One of my college professors told us that she always assumes the lives of her students are at least a million times more complex that what she sees in the classroom. That seems to me a fair way to judge anyone you come into contact with. So, I don’t mean to make anyone’s interests or motivations or circumstances sound simpler than they are. But, sometimes in relation to the other students in my program, I feel guilty that my mind is divided by other strong interests and is not adequately focused on theology and philosophy.
I feel this more in the Summer than at any other time. I love what I study, but the free time I have now is the best opportunity I have to work on the other things that engage me. And not that my fellow students do not have varied interests. For grad students, we’re a fairly grounded and well-rounded group. But, in the hierarchy of things that interest me, there are at least two battling for the top spot.
I’m not spending the Summer in a reading group battling Kant. And when I’m not busy with school during the semester, I am not doing extra reading just to flesh out my knowledge. I know this all sounds perfectly reasonable, but grad school is not that reasonable. It’s highly competitive and if you like what you study enough to go for a PhD, then you should want to pursue it to its ends. Instead, I’m distracted.
Sometimes when I talk to my classmates, I feel like I’m not sufficiently intellectually curious. I do my work to get it done an then I spend the rest of my time doing other things. That’s not really the life of an academic, at least not a successful one. Really, I shouldn’t have time to blog as much as I do or work as much as I do. And I shouldn’t constantly be frustrated that there isn’t enough time to pursue my other interests; I should be frustrated that there isn’t enough time to pursue my main interest in theology.
The other interests I keep alluding to are all variations on a theme: writing. Blogging, journaling, writing fiction, reading fiction, and even reading critical work on fiction. I was an English major before I was a Religion major, and my whole academic life leading up to the point where I took my first theology class and was struck by lightening like Luther was geared toward English. Since Elementary School, it had been my thing, and then theology usurped it after only one class. But, that old interest didn’t go anywhere.
Now it’s Summer and I’m not on the third floor of the library, walking through the theology section. I’m on the seventh floor browsing the fiction and the collections of essays. I’m pulled there and when I look through the books, I think, what if I’d gone this direction instead? I don’t regret having chose theology. It feels more important to me (to my person and to the world) than the study of English (sorry, Tom, if you’re reading this), but it still engaging me on such a deep level that I cannot let it just rest inside of me. That’s mostly what I’ve done for the last four years. I misjudged even my own passion for it.
My frustration is that there’s not enough time to pursue English and yet it distracts me from putting my full attention on Theology. I can’t be the person I want to be in either, so I get nowhere in my fiction and I’m not the religion scholar I want to be. And it’s not just about school; I think my full academic life will be full of this tension. I don’t know how I’ll work it out or if I ever will. Sometimes I wonder if after so many years in grad school, I will end up a writer instead. Assuming I can pay my student loans, that doesn’t seem so bad, but I don’t know if that would satisfying my interest in theology.
I know that there could hardly be a better problem to have. The frustration is real, but it is fueled by the passion I have for all of my interests.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
It makes sense that you spend your summer focusing on English and literature–you’ve barely had time to look at it during the school year. I don’t think it’s horrible of you to not focus on theology, when it has been something you’ve been focusing on for months on end. Your mind needs the break from it every once in a while, otherwise you may become tired of it. That’s my opinion, at least. I love studying psychology, but during the summer breaks, I like to take my mind off it for a bit.
I feel the same way. Except, my boss encourages us to have lives outside of science; he certainly does. A girl in my lab is an award-winning ballroom dancer, another is a new mother, and I certainly don’t work as much as I should. I still have that grad student guilt though.
I know how you feel. When I was getting my MA in Education, I kept thinking, “These damn education classes are so boring, and I never have time to read novels anymore!” But the practice of teaching kept me interested. Now that I’m no longer in school though, I find I have more time to read and teach, of course. I think once you are out of school, things will settle down a little bit and you will be able to pursue your other interests.
I don’t know what makes a successful academic, but I do know that in a successful (i.e. happy) life, you need to have more than one focus or interest. I wouldn’t feel guilty about being curious towards other things. And you haven’t got nowhere with your fiction; you’ve written a whole book! That’s somewhere.
I agree with Jordan, a successful academic has a passion for learning and yours seems simply divided into more than one area. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Once you’re out of school you’ll find more time to engage in those passions a little more :)
I’ve always believed it’s better to have varied interests than center your entire life on one thing. And with how much focus has to be put into theology during the school year, it seems completely natural to look toward those other interests once classes end, mostly because you finally have the time – even if little – to do so.
My favorite academics were the ones with varied interests–they brought so much more to the table, and were able to tie so many things together. Your passion for writing will tie in somehow, I’m sure.
Meanwhile, you’re keeping everything fresh by exploring all of your loves.
I dont think its a bad thing at all to have a divided mind. I always appreciate it when people can discuss a multitude of things rather than just focus on their own one specific interest. I am glad that you are taking the summer to explore your other passions. Thats whats important that you are indeed exploring and developing those.
I’ve been struggling over what particular passion of mine to pursue ever since I graduated from undergrad and just when I think I’ve found it, I find something else that I’m interested in!
I struggled through this same thing throughout grad school (I can’t believe it’s over now! I just graduated a week ago today and it still doesn’t feel real yet.). My interests divided were, on the one hand, speech pathology, my Master’s degree, and interpreting, the career I pursued that helped me get through grad school. I never imagined I would have two competing interests, and right up until the end (or rather, the point at which I found out I’d passed comps) I questioned whether I really wanted to do speech therapy for a living.
What I’m getting at is that I, like you, find myself divided between more than one interest. Only I can’t bring myself to abandon either of them, and it’s quickly become apparent that I don’t have to. Each indirectly makes me that much better at the other, in the smallest and most interesting of ways, and I love that I have two career paths that thrill me. I didn’t make the best grades in my class, I have no academic gold stars to show off on a resume, and yet I know that what I have to offer is both unique and worthwhile. And now that all is said and done, I’m discovering I’m very at peace with it.