It’s been going on for a while now, but last Christmas was the first time I admitted it to myself. It’s just that Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love the lights and the gifts and the music and the food and the family. My birthday is only a few days before, which heightens the whole season.
But, as an adult (if I can call myself that) I find the holidays depressing. I really never expected to be this person. I don’t know if I can go as far as saying I’d rather avoid the whole thing, because there is so much about Christmas I still love and it’s one of the few times a year I get to see my family, but a big part of me dreads it all. I dread my birthday even and not because I’m getting older.
There are four reasons at least that the holidays aren’t what they used to be:
- I’m single. It bothers me mildly at other times, but it’s worse when I go home and it’s worse during the holidays. The combination nearly knocks me over.
- I’m a twenty-something. My life is apartments and impermanence. I go home for the holidays, but I’m not really home, because I don’t live there anymore. My apartment in California isn’t home either, because I am alone there. I don’t want to me married with kids right now. I might never want that. But, during the holidays I want comfort and traditions–not living out of a suitcase and struggling with the idea that for all I have, I don’t really have a home. It’s just an awkward stage.
- Family. I love them all, but no group of people has more power over me. They can do very little and crush me. They know me and all of my baggage. And I care so much what they think of me. Sharing a house with them for a week will have me ready to go home, so I can be anonymous and alone.
- I won’t be working or going to school. As much as I’m looking forward to time off, the truth is that I really suck at it. My mind goes a little crazy with wide open space. Add to it all the thoughts involved with the first three points and I’m bordering on tears or wandering around with no direction.
I don’t mean to overstate any of this. It’s depressing, but it’s not depression. There are a lot of things I’m looking forward to and, please, a part of me even enjoys this emo mood. I will sit in front of the fire with my depressing music (the Travis version of “River” is my favorite) and my journal and pour my little heart out. Sometimes it feels good to feel bad, especially when you see a way out.
I can’t wait to see the tree, to give my nieces hugs, and to play Uno Attack and eat pizza on my birthday.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I tend to go back and forth with being in the Christmas spirit some years. Last year and this year I’ve been really into it, the previous year not so much. As an adult (and a single adult) the holidays are a bit different. Maybe this year you could volunteer a few hours a few days at a soup kitchen or doing something for someone else. This really makes me feel less alone and a part of something bigger (and gets me out of the house when I need a break from my family). I hope you really do enjoy your down time at home this holiday season and The River (performed and arranged by Barry Manilow) is one of my favorite songs.
A WEEK! That’s your problem right there… I’m just going for a long weekend. Any longer than that and I start to twitch… ;-)
I feel your pain on several of these points:
- The “single” thing….well, look at it this way. When you are in a relationship during the holidays, you must buy presents for him, his parents and anyone else on “that side”. Oh, and you are obligated to go to various family functions. It’s like two family Christmas drama-fests. Kind of fun, kind of annoying.
- I still am doing the twenty-something Christmas thing. I can’t believe I will have to share a space with my mom and two dogs for two weeks. I may just lose my mind.
- Oh, and I get the not being busy thing too. I get stir-crazy. I last maybe 3 days in “I have nothing to do bliss” before I start getting gloomy.
Don’t worry, we will all get through the holidays! Happy early birthday!
I first heard “River” after I broke up my a college boyfriend a week before Christmas. I started bawling at my job and had to go into the back room for a good half-hour. That is definitely a Christmas downer.
I think that there is a weird stretch between being a kid and having your own kids where the holidays lose a little of their magic. I assume that when you see things through your children’s eyes than it becomes exciting again.
oh man i’ve been listening to that song (on the Madeleine Peyroux album) on repeat all week! Maybe it’s less depressing than the Travis version? Madeleine Peyroux is a lovely lovely modern version of Billie Holiday. See if it livens your spirits a bit!
I hate Christmas too. Seriously, the music is so depressing. Everyone gets high strung and stressed out about finding the perfect gift & best bargain. And my family just causes me to drink. Ugh…can it be January already?
I love Christmas and since I still live at home and I’m surrounded by family, it means so much to me. But I totally see where you’re coming from. It’s hard being single during the holiday season (ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve).
I can understand that feeling of “depressing but not depression.”
It is indeed weird to be twenty-something. I’ll give you that. I’m STILL not used to it. Will I ever be?
As for being single…sometimes I feel your pain, sometimes I feel completely free to not be tied down. As in, I have the thought, “THANK GOD I don’t have some stuffy man asking me where I am going today and checking up on me at all hours…I’m free to do what I want!”
Hmm…maybe I felt suffocated last time I dated someone. haha.
I know what you mean about those days when it feels good to feel bad. I don’t usually get like that around the Christmas holiday, but at other times I do. It’s so random, but my journal definitely always benefits from it.
I know what you mean, I am pretty much in the same situation. I don’t want to be married because I like the way (sort of) I’m living my life now but there is always a little sadness and nostalgia associated with the holidays for me. I’m constantly conflicted because I’m not sad…but not really happy?
I am definitely with you on the impermanence of the twenty-something lifestyle. It’s a hard, in-between place to be.
Praying for special joy for you this Christmas.
I definitely understand where you’re coming from with all these things and I’ve certainly felt them too. But I think that by acknowledging that you feel this way around these times that it will be a little bit more bearable. It’s sad how Christmas, as we get “older” (I feel weird saying that), loses its… not its appeal but some of its luster. I’ve noticed that it hasn’t been the same as a couple years ago, but maybe expectations need to change as the time passes.
Also, you need to have an “out strategy” when you’re trapped with family. Like for me, generally at the big Christmas festivities there’s usually a TV somewhere I can turn on and there will usually be a basketball game on that I can watch when I need a break. Though I’m pretty sure basketball wouldn’t work for you, don’t be afraid when those pressures from the family start mounting to take a step outside. Believe me, I’m bracing for a litany of “So what are you doing? Where are you going next year? Do you have a girlfriend?” questions that will probably drive me insane. You definitely need some kind of safety valve.
At least you’re not a single THIRTY something like I am now, haha!
To be honest, the holidays probably doesn’t affect me the way yours do as 1) I only live twenty minutes drive from my parents and only go home on Christmas day for a few hours and 2) I’ll only not be working for about a week anyway. I can’t imagine going home and staying there for more than a day now, it’s just NOT my home anymore (plus there’s no bed for me so I’d be sleeping on the floor!)
Ugh, being an early-to-mid twenty something is an awkward stage! Well, I’m only guessing that it will get better in the later 20′s.
I just found your blog on 20 something bloggers and this post really blew me away. I mean it sounds like I could be writing it myself. Thank you for putting this out there and letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Isn’t 20SB great? I joined pretty recently and love all the new people I’ve discovered, including you! I read this post and mentally said “check” for each item. There are so many things I love about the holidays, but those four are always in the back of my brain.
I think your 20s are the time to live in apartments, go on adventures, learn as much as you can, take a lot of pictures and to learn to be okay with yourself. That way if you do decided to have children when you are older you can look at them and say “This is all the cool stuff you can do when you get older.” I am kind of digging the instability of my 20s. I really like your blog. Congrats on blogger of the month!
Mel
http://www.confessionsofageekgoddess.com
It’s strange as an adult how we get jaded and the holidays are tougher. When I was a kid, I just remember how everything was SO magical. I couldn’t tell you what I received as a gift, but I could tell you all about the spirit. And now? It’s just different.
I hope your Christmas is a good one and that you have a fantastic time with your family!
I know exactly how you feel. It’s like I long for the Christmas I once knew, yet it never feels the same. And this year I’m not leaving NC – now that my mom and step-dad are here – so it’s a completely different holiday. I can’t find quite the same excitement in it either, which sucks.
Hopefully everything fits better and feels great though once Christmas is here.
This song just came on to MPR – Radio Heartland, and I was looking up the lyrics when I wandered here. Your blog just reminded me of this podcast from Mosaic I listened to this morning: http://mosaic.org/podcast. Scroll down to the Video Player section, then on the right (On Demand Programs), click on the one entitled “Beyond US: Despair/Hope”.
At least you get to hang out with family! I’ve been in Japan for three years and here Christmas mainly consists of chicken and sex for the Japanese – KFC and love hotels (Christmas is a romantic holiday).
Well, hope your next Christmas is happier! Peace.
Hmm. I’ll admit right up front that I did not read this entire blog entry. I know I know, then why am I writing? I DID read however, the “100 items” section about yourself, and finding myself slightly depressed that the comments were ‘closed’ on that particular blog, I am commenting here.
I actually have never heard of this site before, but I’ll admit it sounds intriguing as I find myself struggling to find more readers (really, just folks who will admit to me that they kind of or even sometimes know what I blog about). :)
A thought struck me about halfway down your page though, and I thought I might pose it here to you. Please feel free to email a response… And so here it is: You say you are studying Theology, which I will admit I find quite impressive. I was curious though, whether or not you are pursuing such a degree because of the education, the ‘open-minded’ instruction of it all so that you can teach other students someday, or if it might be for another reason, perhaps a desire to understand for yourself those questions to which few ever ponder? Who are you, Ashley, really? Who do you think you are, and more importantly, do you live up to your standards, or other people’s standards of you?
I will admit (as it seems I am doing quite a lot of here) that I too struggle on a day-to-day basis of Life and Faith and and conceptual thinking, or even skewed perceptions. But we all learn differently, and some even choose to pursue an education in such. For what purpose, do you race? For what purpose do you study, taking on the form of a recluse and building a wall of books? Certainly head knowledge is affirming, but somehow I doubt that a strict academic life is not your chosen diet. Hmmm.
All just thoughts of course. Funny how the entire world wide web provides me with such a seemingly obscure post at seemingly an obscure time. But as this was posted back in December, I suppose a reply will not be too hasty. (It is, after all, Spring quarter).
Have a great moment, while you enjoy the thoughts you are mulling over now. :)
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