Much as I’ve made a huge change toward not avoiding my problems, after I finished with school last week, it only took a couple days for stuff to catch up to me. Not problems so much as things I’ve been distracted from. I never stop thinking, even when I’m too busy for anything else, but there are things that find me in silence and calm that don’t find me when I’m running around like crazy.
Part of me does want to cartwheel everywhere and speak exclusively of rainbows and cotton candy. But, a bigger part of me likes this introspective stuff, especially when it sneaks up on me. I’m just frustrated that there’s no time to sit by windows and sip tea while I write. Instead I’m at work, where you can find me every day and always. But, I like the contrast more than wide open spaces.
This is the kind of stuff that fills journals. It’s not at a point where I can explain it to anyone and there’s something special about keeping it to myself. Pieces of it, I think, will come out, but I’m not even sure how they fit together yet.
I only journal my biggest feelings and I have fewer of them than I did even just a couple years ago. When the ground was unstable beneath me, I would run for my journal all the time. I would put everything on paper, because I was desperate and it was the only thing I could think to do.
When I have big feelings to write and I don’t, I feel like I’m avoiding myself. I’m avoiding myself now, but it feels more like prolonging the wait for happy reunion.
I’m thinking of how the things I write about have changed. And how they haven’t. Same themes mostly. Maybe to different degrees. So many things I wasn’t expecting. Happy surprise at the person I’ve become. Doubt about the things I still don’t have, but not with desperation. Okay, with a little bit of desperation.
I used to always write the words something and not nothing, because I was bored in my life and I didn’t know how to change it. Then a whole of somethings came my way, but still not the something I wanted most of all.
If stuff, things, and even somethings are not specific enough for you, I’m sorry. I hate vaguery too. If this blog cannot be a comprehensive look at my life, then I at least like its gaps to be obvious.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s perfectly fine to keep things private. I hope you’re able to work through everything that’s on your mind.
When I stopped blogging I also stopped writing in my journal, which has now become the longest I’ve gone without journaling. This reminds me that I need to write down my big feelings and stop avoiding myself.
I think I understand what you’re getting at. But you seem to be taking a lot on in life at the moment, and growing as a person. I’m confident that you’ll get the things you want, sooner or later.
I’m having the same issues too. I have nothing to write or make videos about
I am the same way. I blog a lot, and try to be honest, but save the Big Things for my journal. I personally think it’s better that way…I need time to process before I can just put it out there.
I hope you’re feeling better soon, and that writing it all out helps.
Isn’t it interesting that being a writer and avoiding major life events in writing leaves you feeling all…wrong? Even if the writing is solely for yourself, it’s almost like therapy.
It MUST be about a secret boyfriend ;)
I second Amy’s comment. It seems like the best way is to keep it private until you have time to process your feelings & thoughts before putting it out there for the world to read.