I don’t know how it happened that the internet knows how much I weigh, how much debt I have, my religious and political beliefs, but because I’m open about these things, people often congratulate me on my honesty. In blogging more than anything, I care to represent myself as accurately as I can, so I was relieved in recent conversations with a few bloggers when they said things to me like, “It seems like you still have your guard up” and “you seem very careful about what you write.”
It’s interesting the way the truth about yourself comes out even when you don’t articulate it. I was trying to reconcile the person I’ve always known myself as with this internet person who talks openly about things that have never had a place in polite conversation, and I couldn’t do it until other people gave me insight into the person they see.
I’ve always been very reserved. I’ve always filled journals with my feelings instead of sharing them with other people. In some ways that’s changed in the last couple years, but I’m still the same person and I still have a lot of walls up. I’m not keeping any deep dark secrets, but I’m not an open book and it’s pretty rare I express anything I haven’t thought a lot about.
There are things I used to keep hidden, but once articulated discovered were never worth keeping secret. My debt, for instance. But, there are more personal things I still haven’t found a way to write about. No one is demanding strict honesty of me and I think we all understand that a lot gets missed, especially on a blog, but there are things I want to talk about and don’t yet feel like I can.
This post is in part motivated by something I’ve been vague blogging about all Summer and what’s so strange to me is that I keep trying to talk about it and I keep failing, because I am not okay with just keeping it to myself. Years ago I would have turned it over and over in my head and that would be it, but now I’m tortured with wanting to say more. That’s probably driving me more insane than the actual subject of my vague blogging.
In addition to a blog, I also have a lot of people I can talk to, but I feel like there’s still this big hurdle for me to get over when it comes to sharing some things with other people. I really hope your brains are filling in my vaguery with things far more interesting than the truth, because otherwise I would feel ridiculous. If I could just have your ear for a second, though, I would say, “Ahhhhhh,” by which I mean I am extremely frustrated with myself.
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“I also have a lot of people I can talk to, but I feel like there’s still this big hurdle for me to get over when it comes to sharing some things with other people”‘
“I am extremely frustrated with myself.”
These lines are so familiar to me. I get frustrated with myself in everyday life and even in blogging because there is still this wall that I put up. I feel like there is so much I want to share, but can’t get it out. It is such a trapped feeling. I am guilty of vague blogging as well ahhh it sucks haha
I so understand…Although I am almost an open book on my blog…There are other things that I just dont mention…Sometimes I cant help myself and need someone to talk to…So I am actually more open with my fellow bloggers and in blogland than I am with the people in my life outside of the internet. Its harder to talk to people who may judge me or I already know how they would react and what they would say…
With all the people I know IRL & URL, I still have a hard time confiding in people. I may be very public, but what matters to me is still secluded. I just don’t know who I can/should talk to.
I have my sister – twin-sister, actually – who is the ONLY person I confide in completely. Otherwise, I am keeping a lot of stuff to myself, mostly because I don’t want other people to bash or invalidate my feelings. Maybe this is making assumptions, but I’d rather not be disappointed.
It’s a tricky thing to completely open up to people. And yes, it’s frustrating at the same time. I hope you’re making progress though.
I have some things too that I want to blog about but don’t know how so for the moment they are only thoughts floating around in my head. One we will get there, or maybe we won’t. Either way, I think you are incredibly corageous with what you do choose to share. It takes a lot to open yourself up to others. And as always, please know that I’m here should you want or need to talk.
I get this, at least in the way that it relates to my own situations. I have mentally composed a million blog posts that are about a couple of specific things that I never share, and even the mental-but-never-actually-written-down posts always steer toward generalizations and vague references to hide what I actually want to say. If I can’t be 100% open in my MENTAL posts, how am I going to do it in actual ones, or in real life communication?
PS: I love your freaking face, and I can’t wait to SEE IT this weekend!
I definitely hold back on my blog. I write letters to myself about important things. I guess it is like journaling? My most private, personal things are shared with my closer friends. I am so blessed to have a handful of people I would trust with my life (interestingly, most of whom are offline types of people). I read people’s posts who talk openly about their feelings and admire them. While I have blogged about some personal things, I definitely hold back because I don’t know what people want to hear and I don’t want to be judged negatively. Silly.
On a side note… people think we shouldn’t talk about money because it’s too “personal.” That is BS. We have to talk about money with our friends to make sure we are educated. Too many people our age know nothing about money and have no savings or have no idea how to manage a budget. I know what I know because I finally talked to my friends and family openly about my money. So I’m glad there are people out there who DO talk about debt. :D
You should only blog about what you feel comfortable about. However, I have felt like you might not be telling all (but want to). I’m so curious too! ;)
I always hear that people feel like I’m honest on my blog, and to some extent, I am very honest. Still, there are things I never write about, some of which I find myself hinting at but others that I’d never, ever share. It’s a tough balance.
I think alot of us in the blogging world are honest/open to a point. You just never know who is going to stumble upon your blog and be offended by what you say or know who you are. I find it hard sometimes talking about certian things, even to my friends. I try to be really open on my blog, but sometimes it is just hard to share really personal information.