I have this very simple narrative in my mind about how one accomplishes goals. You make up your mind to do it, then you start, then you kick some ass, then you high five everyone, and then you carry on feeling pretty damn good about yourself.
Well, I’m a fairly ambitious person and also madly goal-obsessed, and in my experience it’s more like decide what you want to do, then get overwhelmed with what to do next, then try and find that things are difficult, then don’t give up but maybe flounder for a while, then question whether you are making any progress at all, then the slow fade, and then discover months later that you kind of did end up doing what you meant to but there were no high fives and you missed the moment when you were supposed to feel awesome about yourself.
Despite the evidence, I insist that I can change my life in an instant. It seems that I can actually change my life, but it happens on a schedule that does not work for a crazy impatient person like me. This is especially true when it comes to feelings. I had some experience last year with bitterness, jealousy, and self-doubt. I could feel them eating away at me and so I got very good at talking myself out of them, but when I woke up in the morning, they were there in my stomach filling me with dread.
I know I’m never going to have the patience to approach change with any kind of perspective like, “Hey, this may take a while.” And that’s probably for the best. I think running at things full speed, ready to put in all the hard work, only to get tangled and grow uncertain in all the messy details, is more effective than playing it cool. I admire my own irrational optimism.
Because I do change. I have let go of bitterness and crippling self-doubt, and maybe I would have reached this same destination with time alone, but I doubt it. There is still power in trying really hard. So often it looks like failure, but then I realize weeks and months later that success just didn’t look the way I imagined it.
The simple narrative is the one that motivates me to jump out of bed in the morning, but I am developing an appreciation for the slow but meaningful reality of change. I just wouldn’t mind if it hurried up.
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Wow, I really loved this. Like, REALLY. It is so how I feel about everything, always. Except you can write it down and make it sound so charming, when I hardly ever find my feelings so charming. :)
Yes, yes, very much yes.
I’ve actually had a similar experience with the self doubt and such, working on it myself.
I always do the same run and tackle but my target tends to squirm away and I have to chase it down again. Good job, I shall look to you for inspiration!
I guess the most frustrating part of change is that it’s rarely just a decision and then, BAm, things just change.
It’s usually a lot of “one steps forward, two steps back” type of experience and you don’t really realize that things gave changed until you look back at something from a seemingly far away point in the future.
There should be more high-fiving. Definitely more high-fiving along the way!
I struggle with the same thing. I’m very much a futurist, and I have trouble seeing what’s happening now as a positive, when all I’m focused on is what’s next. It tends to leave one missing the high fives and feeling awesome, and it tends to leave one constantly wondering just what progress has been made, when the finish line is always being set out further away, with each step.
I’d like to change that, and live more in the now, but it’s tough, and the futurist in me is stubborn.
Also. More high-fives. *high five*
That’s how I felt about my 2011. I wanted to be a certain way because the way I was being wasn’t making me happy and was unhealthy. And then I started to work on changing and it made me feel like a petulant child. “WHY AM I STILL HERE? I’M WORKING AT IT AREN’T I???” But then towards the end of 2011, I blinked, looked around, and was where I was striving to be.
I think we all let ourselves have that background belief that if we wanted to, we could change everything right now, no problem. Maybe it’s immature or naive, but maybe it’s a hope we need. I think we can both believe that everything is changable AND appreciate what real change is made up of, like you said. It’s nice to aware of.
Amen, ditto and all that jazz. My thoughts exactly.
I never find change too easy but admire your outlook
Ah, I love the way you write.
I’m struggling with so much self-doubt lately, it’s consuming my every thought. I think if you’ve lived in it so much, it becomes the norm. And changing those self-doubt thoughts to self-confidence thoughts can be tough to do.