Written December 2009
I have always been the youngest in my family. Up until the age of 10, I was the youngest of 3, and since the age of 10, I have been the youngest of 5.
I don’t fit a lot of youngest kid stereotypes. I’m certainly no wild child, but I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now. I guess I’m pretty independent, but so is everyone else in my family.
Still, I see ways in which I’ve been shaped by being the youngest child and I’d be lying if I said it had nothing to do with why I currently live 1,000 miles from home in a big state all by myself.
Being the youngest means I’ve never really had to look out for anyone else. I’ve always had the freedom to do whatever I want without thinking of what kind of example I’m setting.
That freedom is a privilege I’ve never even thought about, but I spent a week at home with my two nieces who for some crazy reason really like me, the youngest especially. They look up to me. They watch me; I would look around the room and actually find them staring at me while we were sitting at the dinner table.
I am deliberate in most of the things I do, but having two impressionable young girls watching my every move forced me to thinking about some of the things I do by habit and unconsciously.
We were praying before dinner one night and I didn’t even realize until I saw my oldest niece look over at me that I didn’t have my eyes closed. I don’t know why I didn’t have my eyes closed; when I was a kid, I used to do it to be defiant—because I knew it was risky. Now I had no reason and wouldn’t have given it a thought if I hadn’t caught my niece watching me.
Later, they were begging me to try on my prom dress. I didn’t want to. I don’t like the dress that much and if it didn’t fit, I really didn’t want to know. Trying to get out of it, I said, “I don’t think it will fit anymore! I wore that dress 8 years ago.” From my oldest niece, I got a response that suggested to me that she was concerned I had body issues, and fuck!, she is way too young to even be aware that some people (everyone?) have body issues and that is absolutely not the impression I want to give. I distracted them from the issue entirely by suggesting we go rollerblading. That is more the influence I want to have.
Maybe I would be more used to it if I had younger siblings or if I was around impressionable youths more often. Until that moment I was being watched, as if under a microscope, I had no reason to even consider the influence of my own actions on the actions of others.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I am glad that you are now being consious of the impressions you are making on them! They are learning how to be women from the women they are around…
Is this to be a regular feature? I like it. Slightly taken aback by the swearing though; it’s not something you often do in your writing. Not that I mind, of course.
Jstar said it perfectly – the more conscious we are of the impressions we leave, the more aware we’ll become of the influence we have on other people.
Now I love your blog even more because you quoted Fiona Apple!
Haha I bet they watch you! You are their awesome Aunt Ashley! I’m watched all the time by kids…but um, that’s my job so go figure.
I grew up as the oldest but there are only two of us. Have younger family members look up to you is different from having the responsibilities of being an older sibling. My 14 and 13 year old cousins call me their hero and tell me I’m their role model which is a lot of pressure and totally unnerving. Then I realize that they look up to me like I looked up to their moms (who were both in their late teens, early 20′s when I was a kid). Its mind blowing sometimes when you think about it.
Aw, that’s cute that they look up to you. I wish I was conscious of this when I was in high school with my younger sister. Now she takes pictures of herself all the time and apparently she got that from me. :-/ of course along other things too.