This is what I want to say to myself: Really? I keep thinking that I cannot possibly take anything else on. My life is entirely too full of stuff already. And, then, something comes to my mind and I think, I have to be doing this right now! I could say when it rains, it pours, because that often seems true of the universe. But, there really is no mystery here. No cosmic forces beyond me. It’s nothing more complicated than succeeding at something is empowering and when you feel empowered, waiting is just silly.
Last week, I was listening to one of my professors give a lecture and I had this realization that I have grown unhappy with my academic life. I’ve grown stagnant. I’m lost, but not seeking out new directions. There are so many people in my life who want to help me succeed and I’m not taking advantage of any of them. I’ve let grades be my measure of success and so I haven’t been forced to take any initiative in finding my place in the academy. In order to focus on other things, I have taken a getting through is good enough attitude to academics.
I’ve been in grad school long enough that it’s hard for me to gauge what people who are not part of this culture know about it. I know that I was surprised to learn a lot of things. Like, who you know is pretty much everything, so you’ll get nowhere unless you network. And if you’re getting an academic degree like me (and not a professional degree like a JD or MBA or MSW), then there is an incredible amount of pressure to be something unique. You have to produce original work that other people think is interesting and important.
It strikes me writing that it’s a strange life I lead where my career revolves around figuring out what I think about things. That’s the amazing and maddening thing about studying philosophy. I have thoughts like this that just seem so strange or I’ll be sitting in class and suddenly have a moment of perspective where I think of how weird it is that we all meet once a week to discuss things that have been debated for two thousand years as if we’re going to finally find the solutions. I’m having a hard time putting my grad school life into fiction, because in so many ways, it’s not that different from anything else. But, in other ways, it goes even beyond the stereotypes to near complete absurdity.
This is the absurd life I’ve chosen, but since I am constantly surrounded by people who have made the same absurd choice, most of the time it doesn’t feel that absurd. I’ve nearly forgotten that when I was in middle school it was weird to say that I like to read and when I was in high school it was weird to say that I like to write and when I was in college it was weird to say that I like school. Now I have to travel outside of my circle to feel weird. People on the outside can easily understand the frenzied pace of it all and the mountains of work, but what gets missed is just how deeply personal what I study is to me and how there’s a lot more at stake in it for me than a degree.
At the same time that I feel dissatisfied with my personal development as an academic, I feel incredibly lucky to have found a school of thought that speaks so strongly to me and a community of people who think it’s as important as I do. I’m really hopeful that I can find a way forward for myself and I think this is the perfect time in my life as a student to be questioning myself this way. It’s time for me to reach out and ask for advice from people who are willing to spend time letting me bounce ideas off of them. It’s hard to know what you think or where you want to go until you see what’s out there.
The Really? part only comes in when I think of how compromised by time already is. If I can just finish this semester without another sudden realization that turns into a time-consuming project, then I think I’ll be okay. Don’t hold me to that, though, because when it rains, it pours, and when it pours you can’t just sit there getting rained on!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
That’s the beauty of academics though. It really IS a community where you can discuss ideas that you either agree upon, disagree upon, or just haven’t read about yet. And I think what you study is very personal! It should be too – if you are passionate about it (which you are)!
I miss being a full-blown academic. The MBA stuff is really quite boring so you aren’t missing out there. If I had my druthers and/or could do it all over again? I’d get my MA in Political Science or International Studies. Then I’d be debating again, sharing, learning, exposing myself to new things and schools of thought. All this to say that during my undergrad years it was tough for me to find a way to stand out and be different as well… and I was always envious of the anthropology, sociology & philosophy majors. I’m sure you will find your way!
“I’ve nearly forgotten that when I was in middle school it was weird to say that I like to read and when I was in high school it was weird to say that I like to write and when I was in college it was weird to say that I like school.”
This describes me perfectly. I have found a great group of academic friends that I don’t feel weird around and can say I like school, I like doing projects, and I like the tough, academic stuff.
I know what it’s like to have a life that’s already bursting at the seams and yet you can’t just pass up an opportunity for something new, something more. That’s the result of a carpe dieum philosophy, but as one day spills into the next, I start to realize I’m seizing more things than I can hold on to.
But it is quite a challenge, and that’s what we live for right? To be challenged, so that we never feel stagnant, so that we never look back in regret for having missed an opportunity, chance to try something. And there’s no better place to do that than in school.
Graduate students, at least those of us who are in research and experimental programs, are a unique type of person. Not everyone can or wants to do what we do. Not everyone understands what we go through to do what we want with our lives. I do not want to work in academia, but I will be involved with academia until I die. I value research and learning more than most anything else in the world. It is hard to explain to outsiders.
Just know that you have readers who DO understand.
I think it is important to talk about school with your friends. There is a small group of friends I have in grad school, but we always take time to discuss how we are feeling this week or that week about where we are in school, what we can do to be better, how we need to change. By talking about how I feel about academia with other grad students I feel more confident that where I am is in fact right for me. You might feel stagnant, but then may talk to someone and realize you are moving forward faster than you initially thought. Grad school is such an accelerated learning environment that you are always learning.
And we do have to find sooome kind of balance and set soooome kind of boundaries or we will burn out, lose focus and get lost. We cannot get lost. We have to stay on the path that is best for us. Taking on too much scatters us in too many directions. We’re in grad school to be experts. So we have to treat ourselves like experts even if it means not taking on new things on top of the bazillion other things we have to do.
And now I’m going to shut up before I write a blog post on your blog post. ;)
I’ve had kind of the opposite realization, I think. I’ve become so completely burnt out by the endless amount of work I’ve had to do that for me, I had to think as little about grades as possible and focus on learning enough to be a good clinician. Which, now that I think about it, is sort of what you were getting at, so we’re on a similar page there after all.
But here’s something you might want to think about: as I’ve been finishing my last clinical rotation, I discovered that it is everything else about myself, totally unrelated to my professional knowledge, that makes what I offer unique. It’s not just about providing therapy for them, it’s engaging them and making them feel comfortable and motivated. Some of the most inane things have made them smile when I least expected it to (see: an impromptu walk-off against the occupational therapist in the room with me). (Side note: it could also be ‘insane’ things I do, but we’re not arguing semantics here, right?)
Anyway, as my own graduate school career is now ending, I’m finding that I’m more interested in it now, after the fact, than I ever was before. Someone told me that we don’t gain all our knowledge in grad school, but that graduating from grad school gives us license to learn. I think they’re really onto something there…