I’ve had several experiences lately where I pretty casually set my mind to something and somehow it stuck. Most of these things I was bold enough to say out loud or put into writing, and that’s why even though I didn’t have myself convinced when I was putting the words together, I was surprised to find myself thinking about them later. There’s something really powerful about saying how you feel and then saying how you’d rather feel.
One thing, though, I couldn’t bring myself to say. I wanted to and I even had this title picked out, but I worried it wouldn’t come off the way I wanted it to and I thought it wiser to think about it more myself before throwing it out into the world. I’m glad I waited, because less than a week later, I find myself in a much better place to write it.
The thing is that I don’t get as many comments as I used to and this matters to me because apparently I need validation and I look for validation in numbers of comments. It’s also put all this doubt in my mind about who’s reading my blog and why. I don’t say this out of false humility, but I tend to assume that no one is reading unless they comment. I’m always shocked when I find out someone has been reading my blog and not telling me; then I assume they’ve stopped reading until they tell me that they’re still here. When it comes to the people who used to comment and now don’t, I assume it’s by some fault of my own.
When I’m not off on a seemingly-contradictory insecure slash narcissistic mind spin, I worry that my content is not what it used to be or I’m not who I used to be. My page views and subscriber numbers have gone up while the number of comments have gone down, which leads me to think that maybe I don’t reach out to people the way I’d like to. There’s of course the point that it’s all relative and I compare myself to other bloggers when I shouldn’t.
And I know this is all crap and I’m sure it’s very obvious why I didn’t want to write it. In the first place, I knew I’d have people telling me I shouldn’t worry about comments, which is a response I understand, but I of course already know and the problem is that I worry about comments anyway. In the second and more important place, aside from making myself look pathetic and whiny, I don’t want anyone feeling guilty for not commenting. Blogging is not the same experience for everyone and I can be an inconsistent commenter myself. I’m probably putting this same doubt in the mind of others when the problem is with me. I’m really flattered that anyone’s reading. I think blogging is just this strange medium where you know most of your audience and you get so used to the near-constant feedback that you assume something’s wrong when it’s not there.
That’s a long winded way of saying that I have had a change of mind after nearly two years of blogging. I could never write this post before, because I couldn’t fake feeling differently. Now I don’t have to. It happened last week when I posted about being known. I had written that post after deciding not to write this one, and then the next day I received relatively few comments, but they were just of the loveliest kind and from the loveliest people. It was nothing dramatic. It didn’t feel like acceptance or some grand awakening to what’s important in life. I was just happy and I had this feeling that what I’m doing here is what I want to be doing. If it was really about the numbers, then I would change. I can’t say I expected the feeling to stick around, but it has.
It would be awesome to pretend I’ve never cared about such petty things, but honesty is more interesting.
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I’m the same way, and I’m going through a similar thing with more reader numbers but less comments. I of all people should know better than to care because I’m an awful commenter. I do most of my blog reading at work where I can’t comment, and most of the time, I forget to comment when I get home. I hate that I care about it too, but that’s how it is.
My big issue is getting back to the people who have commented on me. I, like Andrea, do a lot of my blogging at work. (Shh! Don’t tell, haha!) I feel absolutely guilt stricken if I don’t reply to comments or at least visit the commenter’s blog and let them know. And while you’re working, it’s hard not to get forgetful, when you’re already busy multi-tasking at work without adding blogging to the mix. Don’t feel bad about wanting the validation of being heard, and connecting with your readers. No matter what any one says, that’s what all of us blogger’s yearn for, otherwise we’d just be writing in a notebook and sticking it under the mattress.
As always, a great post Ashely. My comment number have fluxuated as well recently but my subscribers have gone up. I am ok with that. Of course, I always like to know who is reading my blog and wish they could comment because I’m trying hard to reply and follow up with those people in an attempt to get to know them, but the truth is sometimes I’m a lurker. I try to comment on blogs but that doesn’t always happen or I’ll read it in Google Reader, star it because I want to write a well thought out comment but I forget to go back to it, sometimes for days.
Like you, I’m not going to change how I write or for whom I write. For me, the most important thing is that I just write.
I’ve written about this a couple of times. The first time, I wrote about wanting to shut off comments just so I could force myself to stop thinking about feedback when in reality, I just wanted to talk. That was after Jane of Sea of Shoes shut hers off.
Then I wrote about it just after you wrote your post. I may not have commented but I did link to you! :) anyway, I totally agree. But to me, I like the fact that instead of getting 100 comments that I actually *know* each and every person who comments. Opinions and thoughts are so much more valuable when they come from someone you recognize. And while I love getting new commenters, even if I just get 5 comments from people I’ve known for years, I think that’s awesome. We’re a little family and this is my crew.
Did you read my post from yesterday about this sort of thing? For a long time I was consumed by the need for “validation”, or approval from other people – I think it’s just part of my personality. I often see the number of page views and then the tiny fraction that turn into comments and I wonder why people read in the first place. But you can’t let it bother you – ask yourself what your reason for writing is. Mine isn’t just to write about what’s going on in my life, it’s to document the struggles as well as the good things, and hopefully put something out there that might inspire someone. And I’m learning that the one email I get saying “thank you” really does mean more than any number of comments ever could. I’d much rather write about something truly meaningful and get five comments than write about fleeting things like clothing and headbands and get fifty. I guess it depends on what you prioritise – staying true to yourself and what you love, or fitting into what other people think about you? The price of honesty I’ve learned is often unpopularity, but at the end of the day, when the readers have moved on and comments have been left (or not), knowing you stayed true to youself and what YOU love to write about should be more fulfilling than the number of other people who took the thirty seconds to comment :)
I think absolutely every blogger cares about comments even if they don’t admit it. I definitely used to care a lot more about them. Now I get way less, but it’s ok because I write about what I want to, when I want to. I know my loyal readers are still there!
Like i’ve said before, I always fall behind on commenting on blogs, but I’m definitely reading!
I only comment if I feel I have something to say. Often I do, but sometimes you cover everything I was thinking in your writing, or it’s about an experience that I have nothing to add on. But you’re definitely still worth reading about.
I know not being concerned with validation is easier said than done, so I won’t tell you not to worry about it. But you have plenty of people here that are interested in what you have to say, and I know you enjoy writing whether anyone is reading or not. Everyone likes to be appreciated, and you shouldn’t forget that you are.
As much as I hate to admit it it really bothers me when a post gets less comments than normal! I always find myself analyzing the post and wondering why that happened. I shouldn’t do that because I should be blogging for ME but I do. Sigh!
Amber said basically what I was going to say. I’m totally guilty of over-thinking my posts after the fact, especially when I feel like I wrote something really magnificent and it only got a few comments. But even when I catch myself second guessing what I write because of the comments it may or may not receive, I ultimately know that there is value in my words, if only to solidify a memory in my own mind. And, being one of those people that is generally terrible at leaving comments, I also get that there are more people reading than commenting, and the mere fact that they come by to read should be enough for me.
I feel the same way Ashley. It sucks if you write a post and want feedback, and no one gives you any. It’s also interesting to me what posts GET comments vs. what ones don’t. I am confident that people are reading your blog though (some more silently than others).
I care. And I’m (wo)man enough to admit it.
I think HC is right, it’s about the feedback- obviously we’re putting something out in a public forum because we want an opinion on it, for whatever reason. So, when you don’t get said opinions… sure. It sucks.
I’d like to say that I don’t care about comments, but I’d be lying. You have a wonderful point about how people can read blogs and then not comment. I’ve done that more times than I can count, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. I like to know that what I say matters to someone. Maybe validation isn’t the way to put it. Perhaps it is more like knowing that you are connecting with people. I love when I hear that someone can relate to my post. That makes me feel connected to someone, even if we live miles and miles apart. It’s human nature to want to interact with people. But the overall reason I write, like you, is for myself. So comments or not, I should keep on writing.
Thank you for a wonderful post as always!
Okay I’ll be 100% honest as to why I don’t comment sometimes…I’m afraid of sounding stupid.
There. I said it.
You’re ridiculously smart, and I think that you should get comments that reflect that. I’d feel like such an idiot if all I said all the time was: “This was an awesome post.”
But I do read each and every post. I actually consider you to be one of the most consistent and likable bloggers I read. :)
On to the caring about comments thing; I think everyone cares. Even if it’s just a little.
I know I care, but I’ve gotten better about it. If I don’t get the amount of comments on a post I expected I feel bad for about 5 minutes and then I force myself to get over it. Because I get how it is to be busy, and to not have time to always be able to comment on all my favourite bloggy friends’ posts.
So what I’m trying to say is…
This was an awesome post.
;)
i think whether we like to admit it or not, at one point or another most bloggers think about our comment numbers more than we’d like to. i think it’s completely normal to want to know that we’ve reached someone. blogs are, in a way, conversations we’d like to have after all. so while it’s something i try not to worry about, or let affect my writing, a low comment number always catches my attention.
but because i’m guilty of it too, let me just say that (comment or not) i read your blog regularly!
I’m the same way you described yourself to be in paragraph 3. I don’t assume that anyone reads my blog at all. I’ve got 6 subscribers in Google Reader, and I get excited if I get one comment. If someone hasn’t commented, I assume they haven’t read. It makes me kind of sad to get so little feedback and I always think “Did I say something to make them not like me anymore?”, but I have to remind myself that when I started blogging I started for me. Not for everyone else. My content has changed a lot over the last two years and because of that I’ve gotten bored with what I’m writing, because I’ve been writing to impress. I’m trying not to do that anymore but I find that with less reader comments my desire to blog decreases and I blog less and less. I kind of don’t know what to do, I guess.
How many comments do you not consider a lot? Cuz it seems like you do pretty well, I think more than me.
I know the feeling tho. I’m the same with my comments… and I’m kind of the same way with my facebook fan page also… my numbers will drop and I’m like aw what did I do wrong?
I will say, I subscribe to your blog thru google reader and there are some days that I feel lazy and don’t comment. Sorry! :(
Hi Ashley! I swear I am not commenting because you just wrote a post about not getting comments. I read your blog regularly, and while I enjoy all your posts, I may not comment on every one unless I have something to say. I personally don’t really like comments that don’t say anything or add anything to the discussion. It’s nice that people say hi, but that’s all it is.
That said, honesty is where it’s at. I like your posts so much because you are always so honest in them (I think anyway). You write what you feel and what you think and how that affects your life. I read your blog to be inspired to start doing more of what you do on my blog — because that’s why I started blogging in the first place.
So keep plugging away. Your blog rocks.
I think all of us care, to some extent, how many comments we receive. It IS nice to be validated, to know people are reading. But then perhaps it’s better to have less comments, that MEAN MORE to you, than lots of comments that don’t, I guess.
Sometimes I feel the opposite though, haha.
Beautifully written, as always.
You have a way of saying exactly what I wanted to say, but much more eloquently. I agree on so many different parts of this post. I just started getting 10+ comments on my blog posts in September/October. I went so long without receiving a single comment and now I’m addicted to them! But I do know what blog posts are going to generate a lot of comments and which ones aren’t.
I try not to find validation in what I write from comments because I know that sometimes people are just too busy. I know I am! It’s hard but I’m trying to get back to writing for ME and not for what will get me the most comments.
(And, hey, irony! Writing about comments gets you LOTS O’ COMMENTS! Haha!)
I’m still here! And I get it.
[...I don’t say this out of false humility, but I tend to assume that no one is reading unless they comment. I’m always shocked when I find out someone has been reading my blog and not telling me; then I assume they’ve stopped reading until they tell me that they’re still here...]
I feel the exact same way. And yet, when I’m going through my reader I rarely click over to comment. It’s something that I really need to work on. but let it be known that I’ve been reading all along.
Also, I’m sure you are going to get a million comments on this post!
You know me, I only comment when I have something to share or add to the discussion. Sometimes, your words are too crafted that I feel that my words would only tarnish the post.
I think everyone cares about comments if they’re honest. I too find myself wondering if something was wrong with my post if no-one reads or comments. But hey, look at the bright side. At least you have followers! And they will keep on coming back regardless.
As much as I’d like to say that I haven’t been blogging enough to get any comments, I EAGERLY look forward to the day I get more than five. Glad to know I’m not the only one yearning for some comments. (Though I know how guilty I am of reading various blogs via GReader and not bothering to comment).
And on another note, can I just say how much I look forward to your posts? I’m not the most fantastic writer, and your posts always give me a bit of inspiration to not let that get me down.
It’s true that everyone cares about comments, the engagement is what keeps us all blogging, I think. Sometimes I get tons of comments on a post I never would have expected and then I write a post that I am so proud of and I get crickets. I think it’s just about keep doing what you’re doing, and also getting out there. Loved this post.
I care about comments. Do I get them often? No. I do get them from those who matter, though. I feel especially hurt, though, when I barely get comments on posts that mean a lot to me … And then I get quite a few comments on giveaway posts and posts that aren’t very heartfelt. I’m learning to be okay with that, though.
Hi,
New here.:) I hear ya on the comment thing, getting comments can be very strange and unpredictable. But I just write about what I want, and post what I want. I like it when I get lots of feedback, but its probably not realistic all the time!
For me, it’s not so much that I *want* comments; it’s that I’m baffled by what actually gets them. Sometimes I’ll write something and think that no one will have anything to add, then BAM! I get hit with emails and comments. I think some of the stuff I write about is a bit more personal, and some people don’t feel comfortable commenting about their own experiences with grief or loss, so they shoot me an email. Honestly, I love those most of all, because I get to make it a dialogue rather than carry on the perpetual monologue.
I do like knowing who is reading, and really, really enjoying seeing what people have to say about what I write, don’t get me wrong! I go through slumps where I get too busy to comment right on time, but I try to catch up, especially when there is a post I especially connect with.
I could not have expressed this idea better, so thank goodness you did.
But to swing the lens 180 degress, I realize from this post that I am not as consistent about commenting as I used to be and start to slink into the background of the internet as a lurker. And it makes sense, as every month or so, my number of blog subscriptions grows at a rate of 1.3%+. It gets overwhelming and when you establish a commenting personality as someone who wants to communicate: “Yes, I read the whole thing! And yes, I thought before I wrote back!” Suddenly, the rate at which new posts come in are far beyond my ability to read-the-whole-thing and compose-a-cogent-response for everyone I’d like to. So I just say nothing. And then return in intermittent bursts.
And if that’s what I’m doing — perhaps this is also the truth for others. And that makes me feel very different about comments on my posts and/or the lack thereof. And I wouldn’t have realized this if I hadn’t read this post.
You’re right. Honesty _is_ more interesting…!
I get frustrated sometimes when I see that I have a lot of readers but not a lot are commenting. I do have a problem too with following up on new commenters though. I need to work on that! It’s hard because I do a lot of my reading & blogging while at work. I try to read most of them and keep the ones I want to comment on unread so I can comment on it later at home. Google Reader should come up with something where we can comment through GR. That would be awesome!
Is it strange that I was literally thinking so many of the things you wrote about just today? Numbers are going up, comments are going down. Have I done something wrong? Am I being a narcissist? It’s good to know someone else is feeling the same way…
Haha, looks like you got your comments! :) I totally hear you though — comments make me smile. It’s always so nice (rewarding?) to know others are reading your posts and thinking about them and actively engaging. Here is where I admit that I’m a hypocrite in that department — I think I posted my first comment EVER only about two years ago. And probably fewer than two dozen total. I’m just not a commenter. That being said, I didn’t have my own blog (until recently) and didn’t understand/appreciate comments the way I do now. Definitely trying to get better about the commenting thing. Even if I do read almost everything straight off my RSS and it requires an extra click.
Speaking of, thanks for your own comment love last week. :)
This is my first comment and I have been reading your blog for months :) There’s no particular reason for my “silence”…I’m just not a big commenter. Keep up the good work!
I think all bloggers care (at least at some level) about comments. We write because we have something to say and we want the world — or at least part of the world — to read and acknowledge it. It’s disheartening to spend time writing a post and then hear nothing back.
That said, all you can do is keep writing the honest way you have been. I have noticed no change in the quality or variety of your writing, and I can’t imagine you ever leaving my reader.
I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same way…Like Amber said above, I analyze posts when I don’t get as many comments as I used to. Honestly, though…my blog used to get WAY more comments but I think you gain and lose readers at different points in time based on what you’re going through. For instance, I can see why people probably don’t want to see me complain about graduating college for the last few months just as I tend to unsubscribe from blogs when someone gets engaged or pregnant or some other big life thing and ONLY posts about that. I think we just relate to where we are at that point in time.
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