I’ve said a couple times now that Summer makes me crazy. Let me first just say that Summer always makes me crazy. I’m a structure person and in order to remain sane and feeling good about myself, I need places to be and things to do. Traditionally, Summer has meant a reduction in those things and even though the freedom is nice, it does make me a little crazy. It’s hard to explain, but basically I don’t enjoy the burden of managing all of my own time. It’s overwhelming to me. I know it’s the opposite for a lot of people, but I cannot be creative or productive with wide open time and space. I need defined limits.
The ridiculous thing is that I’m still working 55 hours and six days a week. But, I went from having zero free time to a little bit of free time and it’s nice, it really is, but there are just so many things I want to do that I don’t know what to work on and too often I end up doing nothing. And, there were a lot of things I didn’t have to think too much about when I was working 15 hour days. Now that I have the time, they’re finding me, and I’m happy to be working through some of them and feeling bigger feelings than I felt when I had no time for them, but they’re overwhelming too.
All of the above I can attribute to my normal crazy mind, which I have come to embrace instead of always convincing myself that what I need is silence and peace. Those are nice too and so is relaxation, but I had constant peace when I was in high school and it was boring. The buzzing is part of who I am right now.
It’s the anxiety that’s the problem. I’ve written about it before (here and here), but it got so much better last year when I was busy taking care of things and living day-to-day instead of worrying about things I couldn’t control. It seems to have found me again. It’s not as bad as it was before, but it just carries this blanket of angst and fear and stress and dread into my life that feels so heavy. I consciously ask myself, “what is there to be afraid of right now?” I have a million answers, but none of them are any good.
It’s only been the last two or three weeks that I’ve been feeling this way, and I keep thinking it’s just about to pass, but it hasn’t yet. It’s starting to mess with my happiness.
The problem I always have with anxiety is that I don’t know what to do about it. It’s quite mild, so I don’t think I need professional help, but I did need to at least talk about it here. I feel very empowered and very excited about projects I’m working, and I hate to have this drag me down.
But, I remember something a professor said in a Shakespeare class I took as an undergrad. Something like, sometimes you need to descend further into madness in order to get out. The point was that sometimes you need to probe deeper and really let yourself experience something or even dwell too long on it in order to come out on the other side, rather than use all your will to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep yourself from experiencing whatever it is you need to. I don’t know if that makes a lot of sense, but it’s meaningful for me.
On a separate and more exciting note, unless I completely wimp out (still a possibility), I’ll be posting something tomorrow that’s anxiety producing for me in a completely different way. I’ll see you then.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m looking forward to seeing what you have in store, and I hope that delving further into the madness is just what you need. Sometimes just submitting and accepting it for what it is, is all it takes.
I’m sorry you feel anxious. I wish I could do more to help, but I’m the opposite to you; I prefer having free time and options rather than boundaries and limits. I understand about ending up doing nothing though; it can be difficult to choose. But you’re driven and organised, so I’m sure you’ll end up using your time wisely.
Ugh, I know this feeling. Sometimes I wonder what in the world I’m anxious about but it happens to me as well. I get anxious about getting to work. about work. about grad school. about my dog, money, blah blah blah. And on the days when I’m super overwhelmed (like today?) I wind up not doing much either and it’s totally counterproductive.
The quote/saying from your professor totally makes sense. i get it.
I understand this feeling completely and have been feeling this way for a while lately. It’s not fun, and a little frightening.
I’m really excited to hear about what you have planned for tomorrow! Don’t wimp out. :)
55 hours / 6 days a week?! Wow, you’re definitely busy and still yet manage to have time to blog. That’s amazing… I don’t know how you do it! Can’t wait to hear about what you have planned.
As a dependent on the magic that is klonopin, I hear ya, lady.
And I can’t wait to hear YOUR big news!!!
I believe that quote from your professor to be 100% true and I think that’s how we get the most out of life. It kind of sucks (majorly) when you’re in the midst of it all, but sometimes just going deeper is the only way out.
I know your pain! Anxiety is possibly the worst feeling in the world. I agree with others that digging deeper into it and finding the source is one of the best ways of dealing with it even though it is incredibly hard and painful. Otherwise it can be something you struggle with your whole life and inhibit your goals, dreams and relationships with people.