It is maddening to realize how much control you have over your life. I know it’s easier to believe that things happen as they are meant to, but I don’t believe that at all. I think things happen because I make them happen and because I live in a world full of other people making things happen.
I’m not even talking about how terrifying it is to accept responsibility for your life. I’m talking about the existential crisis that comes with being privileged and happy: there are just so many things you want to do and not enough time to give them all the attention they deserve.
The anxiety I feel right now about what to do with the time I have is crushing me. And it’s not even that dread-filled kind of anxiety that makes everything seem impossible; it’s the adrenaline-fueled anxiety that makes me want to run around in circles, because there are just so many awesome things to be done that I don’t know where to start.
I swing back and forth between telling myself to calm down, to cut myself some slack, to focus and thinking world domination is really a good plan, stop limiting yourself, just do all the stuff that makes you happy. Trying to talk myself down off a ledge, I say things like, “your life is big enough to include all of these things” and I’m sure it is, but right now it is overflowing.
Earning a Ph.D. takes everything you have. So does writing novels. This blog is more time consuming than I often admit. I could never give up the time I spend connecting with people on the internet. I can’t stand to be in debt a second longer than I have to. I want to read like I used to and run like I used to. Must keep filling journals. Vlog more. Want to do something related to politics. If there’s any time left over, try to be the put together kind of person who wears outfits and does her hair.
I try to focus and eliminate distractions, but then my world explodes again and I find myself engaged in every direction. I used to be hell-bent on perfection and that was passionless. This is not that. But, it’s heavy and distracting and overwhelming.
I’m searching for the magic words to calm myself down, but I can’t find them. I don’t know that calm and simple is really what I want right now. There’s something to be said about exciting and complex. I guess the big question is how do I want to live my life? But, I can’t answer that question without giving conflicting answers.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s great that you can see these things as what you “want” to do, rather than what you “should” do, something I’m very guilty of. It helps, I think, to be optimistic. You have time in this world, plenty of it. Maybe a couple of years of not reading so much is ok. Maybe once you’ve finished your Ph.D you can take time to do something related to politics. If getting out of debt is your number 1 priority, that’s fine. Once you’re debt free, something else can be number 1.
It’s a great thing to have goals and desires, but important to recognise that maybe you can’t acheive them all at once.
First off, :: hugs :: I think you’re doing a great job! Second, I have been feeling the same way lately. Totally anxious about what to do next. I’m nowhere near (nor do I think I ever want to be) getting a PhD. But just getting my Bachelors, while working full time, is killing me. I always have a to do list, and then I put “write ACTUAL to do list” on my mental to do list. Annnd.. get stressed out because when I see it all written down it looks even worse!
So, in short, I feel ya ;)
I think in some odd way that’s the beauty of life… that we don’t know the answer, the easy way to make it all happen. No less frustrating of course. Sometimes I’d like nothing more than to see how to fit everything together that I wish to accomplish in my life but it seems, especially lately, that I’m missing a puzzle piece (or two) to complete the entire view, you know?
At least you’re taking the time to examine your life and figure out how you want it to go :)
Your life is what it is while you’re trying to figure out how you want to live it! And when things change, chances are you’ll still be figuring out how else to live. If that makes sense. Kind of along the lines of “life happens while you’re making plans.”
I know what you mean. Your goals are more ambitious than mine write now, but I still have a lot of them: write more, read more, connect with people more, take time out to enjoy the world more etc. It’s hard.
I feel that way too – overwhelmed by possibilities. And then life gets in the way! I think life is just a delicate balancing act between our needs and wants. But, in reality, we can only do so much!
I KNOW that feeling of conflict all to well. I try to claim that I’m “on a journey to find simplicity,” but I’m a far cry from simplicity. If I’m not doing SOMETHING, though, I truly feel useless. I’m not good with “downtime,” and I always try to keep my days packed. There are so many things I want to do/accomplish, and it takes a lot to get there. I change my mind all too often, anyway.
Here’s to finding balance and figuring out what we want!
Oh goodness, I feel that way all the time! I have so many interests and I don’t know what to focus on. I feel like I want to learn every skill possible. What to do with myself!?
Close your eyes, take a deep breathe and take a step into the unknown. That’s how I feel half the time when I do things I’m not sure about. It works…most of the time, until you lose your wallet in Dublin.
I feel that way a lot–this summer especially. I always expect myself to use my time “better.” There are so many times I go to bed unsatisfied with my day, because no matter how much I did, I always feel like I could’ve done more. I want to write more, I want to draw more, I want to read more, I want to lesson plan more, etc etc etc. I expect so much (too much) out of myself and my time management.
Unfortunately, what I’ve done with all my expectations is turn all my “want to dos” into “need to dos,” and now there’s nothing left I WANT to do because I’ve turned everything into an internal pressure to achieve.
This part is a little lame, but when I’m feeling like this, I listen to Billy Joel’s “Vienna.” It’s all about being over-ambitious and forgiving yourself for not being able to do EVERYTHING. I was feeling under-pressure just a few days ago and posted the song up on Tumblr (http://bit.ly/cRn3a6 if you want to listen).
“You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
But don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true”
I feel like this regularly — overwhelmed by all the options and wanting to do everything. It actually makes me feel paralyzed at times. Maybe I just need to sort it out and prioritize? I’m not sure. In my heart I think I’d like to live a simple kind of life, but in my head I’m all over the place.
I really feel this way, too. It’s so scary to think of all the possibilities, if that makes sense. Like there is SO MUCH you can do—but it’s in your hands to actually do it.
HA… I’m imagining you literally running around in circles right now.
Give yourself a break, lady – you’ll figure it all out. You’re far too smart not to!