do not have the budget for an expensive makeup habit, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me.

• Both of my interviews went well, especially the one for the job I really want. Now, I wait.

• Tomorrow I’m hanging out with my bff. I swear I’ve seen her more in the last month than I have in the last couple years. We only live about 35 minutes away from each other now, but she’s a law student, I’m a grad student, and gas is expensive.

It’s not really my dream job. I guess that would be getting paid to teach theology or write novels or shop online. But, it’s my dream job for the circumstances I find myself in right now. It’s another library position, but not at my school. What makes this seem like my dream job is the high wage, large number of hours, and close proximity. I’d have to work until midnight, but that would free me up to sit in on classes and take on research assistant positions during the day. The contract would only be for 9 months, so I won’t have to find some way to explain that I have no idea where I’ll be heading this time next year. Did I mention the high wage?

My sister does this weird thing where she doesn’t tell people what she’s doing until she already has the results. So, we didn’t know she’d applied to a university until she was already accepted, and we didn’t know she was studying to be a realtor until she was almost finished with that too. I tell her she’s very strange for this, but I sometimes do the same thing. If you never tell people you’re taking a chance, then you never have to explain or even react when you fail. You don’t have to admit that you really wanted something, and now you’re really disappointed not to get it. And, the charade continues that you’re perfect and content.

I don’t want to be that way. I want to be more honest with other people and with myself, even if the result is me sometimes looking like an big idiot. Plus, I think when you put what you want out into the world, you get better results. I don’t mean the things you want will come flooding forward in any kind of a fated, magical way, but that you’ll be focused on what you want and other people will be able to help you, because they too will know what you want.

So, hello world! I want this job. I want to be accepted into a good PhD program. I want to publish a novel. And, I want this from Sephora!

UPDATE!: I have an interview Friday at 10 am.

• I love Fridays. They are easily my favorite day of the week. But, I’m kind of annoyed at this one just because it came so quickly. What happened to the week? I accomplished exactly nothing. Does it ever happen that you get used to time passing by so fast? I’m still stuck in the mindset of a kid, where the hours tick by slowly and your only job is to save yourself from boredom.

• I’m running around today. A professor of mine is moving here from Northern California, and he’s paying me to drive him around and pick things up. When he called me at 8:30, I tried really hard to sound awake, but I think I failed.

• Speaking of making money, I think I got a job. I haven’t actually interviewed, but I was recommended by someone, and the owner of the shop keeps talking to me like the job is already mine. I’ll take it!

• My friend Lisa is coming over tomorrow to see my new place. We’ll probably play some games, because that’s one of the lame things we do. Unfortunately, neither of us have many games here, so we end up playing Mystery Date all the time. “Dan, he’s my man!”

• I keep listening to “Homecoming” by Kanye West and Chris Martin on repeat–not because the song is so great, but because my iTunes is set on repeat, and it always takes me a while to notice I’ve been listening to the same song over and over. What does that say about me?

• I really haven’t written much this week. The big, dramatic scenes fly out so much faster than the slow, relationship-building stuff.

• I just booked my ticket home to Washington. I’ll be gone for about nine days. I don’t know what I’ll do with all of that time, since none of my friends live at home anymore, but I go home so rarely now.

• Been watching episodes of Daria on YouTube. I love this show!

• And, for no good reason, I’ll leave you with a picture of Robert Pattinson from Twilight.

I know this is equivalent to complaining about traffic or gas prices–things that no one enjoys–but I hate looking for jobs. I start out pretty hopeful, but the hunt slowly sucks all the life out of me. When I’m looking for a job, I start to feel like there was never a time before the search began. I wish there was a professional way to say, “I’m a fucking awesome employee. Hire me now!” My job history should make that clear, but I guess it doesn’t speak loudly enough. I’m not asking for much. I don’t even mind that no one cares about my Bachelor’s degree. I just want to work somewhere clean and safe and legitimate.

I know the way to find a job is treat the job hunt like a job in itself, but I almost don’t know how to do that. Or maybe I do know how, and I just hate it. I can’t sell myself without feeling like a phony, but I guess that’s what it takes, and I’ll just have to get over it.