If I thought the universe had autonomous power, I would swear it has it out for me. I became a victim of my own thoughts when, while working on this novel, I wondered if a character would really be that upset seeing a relationship end.
I don’t know when I lost touch with those emotions, but the next day, I was put back in touch with them. A series of unrelated events starting not long before I posted this left me thinking, of course she would be that fucking upset about it.
I don’t know what to say, so I haven’t said anything. I thought maybe things would get to a point where I could easily write about it, but instead I’ve just been tempted to send out pathetic and vague tweets, a way of saying things aren’t right over here without having to explain myself in any detail. Somehow that seems rude, even if easily forgivable, when I know there are people reading those tweets who care about me and will wonder what’s wrong.
There really aren’t many details anyway, at least none that I am honest or anonymous enough to share. Just broken expectations with one person that snowballed in my mind with a lot of broken expectations. And then I realized I was broken hearted, even if I wasn’t completely sure why.
It’s that confusing thing where I’m really quite happy, but also hurting. I think the worst of it was last week, but this isn’t the first time I thought I was over it. This whole non-experience has brought up a lot of things for me.
Mostly it’s just incredibly distracting. And sad-making. I hate that not hearing from one specific person undermines the effect of having a bunch of other people reach out to me. I hate even more to think that I’ve probably done this same thing to other people.
I don’t like the way revealing something you’ve kept silent seems to undermine everything you’ve done in that time, especially the nonsense conversations that have kept me entertained at work. Not to get all Whitman on you, but I contain multitudes.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Sorry to hear. :-( But sending good thoughts your way.
“I don’t like the way revealing something you’ve kept silent seems to undermine everything you’ve done in that time” – it doesn’t have to sweetie. A friend of mine said something very similar to me a few weeks ago when he emailed his ex of about 4 months prior – he felt like all the progress he’d made in moving on was all undone in that one moment. It doesn’t if you choose not to let it. I’m sorry you’re hurting right now love – let me know if there is anything I can do to help, even if it’s just to listen <3
I’ve had certain thoughts and stresses plauging me the past few weeks as well. Things that I’m not comfortable talking about on my blog or with most people so I can sort of relate the being happy, but sort of sad at the same time. Sending you big hugs, good thoughts, and if you want to talk, know I’m here.
I’m sorry things aren’t the easiest for you right now, and that it’s been difficult to write about it. I hope you feel better soon, and if you ever do want to write it all out, please know I’m here to read it and support you. :)
Oh bother. (Yes, I’m *apparently* channeling Winnie the Pooh. Neat.)
I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. I don’t have advice because I don’t know specifics and the canned, cheesy advice you hear all the time (“keep your chin up!” etc.) just doesn’t help anyway.
I can say this, though, re: “I hate that not hearing from one specific person undermines the effect of having a bunch of other people reach out to me.” … I’ve been there. God, have I been there.
Just keep truckin’, girl. From what I can tell, you’re beautiful inside and out… you don’t deserve sadness like this!
Even though I don’t know exactly what this is about, I know that gnawing feeling of sadness in the pit of your stomach that can taint even the happiest circumstances, and how easily it can take over if you let it. But sometimes it’s best to confront it, and even if you don’t want to write it all out here you can always email or call me if you want to get stuff out!
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s strange to read about, because normally even when you’re dealing with problems, your writing about them is fairly controlled and analytical. This seems different somehow, although I’m glad you felt you were able to share with your readers what you have. I know that you’ll get through it though, and you should know that everyone experiences this kind of thing, and you have a lot of people that care about you, internet-based and otherwise. Feel better, Ashley.
So, you have emotions and you’re not a robot? (I joke.)
Expectations can be the most damaging things ever, even if they’re of yourself. We never really can get the right balance of expectations: Do we set them high and aim high? Do we set them low and aim a little higher? This is with people to, I think.
Sorry, lady that things are kind of cruddy. I know you have friends in your parts to chat it up with, but you know where to find me if you just want to be all “DEAR KATIE, YOU AWESOME GIRL” and let it all loose.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now. Sometimes it only takes one person or one thing or one expectation to get the best of us, and it takes time to get that back. Hang in there, girl.
I’m so sorry that you’re sad Ashley. I don’t know what more to say other than I hope that you’ll wake up one morning and realize that it doesn’t hurt quite so much anymore. :( *sends virtual hugs*
We all do, you know. Contain multitudes, that is. And we all do it to someone at more than one point in our lives.
We can’t always know how other people feel about us, especially if it’s something we hide. We can’t know just how much even one acknowledgment, one word from us can mean to someone else, and we don’t always know who we’re hurting.
You might feel irrational, and you might feel hurt or silly or guilty, but we’ve all been there on both sides of the equation. We’ve both been the hurter and the hurtee, most times without even knowing about it.
There’s a person from whom I don’t hear also, and my feelings on that are this post exactly.
But it being distracting means you can fight fire with fire; I’ve found that creative endeavors help in this way (and we know you are fully capable in that department!). While you shouldn’t ever apologize for your feelings, there is a way to push those feelings into the background if you don’t feel like dealing with them for the time being.
My two cents.
sending you loads of hugs, through the interwebs x
Grieving/moving on from something is such a twisted process. I’m sorry you’re going through whatever this is, and I hope things get easier as soon as possible.
I’m sorry that you’re heartbroken, and I hope that you can find some way to get it out (whether it be here, password-protected, in a private journal, or somewhere else entirely). It’s okay to be vague, though. Sometimes, we need to write it out, but we have to be vague. I hope things work out.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m an email/tweet/chat away … or even a snail-mail letter away.