I never say the words, “I had a bad day.” I just feel like in comparison to others, none of my days are bad, and I know it’s okay for me complain even though I live a charmed life, but it just never feels right, because even when I’m struggling I’m simultaneously happy about a lot of other things. But, yesterday was a bad day and it pushed me to a breaking point.
Tuesday we found out that after battling cancer for more than a decade, a student here in the grad program died. I didn’t know this student particularly well, but she was beloved by everyone here. I met her a couple years ago and she gave me some advice and encouragement that was meaningful coming from a woman who was so passionate about theology and also, well, a woman in a program dominated by men. We were just acquaintances, yet she went above and beyond to reach out to me and tell me the things I needed to hear. She was not the kind of person that everyone looks back at with rose-colored glasses; everyone knew how amazing she was while she was here with us.
I knew that she was sick. I saw her in November and she didn’t look well. So, it wasn’t a shock to get the news and though I found it sad, I was okay.
But, as part of my responsibilities at my second job, I had to write something to share the news with others and offer our condolences. I was initially stressed about it, because it’s hard to write things like that, but I was still okay.
I started not being okay yesterday afternoon when it came time to start working on it and I had to email her close friends to ask for more information and look up information online. Everything that turned up proved she was not just amazingly nice, but also a very talented writer and just full of life. I started crying at my desk at the library. Thankfully most of my coworkers had gone home, but I still tried to be stealth about it, wiping the tears before they could roll down my face. I cried off and on for the rest of my 8-hour shift. No one said anything to me, but I’m sure they noticed my red and watery eyes.
I felt so completely overwhelmed and sad that I didn’t know what to do with myself, but I had to keep working, checking books in and out, and at the same time write something to represent what she meant to everyone here. I was so relieved when I finally got off work, but on my way home, I really started crying. The kind of crying I haven’t done in years. The kind of crying that breaks hearts. I couldn’t say what exactly it was and maybe I was crying for many things that had finally caught up with me. I’m no stranger to tears, but in my life as an adult who lives alone and a thousand miles away from the people who have the power to illicit my tears, I don’t cry near as often as I used to. I don’t even remember the last time.
By morning, I was feeling better, but I still had no idea what to write, so I asked for help, and then the two of us went and asked for more help, and then more. And though I didn’t admit how much this whole thing had gotten to me, because adults seem too good at dealing with death and I am apparently not an adult, facing it with other people made me feel so much better. It wasn’t all on my shoulders. Of course, it never really was, but it felt that way.
Now that it’s done, I can think about other things. I feel silly for reacting so strongly to the death of someone I wasn’t particularly close to, especially when there are so many people here who knew her much better. And, really, what’s my bad day compared to someone who spent so many years fighting cancer and then had her life cut so drastically short. I don’t know. But, I can hardly remember a day where I felt so broken.
I have a headache from crying so much yesterday and I couldn’t help but cry while writing this, but I’m nearly back to my normal self. I just feel a little more hollow than usual. I also feel inspired by a wonderful person who lived a wonderful life, and it’s not that I’m consciously searching for a bright side to all of this, but how can you read about someone so full of life and learn nothing of it? I worked so much today getting the piece put together and out to everyone that I have tomorrow off, and that’s a really good thing, because I know that part of what pushed me over the edge was having no time to myself to reflect. Sometimes it’s nice to be a human being with feelings.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
adults DO cry. at least adults who are self-aware and truly deal with things appropriately. you keep crying if you need to.
I am so sorry you had to go through that yesterday.
I am glad you will have a day off to reflect and rest.
hugs and hugs and hugs.
There’s nothing non-adult about crying, it’s an emotional response and pretty cleansing sometimes. It’s a damn shame (I initially wrote ‘crying shame’! whoops) when someone that wonderful is taken before their time, it just goes to show that it IS important to make the most of life and to reflect on what is important. I’m sorry that you were so distressed!
Sometimes a good cry is exactly what you need.
How terribly sad. And yes, it does mean you’re a human-with-feelings, and I hope the crying was cathartic once you could really let it out. It may not have all been about one thing, at least that’s what I find. A good cry can be overdue. Deep breaths!
No matter how small it may have seemed, she touched your life and so something like this is understandably hard. It’s important to let yourself cry things out — that’s how we cope. I hope you feel better soon!
In a balanced life you experience a balance of emotion. Don’t feel bad for experiencing your life so completely. You can’t just shut sadness out. It’s healthy to deal with it in whatever capacity you need to, even if that means crying.
I’m so sorry to hear about your classmate.
I can relate to this. The summer after my freshman year of college, I worked as a copy editor for a local newspaper. Part of my job was writing obituaries. Depressing, right? Not usually. I actually enjoyed it. But, on my birthday that year — my 19th birthday — an obit came in for a 19-year-old man who was tragically killed in a car accident. He was married with a young child. And in the middle of writing his obit, I broke down in tears. This kid was the same age as me, yet he had such a different life, a life more involved with other people, people who depended on him. I was in an office by myself, so I just let myself cry for a minute, but that obit haunted me for quite a while. You carry the sad stories with you to remind yourself to be grateful for the happy ones.
Don’t ever feel bad for crying or getting upset over anything. That’s truly sad. She sounds like an amazing person, and I would be sad too. It’s amazing how sometimes people who we don’t even know all that well can make an impact on our lives.
Always feel what you need to feel, when you need to feel it. I am sorry for your loss and can’t imagine writing something like you had to write. Perhaps you can honor her memory by reaching out and telling someone else what they need to hear as she did for you. I’m glad that you have some time tomorrow to yourself. Sending hugs.
I think how you reacted to her death, even though you didn’t know her well, really shows what a wonderful person she was. I think that even though you didn’t know her very well, it affected you because she was able to make an impact on your life that really stays with you.
No one’s really good at dealing with death, no matter their age.
Sending lots of <3 and hugs
When someone you know (no matter how well) passes away it’s always shocking and incredibly sad.
Very touching. You evoked tears from me while reading this and I dont know her at all. Yes, she was young and full of life, but it was her time. She fulfilled her purpose here on earth. And her message is being given to those who needed to be reminded that “Tomorrow is never promised” Live each day as it is your last, enjoy NOW!
The kind of crying I haven’t done in years. The kind of crying that breaks hearts. I couldn’t say what exactly it was and maybe I was crying for many things that had finally caught up with me.
Sometimes that is exactly what we need. That happens to me often, and though it seemingly comes out of nowhere or from the littlest thing that should not make me cry, it always feel good while I am crying and I know that afterward I will feel much better.
Stay strong love.
Best,
Hannah Katy
Your reaction speaks volumes as to the sort of person she was, and it’s perfectly okay to cry so much you get a headache (which I hope goes away soon!) – sometimes there are no words to express how you feel, and it’s the only way it can come out. *Big hugs* I’m sorry you had to go through that.
We all hope to live inspirational lives. It doesn’t matter who you meet in life, it all matters how you changed people lives for the better.
Death ricochets through people in unpredictable ways.
that’s tough…I used to work as a journalist. and sometimes, stories would hit me really hard, and I would have to excuse myself to the restroom to bawl (like REALLY cry it out). It’s just so sad to think of loss of life, especially someone so young and with so much promise…
I don’t cry often at all. But when something triggers it, I usually have the experience you described.
Death is one of those subjects that inevitably makes me cry. I went to a funeral about two weeks ago. It was a good friend of my father’s that I hardly knew. I found myself crying there, as my father was reading a eulogy, because I saw how deeply it affected him. Sometimes just being in a place where there is deep sorrow surrounding you makes you sorrowful as well. Even if you do not know the person well, you can still feel the effect that person had in the world.
This happens to me a lot. I just hold everything inside for so long and keep myself so busy that I don’t think about everything that’s bothering me. And then one day, something small will happen, and it will cause everything to bubble up and lead me to crying my eyes out for hours. (Although you aren’t dealing with something small at all!)
Crying is good for the soul. There’s nothing wrong with it, nothing weak about it, and always leaves me feeling refreshed. And I feel better about life and everything that’s been holding me down.
I’m terribly sorry to hear about the grad student. But it seems like she lived her life LOUD and to the fullest she could. And we can just hope we can do the same with our lives.
I always try to fight back tears, but I completely get what you mean about the heartbreaking kind. Sometimes the act is cathartic, but sometimes it is heartbreaking. I’m glad you allowed yourself to experience that range of emotions, and I’m sad for those she touched–it really sounds like she was a remarkable person.
I’m so sorry– both to hear about your classmate and how bad of a day you had/how affected you were. Everyone else has said everything I would say, so I won’t bother repeating though I definitely share many of their sentiments.
One thing I will say is that you shouldn’t feel silly for being affected by all this, even though you didn’t know the woman particularly well. It’s still someone you knew and was a part of your world and just having something like this, even if you didn’t know the person, can affect you.
You’re right, sometimes it is good to be reminded you’re a human being with feelings, but it’s bad that it takes tears and sadness to remind us of that a lot of the time.
I hope you’re doing better.
Don’t feel weird about it. I cry almost every single time one of my cancer patients die, even if I only met them & their family that day. Death is something common to all of us, which we will all have to face eventually. The best thing to do is to come to terms with how you feel about it up front.
I am so, so sorry to hear about her death. But I am happy that “everyone knew how amazing she was while she was here with [you].” That’s so important and too rare. It means you all appreciated the difference she made as she was making it. And that’s wonderful.
That you felt for someone you didn’t know but who you found had had much to live for has meant that she’s impacted your own life and also touched us through your words, and that’s a wonderful thing. I wouldn’t call it a bad day, you’re causing someone to be remembered :)
In college, I was working in the Journalism school when a beloved professor died. I wound up being involved in the memorial service arrangements and sometimes all one can do is cry. Sometimes it is okay to not line one’s trials up with the rest of the world’s and admit it’s been a tough day.