Writing to Reach You » Weight Loss

Way back when I first started blogging, I wrote a lot about weight loss. Since that first Summer, I haven’t talked much about it, because I’ve been eating like crap and not exercising. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’ve pretty much gained back most of the weight I lost. With all of the things I’m working toward now, I want to be healthy too. So, here is the first in what I hope will be a weekly series of weight loss vlogs.

I’m also participating in a group blog started by LiLu called In It To Gym It.

Fridays Just Got Better

Ashley — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:00:46 +0000

I think I’ve proclaimed my love for Fridays more than once, but they just got better, because now they are the start to my weekend. I work Sunday through Thursday, but after a short class in the morning, Fridays are my own. I want to scream TGIF in everyone’s face, but that might be annoying. It’s also payday!

School started this week. Actually, for me, school started yesterday. I only have two classes, and they’re on Thursdays and Fridays. I guess I’ve finally accepted that Summer is over. Before yesterday I was protesting the start of Fall by refusing to buy books and make other preparations. But, I give in, and I’m even a little bit excited about the start of my favorite season.

I have a lot to do this semester. I’ll be working almost 50 hours a week, taking two small classes, writing my thesis, and applying to schools. I think I can do it.

My mom and step-dad are coming to visit me next week. I’m really excited. My mom has been here once, and my step dad never. Good company, good meals–sweet!

For anyone wondering, my iPhone and I are doing well. We have a very healthy relationship. To my relief, I have not become one of those people constantly on the phone, and no more near accidents. It really does come in handy all the time. I got off work at midnight the other day, and I really needed to sign up for an appointment with my professor. The list is outside his office, but all the lights outside the building were off. Thankfully, I have a flashlight application on my phone, which turns the screen completely white and acts, obviously, as a flashlight. It did the trick! I know you’re thinking, “Ashley, a real flashlight would be a lot cheaper.” But, the point is that a flashlight can’t check email and facebook.

I have never been one to hate on freshman, but oh my gosh, the questions some of these students ask at the library. It’s pretty obvious they’ve never used a library before, but walking into a huge building full of books and thinking we’ll be able to find them the right book even though they don’t know the title, author, or even the name of their professor, that’s just a lack of common sense, right? I’m cool with the ones who don’t know what to do and ask for help, but there are some who don’t realize they’re being ridiculous.

It’s been surprisingly easy to get back into my healthy eating mode. On Monday, I had to say no to breakfast pastries, pizza (my favorite), and cookies. They were all part of our training day at work, but resisting wasn’t that hard (that’s rare). I’ve also enjoyed my time at the gym, though I haven’t had the best or most intense of workouts.

Last weekend, I made a post about Adorable Boy. This week I saw him again. It was busy, so I didn’t get to talk to him, but he handed me a book, and looked at me oddly, which was probably a hey didn’t you used to work at the other library (a question everyone has asked me) look, but I read it paranoiacally as hey I read your blog and I know what you think of me and my green Crocs even though I have no way of knowing you have a blog look. You understand.

Hey, writing that post last week shamed me into actually finishing a book. Me Talk Pretty One Day was great (as expected). I think I’m going to read Obama’s autobiography next, but already my free time available for reading has shrunk to almost nothing.

The main elevator at the library broke last Sunday. Actually, it broke twice. And, both times there were people in it. Both times the emergency phone inside didn’t work, but the people had cell phones on them. Both times, it took more than an hour to get the people out. I avoid it when I can, but I can’t always. Hey, one of these days you may see a post titled I GOT STUCK IN A FREAKING ELEVATOR!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Fall 2008 Goals

Ashley — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:00:45 +0000

I like to begin things on artificially important dates—like the start of a month. It’s no New Years’, but September 1st seems particularly good for starting over. After a summer of fun, it’s time to get serious for Fall. It’s all in how you look at it, I know.

I’ve already confessed to being a perpetual goal maker. Making goals calms me. It makes me feel productive. It assures me I’m not wasting my life. All of these things are especially important when your 25th birthday looms.

I’m often mildly successful, though usually I make goals, go about my business without ever referring to the goals again, and then look back later and say, “Hey, look at that; I kind of did what I said I wanted to.” I guess in my head I always imagine goal accomplishers having only one focus, and that’s just never the reality. The reality is something much messier and far less intense.

My goals for this Fall are quite a bit different than the normal lists I make. Many of these things I’d complete whether I ever made them goals or not. But, putting them up on my screen makes me feel better.

Write thesis: I technically have until March to finish this, but I want to get it done this Fall. I meant to do it this summer, but I decided to write a novel instead. I’ve tired of my former topic (it was about God and power), though, so I’ll have to pick a new one.
Apply to PhD programs: I really don’t look forward to this. I think I’ve narrowed it down to five schools. It’s going to be a lot of paperwork, a lot of money, and a lot of networking. Oh, and probably a lot of rejection. Though, I’ll be applying to several schools, there are really only two I’m interested in. One of them is across the street from the school I go to now, and the other is in Chicago. For a while, I was dead set on going to Chicago, but staying here seems like the better idea now (though part of me still wants Chicago). As one of my professors told me, “Financial aid will probably make your decision for you” (i.e., I’ll likely choose the program that accepts me and makes getting a PhD most affordable).
Finish the novel: So, I finished the story, and I’ve been working on revisions. Or have I? Yeah, off and on, but not with as much diligence as I should. To be honest, it would probably be smartest for me to put the novel on hold for a while to write my thesis and apply to schools. But, I still want to get to it this Fall, so I’m going to have to get that other stuff out of the way!
$$$$$$$$: Because I’ll only be taking 4 credits this semester, I’ll be spending most of my time working. My job at the library is 40 hours a week, and I’ll be working for two of my professors as well. I need to save and pay down some debts.
Weight loss/fitness: You knew this one was coming. At the New Year, I made a resolution to lose weight. And, holy crap, I did it! For 6 months, I was on plan. I took something of an unintentional break over the summer, but now I’m ready to get back at it. I’m happy with my weight now, but I’d like to keep losing. More importantly, I’d like to get myself back into better shape. I want to swim too. The Olympics made me want to swim.
Participate more in the blog community: I started off well, but as soon as I got a couple regular readers, I got lazy about seeking out new blogs to read and getting people to read me. I’m cool with keeping this place small, but I feel like I’m missing out by not exploring the Blogdom (is that a thing?) further.

Again Again

Ashley — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:15:00 +0000

Here I am again. I feel like my fitness/weight loss posts have been a series of confessions and realizations about which I feel kind of ridiculous. They’ve all been honest, I think. But, I’m too much of a perfectionist and I care too much about what people think of me to say that I’m going to do something and then not do it. It’s embarrassing.

My honest assessment right now is that I’ve been coasting all summer, and I’m mostly okay with that for now. This is very unlike me. Normally, I’m too freaked out about how fast my life is passing to ever feel comfortable just putting in the bare minimum. If I’m not putting full effort into something, then I’m beating myself up about it.

Smell the roses? I don’t know how to do that. But, I am doing it. This summer I’ve had a blast all while not stressing about the things that occupy my mind the rest of the year. Of course, part of the time I’ve been stressing about not stressing, but I’m finally getting over even that. I’m not sure I’m making any sense. What all of these abstractions amount to is that I’ve relaxed the diet and the exercise at least until I get back from vacation later in August. And, I’m okay with that. I think.

But (because there’s always a “but” with me), I do have one goal. I love to run on the trail by my parents’ house. That’s where I started running, and my head often goes back there. I love to run, and I’m in decent running shape now, but it still takes a lot of effort to drag myself outside to get going. My goal while I’m in Washington is just to run.

A Change of Mind

Ashley — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:09:00 +0000

I’ve lately been feeling pretty bad about my weight loss progress. Well, not just my progress, but my body itself. After months of remaining mostly sane about this weight loss thing, I was starting to feel desperate and negative. Something recently happened to change my mind. It was embarrassingly simple.

Early last week I stayed over at a friend’s house to avoid driving all the way back home between Coldplay concerts. While alone the next day, I caught a glimpse of myself in my friend’s full length mirror. I was surprised at what I saw, but I walked away. And then I walked back to the mirror again. It’s not like I don’t have mirrors in my apartment, but seeing myself in a different environment did something to shock me. My realization was that I’m actually quite thin now–maybe even thin enough. The realization has stuck.

I still have a lot of goals. I want to eat better and I want to be in better shape. But, I’m slowly letting go of the desperation and my need to be perfect. This change doesn’t affect much about what I do, but rather what I think about what I do. I’m still stepping up my game, and I’ll still be reporting in on my progress in whatever form it takes.

Updates

Ashley — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:26:00 +0000

It’s Monday, and I promised (myself) to update on the weight loss. This was not the stellar week I was hoping to make it, but I did go to the gym 4 days and had excellent workouts each time. I improved my eating a lot, but I still struggled to keep my calories low. I’ve got a couple things going on at the start of this week, but by Wednesday, I’ll be back to 100%. Whenever I’m doing poorly, I always have this urge to make up some new, elaborate plan, but I know what works and I don’t want to distract myself from doing the hard work by making new plans. I’m not sure if that makes sense outside of my head. What I mean is that I waste time coming up with some grand new plan instead of following the plan I know works. The new plan just makes me feel better about things for a moment; it makes me feel in control. But, bottom line, I want results and I know how to get them. Progress happens not when you create a plan, but when you stick to a plan.

So, the things I have going on? Coldplay concerts! Yes, two of them. I don’t go to concerts much anymore. Actually, I think it’s been a couple years. Mostly it comes down to money. But, even if I was living in a box on the street (or a van down by the river), I would pay to see Coldplay. I’ll report back on the awesomeness!

I’ve tried to keep my Twilight fangirling to a minimum here, but it’s getting harder, especially now that my friend Lisa has read the books and fallen in love with Edward too. A new book in August and the movie in December. In the meantime, we’re fighting the urge to stalk Robert Pattinson around L.A.

Around the middle of last week, I looked at my Google homepage, and where there is usually a forecast that shows 4 bright yellow suns in a row with varying temps of 80-100 degrees, there was a cloud with rain pouring down. I can’t tell you what this did to my heart. I love rain, and, well, absence makes the heart grow fonder (in this case, at least). I just love the moodiness of rain. Plus, it reminds me of home. After waiting all week, I got about an hour of downpour. It was a disappointment, but enough to get me by for now. I’ll hope for rain when I go home to Washington in August (but, don’t tell my dad).

Speaking of which, I need to book my ticket for my August trip home. My mom and dad ask me about it every two seconds. I’m excited to go!

The novel is ending, and I’m still along for the ride. I’m such a binge writer. I’ll write nothing for a couple days, and then pound out 5,000 words at once. It’s going to be a bit longer than I originally thought, but that’s a good thing. I’m still well within the range of the average novel. I’d like to write more about writing here.

I’m off to look for a way to be productive before it’s time to head off to Inglewood for the concert!

I’ve Been Coasting

Ashley — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:27:00 +0000

When I was busy with school and running around like crazy, I looked forward to the summer where I’d have so much more time and mental energy to lose weight. It was exciting to think of the progress I could make with weight loss as my #1 priority. Actually, the idea is still exciting. But, it didn’t happen. I’ve continued to lose some weight, but for the most part I’ve just been coasting. I could stay here. I’m at a healthy weight and I’m pretty comfortable with myself. But, I know I have it in me to lose the last 10 lbs, and I’m not ready to give up on myself. The plan I have perfected, it’s the sticking to it that’s the hard part. I’m committing myself now to spend however long it takes to reach my goal weight. Look for regular Monday updates on my progress!

Friday Sum Up

Ashley — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 20:54:00 +0000

I think Fridays are good for random entries. Here we go.

I don’t have a lot of 4th of July memories. I’m sure I’ve had some good ones, and I definitely remember the fireworks from when I was younger, but we’ve never had any strong July 4th traditions in my family. I didn’t even realize the date was approaching until a couple days ago. For some reason, it hit me this year as something exciting. I wanted to do something. Lucky me, a friend wrote me a short time later to ask if I wanted to go to an event at the Rose Bowl. I was all set to say yes, but then I found out that there would be fireworks and . . . wait for it, marching bands! I’m so excited!!

As I’ve probably mentioned a million times now, I moved last Tuesday. My arms have still not recovered from carrying all those boxes of books. But, I love love love my new apartment. I don’t have the space issues I thought I would, my patio is perfect, and I’ll be saving more than $300 a month on rent. I’m really happy with this decision.

After passing the 50,000 word mark, I took a few days off from working on the novel, so that I could get some school-related writing done. I think it was a smart decision, because my brain has been flooding with ideas. The end is in sight, and so now every scene feels really important. My dream is still to finish this month. I can do it if I just keep my pace up.

A couple nights ago, I turned off the lights to go to sleep, but there was no sleep to be found. It was very strange, but my sleep cycle resumed the next night, so I didn’t think much of it. Then, Wednesday night the same thing happened. It was 2 am, and I was not tired at all. I don’t know what’s going on, but this is very unlike me. I’ve been exercising, I haven’t been drinking too much caffeine, and my mind is not racing. I don’t know what’s going on!

I finally gave in yesterday and went shopping. Wearing pants 2-3 sizes too big finally got old, and though I originally intended to wait until I reached my goal weight before buying new clothes, I decided that my hard work earned me some pants that fit! I cannot believe the sizes I’m wearing now. I look at the tags, but I don’t believe it.

Last night, the Bizarro Jerry episode of Seinfeld was on. I think it’s a favorite of many, but I don’t know if people remember that the Bizarro world is only one story line of what’s an all around awesome episode. The others include George and the forbidden city, Kramer gets a job (to which he carries a briefcase full of crackers), and Jerry dates man hands. Nothing but laughs.

After months of pestering, I got a friend of mine to start reading the Twilight books. As I figured, she loved them, and now I have someone to gush to. Oh that Edward!

Happy 4th!

Back At It

Ashley — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:38:00 +0000

I mentioned before that I was slacking at the gym. I think slacking was a generous way of putting it. I’m looking at my calendar right now, and while January through May are covered in markups of my workouts, June is pretty empty. Somehow I deluded myself out of noticing that I took a month off from working out seriously. I’m embarrassed not just that I haven’t been working out, but that I somehow hid from myself the truth of what I was doing. I’ve learned a lot about self-delusion while trying to lose weight.

You break your routine just once. You say, I worked really hard this semester, so I deserve a day off from the gym. Who would find that unreasonable? It’s not unreasonable at all; the problem is that once you say no once, it gets easier to do it again. Soon your routine of going to the gym five days a week has been replaced by a routine of skipping the gym five days a week.

I was always confident that I wouldn’t quit, but I see now that I very easily could have. Then, last Sunday, I was sitting around, having already decided that I wasn’t going to the gym that day, because it would be better to start on Monday. I was looking at some weight loss pictures that I was thinking of using for a post here, and something happened. I’ve said before that I don’t think you can fabricate motivation; I’ve looked at these pictures before, and they’ve done nothing for me. But, last Sunday, I came across a recent picture of me, and I was struck by how much progress I’ve made. I knew I wanted to keep going, so I pushed my laptop off of my lap and got dressed in my gym clothes.

I dragged myself to the gym on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn’t until Wednesday that the enthusiasm really came back to me. I have even less of an explanation for this one. I wasn’t having a very good workout. I was walking on an incline on the treadmill, and I had a cramp in my side. I was hit with the sudden thought: This is amazing! I love to feel like an athlete, working out makes me feel awesome, and I love accomplishing goals.

I’m finishing off month six of my weight loss journey. This isn’t the first obstacle I’ve hit, and it surely isn’t the last. But, I keep going, bringing along my failures with me. Sometimes I’m crazy determined and other times I’m just coasting.

20 Down!

Ashley — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 16:25:00 +0000

It happened today. I stepped on the scale, and I’m down 20 lbs. It’s been such a long time coming that it doesn’t seem quite as exciting as it should. When I started dieting and exercising in January, it was all I could think about. My weeks revolved around my Monday morning weigh-ins. I wasn’t obsessed in the ways I had been before, but weight loss was still at the fore of my mind always. But, as time passed, even though I continued to do the same things, weight loss moved further back in my mind. Now, I mostly just eat my normal foods and go to the gym when I should without thinking much about it. I guess you could call this all habit.

There’s a part of me that wants to scream, “But, it was such hard work!!!” It is hard work. No doubt. But, when you build up a routine over an extended period of time, it gets so much easier. I know how emotional it can be to lose weight. For a culture that values mind over matter, weight loss highlights every failure of self-control. And, that’s not to mention all the insecurities that come with just living in a body. I’m in such a different head space this time around, and it has made it possible for me to do everything it takes to lose weight while staying sane. I wish I could bottle this attitude and pass it on to others, but, to be honest, I don’t have the slightest idea where it came from. It’s not like me at all.

In weight loss, such a big deal is made of motivation. It was something I worried about when I started. I made elaborate plans for things to treat myself with when I reached each mini goal, and I put extensive thought into making weight loss seem fun and exciting. After nearly six months of this, my conclusion is that all of this talk about motivation is complete crap. You can’t get motivation from things and you can’t fabricate it yourself. You might be inspired by someone, but it’s not enough to keep you going for weeks and months and years.

I should have known all this already. I’ve been what they call a highly-motivated student for most of my life. What has been my motivation for working so hard all of these years? Hell if I know. It’s just what I do. It’s habit. It makes me happy. Every time I get an assignment, do I sit down and think about whether I should do it or not? No, I just do it, because the past is powerful, and I have a long history of being a good student. You only have to go from 0 to 1 once—maybe twice if you crash and burn. It does take self-discipline, but when you’re doing something you want to do, the motivation and drive to keep going will find you. You probably won’t even notice it until you look back and see that you’ve accomplished something. It didn’t happen as fast as you would have liked, it wasn’t dramatic either, but you did it.

I’m going to take this 20 lbs., and I’m going to keep going, because, at this point, it seems like it would take more energy to stop the train. And, one more thing: Yay me!