I’m having a hard time writing this week. There are a million things I could say and a lot of quarter-written posts about things I care a lot about, but I don’t feel like finishing them right now. I was walking back to work after lunch yesterday, thinking I’m going through something right now and then I was like, when are you not going through something? I totally called myself on that one.
A couple weeks ago, I tore up my list of Summer goals. I just didn’t want to stare at it anymore. It was making me feel like a failure, because I somehow can’t force myself to be a robot productivity machine. Because I have big ass, distracting feelings.
At the same time, I’m not really a go with the flow person. Though, at this point, I’d have to dig my heels in deep to stop this forward motion. My life is pretty much settled for the next four years or so. This is the least lost I’ve ever been, which is strange, but also frees my mind to think of all the other possibilities out there.
I’m overwhelmed and yet also bored, because, I don’t know, I want magic or something. Not really magic, but something to take me by surprise. This settled life is not sufficiently surprising. I’m not saying I miss the crippling uncertainty, because I don’t. I’m a better and happier person now. Just wanting.
I’ve actually had a lot of fun this Summer, even if most of it has been on the internet. That sounds a little pathetic, not because we aren’t all real people interacting, but because there’s computers separating us. #winetoreach, VidCon (okay, that was with real life people), and now VEDA–they’ve all brought me that warm and excited feeling. And genuine fun. I think I’ve more than made up for practically disappearing from twitter this Spring. If I do that again, someone please reach through the internet and pull me back.
I’m working on letting go some, not because I don’t still have big dreams, but because I’m moving toward them all anyway. Maybe that’s not even worth saying, because I will probably change my mind another twelve times. I’m not an indecisive person, but it takes me a while to see things clearly. I don’t see clearly right now.
I should also probably say something specific to someone in particular, but I don’t see that clearly yet either.
I just veer back and forth between chill out and conquer the world, which leaves me saying a lot of the same things all the time. Sorry for that. I probably need to get out of my head a bit. Feel free to offer distractions.
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I understand what you’re going through. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but it seems like it would be good for you to cut loose in some way, as long as it doesn’t endanger your goals. If you’re torn between chilling out and conquering the world, how about doing something that’s fun, but also a life experience? I was thinking of a hot air balloon ride, although that seems like it might be a little expensive for someone on a budget. But you know, something in that vein. Whatever excites you.
And it’s nice how committed you are to the internet.
“I just veer back and forth between chill out and conquer the world” – high five on that one!! I feel very much the same way about pretty much everything. And I love that you had so much fun this summer on the Internet. It’s like a giant playground for all of us kids and I only WISH we didn’t have to be separated by screens.
I find it odd that I’m commenting on your blog and chatting with you at the same time. Figured I’d toss that thought in there.
Anywho, I’m glad to hear you tore up your summer goals list. Not because you aren’t succeeding, but because sometimes it’s really better to “go with the flow,” even if that’s not necessarily you. Like you said, you’re steadily moving toward achieving many, if not all, of your goals. Why not let the “must do” and “should do” notes go for a bit then? It’s great to have specific hurdles in mind and strive to achieve them, but, as maybe your fun with the Internet lately is proving, it’s sometimes a better to not have everything mapped out.
I was determined to make this summer SO GREAT and SO FUN and then I ended up being so busy that it flew by and what? It’s August! Ahhh!
That being said, I’ve still had a pretty great summer so far, even though it has been insanely busy. And internet fun totally counts as fun. Some of the most fun I’ve had has been interacting with people online :)
You can do both. Be chill and conquer the world.
My summer has been filled with uncertainty too. My summer goals, went out the window not long after summer started. My summer of me, taking time for myself and slowing down, not so much. More like the summer of going from one thing to the next, brain running 110 miles a minute, and struggling to figure it all out. However, I’m still declaring this season of me a success — i’ve put myself out there more than I’m comfortable with, I’m taking trips that a year ago I never would have made, i’m learning more about myself. That is a win. I also completely agree — you can conquer and chill out at the same time.
From one Ashley to another, I just want to thank you for what you write here. I discovered your blog early this spring and have been reading since then. I’ve found both comfort and inspiration in what you share. I can really identify with what you write about and vlog about. This last one especially has caught my attention (so much so that I’m no longer just a silent reader lurking around on the interwebs). From the title to a few snippets, it speaks to me. Feeling like you’re “going through something” when you’re always feeling that way is 100% me too. I find my internal dialogue constantly chattering about the changes I’m experiencing and the process and the stuff I’m dealing with and blah blah blah — that’s all just part of life. Perhaps being settled (I’m feeling that way too) is just too weird a transition for us twenty-something to understand right away. Now that I’ve rambled long enough, thanks for your words and keep them coming.
Exactly! This summer was supposed to be BIG and AMAZING, and now it’s almost over, and I haven’t done much. I wanted to read; I wanted to clean up my house and decorate; I wanted to run and bike; I want to spend time with just myself. Of course, now I’m going to try to cram all of that into a few weeks.
“I just veer back and forth between chill out and conquer the world.” Me too.
just today i was thinking about how veda is making me a little bit happier than I was before; I get to SEE the people that I read and care about on the internet, rather than just sharing emails and tweets (though that makes me happy, too!) But now, I can almost feel like we are talking and it makes me want to have a VEDA meet-up.
Anyway, point being, I get the whole thing about having fun on the internet. It happens =)
Sometimes the best goal is just having no goals at all! And also? I agree, we are always going through something!
also in that it’s-hard-to-write-because-i-dont-know-what-i’m-feeling place. sigh.
hope we both snap out of it soon!