Listen, I’m feeling a little crazy. Maybe it’s a contact high from watching too much Weeds. Or, maybe if I really thought about it, I’d realize this feeling has almost become normal for me. It’s just that it doesn’t match the idea of myself I have in my head. The person I was for a really long time.
I’m not really crazy. It’s just that I used to be very sharp. Very on top of things. And I haven’t changed so fundamentally, but I have too much going now to remember every detail or to notice every little thing in the first place. Maybe the person I used to be was the crazy one. She knew every pair of shoes that everyone she encountered on a regular basis wore. She would obsessively check people’s license plates to be sure their tabs were updated. She saw everything and spent hours breaking it all apart. She too often knew what you were going to say before you said it.
Now I see people and can’t remember if I saw them a couple weeks ago or it’s been a year. People say things to me and I misunderstand them. I don’t have a clear read on what anyone in my life thinks of me. Time passes so quickly that it scares me. Sometimes I feel like there’s caffeine running through my veins when I downed my last cup of coffee 12 hours earlier. And I know it’s only a matter of time before I become one of those bloggers WHO’S ALWAYS WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE SMALL LETTERS JUST AREN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYTHING I’M FEELING!!!
It’s different this time. My mind isn’t racing. But, it’s full. Engaged in every direction. This is the exciting part about feeling crazy. I feel like I can take on the world. Well, maybe if I had a little more free time. There are just so many possibilities and I want to read everything and watch everything and write everything. And, yes, I am a little frustrated because ICH HABE KEINE FREIZEIT with two jobs on top of PhD studies, and I don’t know if that German is right, because I haven’t taken German in years, which reminds me that I need to study for my German language exam this Summer and French too.
So, I love my new job and I love my new classes and miracle of all miracles, I have somehow convinced my body that 6 hours of sleep is enough to get through 15 hour days. I am trying to be the more engaged student I want to be. I’m reading for fun. I’m watching all of my favorite shows over again on DVD. I’m thinking again about the novel I started for NaNoWriMo. And, I don’t know, I’m happy. Not perfect. I look like a hot mess and I’ve had a few down nights and irritating afternoons. But, I’m optimistic.
For the first time since I started blogging, I really don’t have enough time to write and once you get out of the habit, writing becomes more difficult. Blogging, especially, because the way I feel about writing blogs has so much to do with the way I feel about the blogging community and when I feel distant from it, I feel distant from my words as well. I’ve always intended on becoming one of those bloggers who blogs a couple times a week instead of every day, but what no one told me is that writing every day is easier.
So, I’m here. If maybe a little scattered. But, life isn’t running me over.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
You have described the way I feel a lot of the time….
And – I have convinced myself as well that 5-6 hours of sleep is enough to get by on 18 hour days… and that is why I am up at 6am on a day that I could sleep in!!!!!
Scattered thoughts are best at times. They help you put your life in perspective!
The way you’re feeling is most probably due to being so busy. You don’t have time to commit the things you used to to memory so you won’t find yourself doing it, you’ve got other things to keep in mind. It’s great that you’re finding time to read and watch shows, that’s important. 6 hours of sleep is generally ok, but if you can catch a couple more every so often (Sunday most likely) you’ll probably feel more able to keep up with the world around you in those ways you’ve specified.
I think you deserve a break! My gosh!
I, too, think you deserve a break. That’s a whole lot of schedule to handle!
Glad to hear all of this! Clearly you’re getting into your routine and your thriving on the busy-ness of it!
I am glad that you are feeling better about things this week than you were a few weeks ago. Life is so great when its so full you barely have time to look around and think “wow how did I get here?” but be sure to take some quiet time for yourself just to process and relax. I completely agree with you on writing, it is easier to write every day than it is every few days but it will get easier!
You ever wonder if all of this is just part of getting older? I’ll notice things differently now. Notice that I forget more – which is odd – above all else.
And you’re right. Writing often is easier. The same goes with reading or the gym or anything. Everything is so much simpler when it’s more routine…
I feel the exact same way recently. And yes, I do feel like I can take on the world. But one thing I realized is that I need to take care of myself first, whatever that may require, before I can take on the world. I can take on the world, but it’s not time yet. Soon. But first, I need to take care of myself and prepare for such an epic journey. Life in itself is a beautiful journey, but what we do with it makes it memorable or not.
Stop.
Breathe.
Smile.
Take on the world.
Repeat.
Sounds like things are going super well! I’m so happy for you.
I can completely agree about how writing everyday makes things easier. In my creative writing class, we’re supposed to write in a journal everyday, but I always procrastinate and try to do it all before my class and it’s just that much more difficult. Finding time is difficult though!
You’re so right, it’s a lot easier to write every day. The longer I wait between posts, the less likely I am to want to sit down and write anything.
I have my moments of ending sentences with caps. I blame Dooce. Also: feeling overwhelmed and crazy-yet-not-crazy.
i’m glad you’re here, and that you write so regularly. i wish i could say that the scattered feeling will pass, but 1) i’m not sure it does, and 2) i don’t know that that would even be a good thing. you’re right to embrace it!
Writing a couple times a week IS harder. I’m trying to do that, because I’m sick of writing every day only to feel like what I’ve written is nothing anyway.
I’m GLAD you feel like you do. I miss that sensation of effortless world dominance I used to feel. I don’t know what’s missing from my life right now that’s making me feel like a fat slob with nothing interesting or good to say, but I hate it. And I’m really happy for you. :D
I feel the same way. I used to be pretty sharp too..and now it’s like, whatever I have been through has made me too dumb. Too..timid, you know?
But I was reading 7 habits of highly effective people where it says that every human has a choice. They can choose on how to let the circumstances effect them, and whether or not to change.
Maybe that’s true you know?
I want to start reading again…I want to be a hard working student-the one who uses all her potential.
Very to happy things are going well!
I LOVE CAPS A LOT THOUGH.
I’m really happy you are doing so well, even being as busy as you are. And I know how great it feels when you do become so busy and realize you CAN handle it and you AREN’T going to go crazy from it all.
I still find it amazing you find ANY time to read/write blogs, being as busy as you are. Keep it up, girl! But don’t forget to take some breaks. Having time to breathe and sleep and unwind is sooo important.
I know the feeling but it is quite an exhilarating feeling though, but glad to hear things are going well. I really enjoy how you are able to put what you feel into words. It is always fun to read about a fellow Washingtonian!
Listen, I’m feeling a little crazy. Maybe it’s a contact high from watching too much Weeds.
I laughed for 5 minutes, and then spent time wondering how I could use this line in my daily life.