January usually makes me crazy. The pressure of a new beginning mixes with gloomy weather and too much time to think, creating a perfect storm that threatens to sink my ship every year. I cope by listening to David Gray’s A New Day at Midnight, because six years ago, I was taking my first ever class on theology, staring a crisis of belief right in the face, and David Gray was there. He’s been with me every January since, but that hasn’t made them any less difficult.1
This January is not like the others. Maybe it’s the heat wave we’ve been having in Southern California, but I suspect it’s not the weather, but rather this girl who has changed. All of the normal things are there–times a thousand, really–but I feel different: optimistic.
At the start of January, it was cautious optimism, but then it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t as stuck as I thought. I could quit my job if I wanted to, so I did. I could say no to a person I didn’t want in my life, so I did. I could buy a teal watch, so I did. I could make plans to reunite with most of the #SFNYE gang in Vegas, so I did. I could do my best in class and let that be be enough. And I could walk out of work every day and not worry about the unfinished projects, because I have way too much work for a part-timer and my boss suddenly realizes that, and oh yeah, I quit.
Even the caution is fading. I have this feeling of working toward something, constructing my life the way I want it, but each day I’m excited, even when I have to work 15 hours. Most importantly, I haven’t let dread creep in and that makes all the difference.
When I say things like, “2011 is going to be amazing!” I imagine myself walking on water, becoming a rock star, and just generally taking the world by storm, and that’s what drives me crazy about January, because how am I supposed to make any of that happen?
This January, I still want to be a rock star, but I have a direction. Step one: purple hair. Step two: learn how to sing and/or play an instrument other than the clarinet.
Now that I don’t feel so stuck, it’s easier to change. And at the same time, I have this new faith that even if I don’t have everything I want right this second and preferably yesterday, I am moving in a direction, collecting those people and experiences and accomplishments as I go.
- 2005: theological crisis. 2006: insomnia fueled by uncertainty about post-grad life. 2007: heart hurt. 2008: anxiety hits. 2009: this post. 2010: mania + a seemingly impossible workload. [↩]
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a problem with January, too. My problem is that I don’t appreciate the goals I do accomplish; I always think I should be more than I am. January brings that “fresh start,” so it always makes me feel as if I have to become a new person, even when I’m perfectly happy with who I am already.
I like this post, and I’m glad your January is turning out differently than usual. You know what they say, goals are great but it’s all about the journey. Now that I have 12 weeks before I defend (ie. huge goal actually looming in reality) I’m focusing more on each and every day on the way there (and am experiencing both excitement AND dread).
This is such a great post, so uplifting and…almost weightless (in the best possible way). January can definitely be a downer of a month, and I’m glad you’re finding ways of getting/feeling unstuck and “constructing your life the way you want it”. There were some big realizations in this post; thanks for sharing!
I wish I had your enthusiasm for this new year.
I think I might be in this “stuck’ place that you were talking about and right now I don’t know for how long this will last….
I’ll live vicariously through your posts this year, I guess.
I’m all for being a rock star. :)
And purple hair.
I think the wood-burning stove, and the fact I haven’t gone outside much, has helped me ignore that this is January.
It’s been hard for me lately though, because I can see what I want — I’ve been accepted to the program I want to attend… but I have no idea how to get there. If I’ve learned one thing, this community here online is sort of the bestest ever.
Definitely go with purple hair. I totally miss my pink highlights. They’re coming back this year, once things get settled a little more.
I’m glad you’re doing well, Ashley. It must be you that’s changed, because January is still January. Personally I can’t wait for it to be over.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling better this January. I think what’s making a big difference for me is (ugh, cliche) taking one day at a time, instead of focusing and dreading on the how much longer winter is going to take. We’ll see how I am in February- it’s usually a tougher month for me.
Ohhh I can’t wait to see your purple hair!!
Your post made me smile, and is definitely just what I needed. Although.. holy crap where did January go? I miss SoCal weather. Never thought I’d say that, haha.
You’re already a rockstar in my book, Rock it out!
I have no idea what I’m saying anymore, sorry for the strange nonsensical comment.
I adore your optimism! So proud of those amazing decisions you’ve made. Keep them up. Feeling un-stuck and having the faith and joy to know where you’re going…that’s awesome. I’m gonna try to be like you. :)
Can I use html here?
That was me 15 months ago.