I was sitting in class on Wednesday morning feeling stupid and unprepared. I was nervous about my presentation. I was wishing that more women studied philosophy, so that I wasn’t outnumbered by at least 5:1 in every class. I was cursing myself for not being 100% more confident and kick ass. And, I was resenting grad school for humbling me the way it does.
It’s not just the work of school that overwhelms me. It’s the expectations I have and can’t meet. It’s the need to be something special (because it’s so important to produce orginal work; because unless you’re unique, you’ll never get one of the few jobs available in your field). It’s coming face to face with ideas so complex that I cannot understand no matter how long I stare at the words on the page. It’s working through ideas that I can’t accept unless I change beliefs so deeply ingrained that I’m scared to unearth them.
To me, it’s all so deeply personal. It’s never comfortable to be pressed right up against the limits of what you’re capable of, forced to recognize that there are things you cannot do no matter how hard you try. This privileged American was taught that she could do anything if she just put her mind to it. But, it’s true that if you stay there long enough, pushing up against your limits, the wall moves, so that what once seemed impossible is now within reach. Being pushed is, of course, a good thing and it’s shaped me into this person who is smarter and more thoughtful and creative than I ever imagined for myself.
It’s just that it’s exhausting and I get tired of feeling like my very idea of myself is always on the line–always at risk. There are a lot of things I could do that would be easier–that wouldn’t cause me stress. But, I am scared of that life. Talking to one of my professors senior year of college, I was uncharacteristically open in admitting that I was going to grad school in part because I was scared of not being in school. I wasn’t scared of working; I have always worked. I was scared of a life where I’m not challenged and school is where I’m challenged. I don’t trust myself to seek out that kind of life on my own–to not fall into complacency.
So, I resent grad school for making me feel stupid and unspecial and looked down upon when I so desperately want to feel brilliant, unique, admired. Maybe I would quit if I wasn’t scared of quitting or if I didn’t often experience the kind of reversal I did on Wednesday morning when I finally did say my part and it wasn’t brilliant, but it added to the discussion and led us somewhere new and I felt a rush and I was engaged in thought that I find important. And then I got to leave that classroom with the kind of relief that only comes when you make it through something that wasn’t easy.
I debate with myself about whether this is really the life I want. There will come a point several years in the future when I am no longer a student. But, I will still be in school. I will still be pushed. My subject will still challenge me to my core. I hope only that my stress is tinged with anticipation and not dread. It seems that doubt will always be a part of anything worth doing, but so should satisfaction. There are a lot of people who hate to exercise, but enjoy the feeling of having done it. I’m not one of those people. Though I can find a million excuses not to get started, once I’m running, I enjoy it. That’s how I feel about school too. I’m not just here for the diploma waiting for me at the end (I have a couple of those already). I’m here because I like school. I like even the thrill of running head first into my limits and not giving up.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Yea it can be frustrating…Being challeneged pushes you to where you need to go :)
If you like something, it’s just as good a reason to do something as it is if you are good at it. (I feel like that sentence makes very little sense so I’m going to excuse myself by saying I’m tired)…
i think it’s so important that you keep recognizing and thinking about these feelings. i felt like what you’re describing (that discomfort and resentment) while in law school and the more i thought about it, the more i realized that for me the stress WAS tinged (read: saturated) with dread. that’s one of the ways i knew law wasn’t for me — the prospect of my life as a lawyer no longer came with that rush of excitement or anticipation you’re still feeling. it came with downright fear and hostility. so pushing your limits is always a good thing, as long as you’re still looking forward to where that will lead you. take one day at a time!
When I was a teacher and director of technology, I felt the same way. I felt unsecure and unworthy of being in such a position. But the more I taught, the more I saw the minds of my students pounding away at their own creativity. I wasn’t just teaching them facts, I was showing them how to think and do things on their own. Same with being a director. I was surrounded by people who were far more educated and older than I. They all laughed at me, until a year later, they all came knocking asking me how I did what I did in 6 months when my other colleagues still haven’t done it in 4 years.
I realized, I was meant to be a teacher. I was able to be the boss. But more importantly, I was ready for the challenge, I just need to be confident in myself.
I used to feel that all the time in grad school, and I still feel that way as I stress about whether or not I am in the right career path.
I do miss that about school, because I don’t do that for myself on a daily basis. So, good for you for staying in school and pursuing your dream of being challenged!