Actual thought: “I’ve written a lot about writing this week, so I should write something about feelings.” Except, I don’t have a lot of feelings right now. It’s rare, but sometimes it happens. At least, I don’t have the ocean wave kind of feelings where nothing is still and I might be swept away at any moment. So I thought about how I might use this opportunity to go below the surface and maybe write about some of the feelings that aren’t so obvious.
As I was trying to figure out how to do that, I stopped to ask myself why I was doing it. If you don’t have a lot of feelings right now, then why not just write about the hundred other things that interest you or, if you really insist on feelings, this caffeinated adrenaline-excitement can’t-sit-still thing you’ve got going on?
What I realized is that I hold myself to this strange blog standard where if I’m not making myself vulnerable, then I’m doing it wrong. If this was a life standard, then I’d be failing most of the time, but it’s only a blog standard and mostly unconscious. I’m always trying to push myself into uncomfortable territory. Sometimes when I’m nervous about a post or feeling like I have been misunderstood, I think, “Uh, you know you don’t have to do this, right?” Yes, I know. But, I want to.
Many of the bloggers I know started off this same way and have either stopped blogging, because they no longer feel compelled to write about their feelings, or moved their blogs in a more professional direction where it doesn’t make sense to write about feelings. This is probably why I held onto semi-anonymity for so long, because it is a strange thing to write about your feelings under your full name, especially when you’re not a person who wears all of that on your sleeve in your daily life.
The consequences of writing about my feelings are a great deal more profound than my actual reasons. I have figured a lot of things out and become a far more confident person (a thing several people have pointed out to me recently). I have met some of the best friends I’ve ever had. My mind has been opened to so many possibilities. My life is utterly changed.
I am confused and amazed by all of that, but none of it drives me to write. I write about my feelings, because I think feelings are fascinating. I’m compelled to write about them, because they interest me more than anything else. If I compared them to fiction, then I’d probably end up saying something I don’t really mean, but I think personal essays and memoirs are incredibly important and they move me on a level only music reaches easily. And why music? Because music is about feelings!
I don’t think that being honest on a blog makes me a better person. If you want to be a rock or an island, then that’s okay too. If you have a lot of feelings, but prefer to keep them safe behind walls, then I understand that and did it myself for a very long time. I take the personal risk of writing about my feelings in public, because it’s what I like to do. In fact, it’s kind of what I want to do with my life.
I attached my name to all of my feelings when I realized that what I wanted most was to be a writer who writes about personal things. I figured I might as well get started living this strange life.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
“I write about my feelings, because I think feelings are fascinating.”
I think that sums up my hope for where you’re going with this blog. I feel like you do an amazing job of writing about how you feel about a defined subject- such as writing, or traveling. Your passions shine through. But as a reader, I’d love to know more about you and how you’re feeling. Do you get sad? Do you fall in love? I think the more raw the emotion, the more honest the story. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say next. :)
Become who you are!
I wrote about something a couple weeks ago that I had told myself I wasn’t going to write about for the sole purpose that it dealt with a lot of strange feelings I didn’t want people to know I had. I told one of my blogging friends I might write the post, but from a fictional standpoint, then changed my mind. I resolved that if I was going to write about it at all, it needed to be in the honest way from my perspective as it happened when I experienced it. Once I realized and decided on that, I felt compelled to write the post. What I find interesting about feelings is that they are always developing and evolving within us and around us – changing, maturing, sometimes even de-volving. I try to be a lot more honest about what’s going on inside of me on my blog, even though I’m not that open in person. It scares me sometimes, though, writing so nakedly when there are people I know from high school out there reading my blog. They know I’ve never been very sociable nor outgoing, so it must be weird for them to see me write so openly about myself online. I’m waiting for the day for someone I know to ask me to explain the reasoning behind my ability to write that way on the internet when I have the hardest time speaking the words to someone standing right in front of me.