After a classmate of mine died, I went back and read some of her published writing from just after she was diagnosed with cancer the first time. Something she wrote mid-treatment really stuck with me. She was talking about initially sharing the news of her diagnoses with everyone and then realizing at a certain point that there were friends she hadn’t heard from at all. She would hear from other friends that these people hadn’t said anything, because they didn’t know what to say. She very reasonably found this to be a poor excuse. If you don’t know what to say, you can at the very least say “I’m sorry” or “this sucks.”
This is something I struggle with, because I’m bad at a thing called small talk and another thing called awkward situations. I’d rather just avoid them completely. If I have nothing to say, I don’t say anything. Now, there are a number of instances where this is a positive trait, but the thing about human interaction is that it’s not just about sharing valuable ideas. The other thing is that it isn’t all about me. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what I’m feeling or thinking or if I’m uncomfortable because I want to say the right thing and there is no right thing. Sometimes it’s just about letting someone know you’re there.
I’ve been tested on this a few times since and after a short get over yourself pep talk, I didn’t find it that hard to say the words. If someone I care about is going through something and especially if they make the point to share that with me, then silence is never the proper response. I think for a long time I told myself that if I was in that situation, I wouldn’t want to be bothered by people, but I should know that not everyone is like me and even I find a lot of comfort in other people’s words.
I don’t know if it’s insecurity, humility gone wrong, or growing up the youngest and quietest voice in a house full of people, but I often assume that it doesn’t make a difference if I say anything or not. I’m learning that my silence is louder than I think.
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I agree that remaining silent is not the best choice. If someone is going through something and they share that with others, then they are reaching out for support. I think responding in a thoughtful way is the least we can do to show them that yes, we hear them, and yes, they are a worth our time and thoughts. (This reminds me of your post on commenting, and how we bloggers like to get them and feel heard.)
I know how you feel but when my brother was diagnosed with AIDS, friends disowned and dissappeared…At that time, it hurts the person more than it hurts you to visit or show concern or passion…Thats all they need at that time…Maybe just someone to talk to…To share some of the burden thats on thier heart….I saw my brother struggle with the loss of his friends…He felt alone in his last days….I can only imagine how that felt…Just try your best…and her words spoke to you because thats something you NEEDED to hear…Let her words be wisdom to you and be a reminder the next time the situation arises…Have a blessed and wonderful day!
I’m the same way you are. I hate telling people I’m sorry when someone they know dies or they are going through a hard time; it’s not my fault, I don’t need to apologize! But, in the wake of not saying I’m sorry, what do you say? I struggle with that all the time… especially as me and my friends are getting older so more people we are close to are dying and getting sick, and we, too, sometimes are being faced by very hard things.
I’ve decided that, generally, the best response is to let the person know you care, are there to support them, will listen if they want to talk and will help them with whatever they need. These four things are what I want to hear when I deliver bad news to a friend. I don’t want them to apologize, and I think most people are that way.
If you prefer to let your actions speak, give them a hug, bring them dinner or some homemade cookies, head over to their house with a movie and a bottle of wine. Your time is the most precious thing, and it shows a lot when you share it with someone who is struggling.
I am usually one extreme or the other. I either offer up words when I dont know what to say or I avoid the situation completely. There has been on instance in particular that I’ve ramined silent for far too long. I really dropped the ball and need to take the proper channels to rectify it, to apologize for my long silence and reach out. Thanks for the reminder.
You have a wonderful point in that silence can be louder than words spoken. I’m often silent when I can think of nothing to say in a difficult or trying situation. Perhaps next time I’ll think about the potential impact that my silence can have and offer even the smallest bit of comfort, even if it feels ridiculous and not adequate at all.
I’ve been on the other side of this with close family members completely disregarding any hard times we’ve had. In some cases we would rather have had silence–like the time someone (my sister in law, yeah) got angry that I declined a baby shower invitation less than one month after a miscarriage–ouch. For the most part a simple acknowledgment means the world. It doesn’t have to be an ‘I’m sorry.’ It can just be a ‘This sucks.’ Sometimes that’s all that can be said.
I’m glad you’ve gained this insight–it can make all the difference for your loved ones.
Excellent points. I find myself in moments of silence as well, but I know that support is so meaningful – no matter how it’s shared.
I have trouble with that as well. Mostly because I think that it wouldn’t help or make a big difference. If words fail me I hug the person, and put all my feelings into the hug.
Two of my close friends lost a father (different dads) and I was close enough to them to talk openly. When it’s someone I don’t know it gets harder.
I always have a problem speaking up in tough situations because I fear that anything I would say would seem generic. That’s actually a big problem of mine – the fear that I’ll come off generic. You’re right, you have to get passed whatever is preventing you from speaking up.