Life in California

Today is my four year California anniversary. I made the drive from Washington by myself.  I just knew it was something I had to do alone and my parents didn’t object, though I found out later that they had some heated conversations behind my back and didn’t tell my grandma until I’d made it safely to California.

Grad school felt like a decision I’d made on a whim, though I researched schools, applied, and waited impatiently for a response.  I applied to just one school, because it was the only place I wanted to study theology.  I wasn’t sure about moving back to California (I’d spent my first year of college here), but it was at least familiar.

If the grad school thing didn’t work out, I would do something else, but I found out I was accepted before it became necessary to assemble Plan B.  I can think of a lot of alternative plans I would have been happy with, but I needed to get away from home and I knew theology was not something I could ignore.

I didn’t remember until I was reading old journals that I felt this need to prove myself and I felt like I could only do that in a place all by myself.  I guess it comes with being the youngest.  I hate to say the words, but I didn’t feel like people took me seriously and I guess I wanted to prove myself by pursuing my dreams away from the people who knew me.  It was just an insecurity thing, really, because I don’t think much about proving myself to anyone anymore, least of all my family.  Not since I proved to myself that I could do it.

It was not easy.  My first year of grad school, I was sick and dizzy from nerves and stress that made eating difficult.  I had a lot of big feelings.  I didn’t have enough people in my life to talk to, because I’d left them all behind.  I found out I really had a talent for writing and theology.  I adopted a school of thought that put to rest the war between my faith and education.  And I didn’t run away when things became difficult, even if I did think several times of how easy it would be to jump in my car and head straight up I-5.

I’m really very different from the person I was four years ago when I moved down here.  We share a lot of the same feelings, but while she was always teetering near destruction, I am on much more solid footing.  She needed for things to work out, because she didn’t know what she would do if they didn’t, and I need for things to work out, because they’re what I want.  She was worried about depression, and I disappear from my desk at least once a day to walk out feelings much more manic.  We’re both confused about what people need and want from us, but while she tried to figure it out from the sidelines, I’m trying to figure it out from the trenches.

And, California.  California grows on me more and more every year.  I could only get away with I’m not really a California kind of person for so long before I noticed that it’s lovely here and there’s so much to do and walking outside at every odd hour you can think of wearing a t-shirt does not get old.  I always thought I would end up back in the Northwest, but four days of overcast when I was last there was wearing.  Rain, I love, and nothing beats a gorgeous August day in Seattle, but I forgot about all the grey that fills up the rest of the calendar.  I still want to live other places, but I’m enjoying my time here in California and I’m not ready to go anywhere just yet.

Here’s to another four years, California. I’m not leaving without a Ph.D.