“Time, No It Ain’t On Our Side”

This has been a rough week, and I wasn’t able to admit that to myself until Thursday afternoon when things finally got a lot sunnier.  Compared to last week, which featured death and stress and an emotional breakdown, this one was all sunshine and roses, but I kept feeling like it was just one thing after another.  And, when you’re already feeling borderline overwhelmed and emotionally drained, every tiny little thing feels like it could be the straw that breaks it all.

But, then, I got out of class yesterday and it was sunny and I felt good and with my break before work, I went grocery shopping and ran some errands and did I mention it was sunny?  I had to text my dad and say, “It’s taken four years, but California has officially won me over.”  Screw the stupid rain, which I have always claimed to love.  I’ll take sunshine.  Really, the thing is that rain is nice when you can sit by a window and read and it’s dramatically less nice when walking home from work, your flats get flooded with rain water and your jeans soaked up to the knees.

I know I’ve said this twelve times by now, but you might have noticed I regularly repeat things as if they are sudden realizations, because they somehow seem new to me.  It’s just that, I don’t understand my new miraculous ability to survive on so little sleep.  Five hours a night is about the max I get between Monday and Friday.  My dad is a workaholic who has gone decades on that little sleep, but then about a year ago we were talking on the phone and he said, “You know, it’s the craziest thing.  Lately I’ve been sleeping 8 hours a night and I feel so much better.”  Of course, I was like, “I could have told you that twenty years ago,” but I get it now.  You do start to feel super human.  Above sleep.  But, really what you’re doing is falling more and more in love with sleep than you ever have been before.  And, I do notice that though I feel great throughout the day, whenever I so much as lean my head against a chair, I’m suddenly so exhausted I could lay down in the middle of the library and fall asleep.  I actually fantasize about that.  I picture myself curling up in the corner of a classroom and wonder if I could fall asleep there.  Really, though, it hasn’t been that bad. It has, however, made me even more terrified of having kids.  Sleep deprivation is a good way to break someone and I hear the little ones are good at that.

It happened to me again yesterday that I didn’t realize how focused and concentrated I was on the things that had to be done right now! until suddenly they were mostly done and I could finally see beyond the end of my own nose again. I felt guilty, because I have been meaning to call my dad for weeks now (more than just texts and emails), but I can never seem to find a free moment, so I keep thinking, I’ll do that over the weekend when I’m actually at home, but then I forget or still have no time.  And the same scenario plays out with just about everyone in my life.   I’m the kind of weird person who forgets how much she likes and needs people.  When I’m finally not distracted, it feels nice to just talk to people: coworkers, classmates, family, friends.  Something in the region of my heart actually feels lifted.

So, things are looking up and I’m so excited to drink some wine or beer and write and maybe spend some time outside and call my dad (and my mom).  Waiting for me at the end of the next two challenging weeks is a Spring Break trip to Arizona and I can’t wait.  The plans have been set to drink by the pool, which in the last two stress-filled years has become my favorite thing to do.  Lisa and I have also been planning a number of exciting events that will probably end up mashed into one, because after years of joking about it, we actually are pretty busy and important (okay, less so important) these days.  But, there are Rob Pattinson movies to suffer through and Casper moments to reminisce over and a very special 10 year anniversary that I will have to blog about as it approaches.  Priorities, you know!