It’s Friday and I Am One of Those People

by Ashley on December 11, 2009

The state of my hair is usually a good indication of how things are going with me. Down and straight? Things are probably going pretty well. Bird’s nest on top of my head? Not so well. By Wednesday of this week, I had been rocking the messy bun look for more than a week and that is unprecedented. It’s finals time, so I know everyone understood why I showed up to class on Wednesday morning look half dead. I thought I was doing so well, especially given my crazy schedule, but then I ended up working all last weekend and suddenly I was staring a 20 page paper in the face–actually, a blank screen where 20 pages of writing should be–and I had no idea how I was going to get it done and still show up to work. I did it, though. There’s a lot more work to be done, but by Wednesday I will be completely done with my first semester as a PhD student.

Every year I feel like I cannot even think about Christmas until I am done with finals. I feel the same way this year. It’s like the whole season showed up all of a sudden and I haven’t even had a chance to think about it. I did put some multi-color lights up in my apartment, though, and they are making me very happy. I haven’t thought at all about the presents I need to buy, but that kind of stuff never makes me anxious. I have very mixed emotions about the holidays (I have a post about this ready to go), but for now I’m excited.

It’s been cold in Southern California. I have been wearing my pea coat! It makes me so happy. And it’s supposed to rain again this weekend. Yes.

I’m starting to think I might be able to control the future with my mind. I was sitting in class on Wednesday night absolutely starving, because I didn’t have a chance to eat at all that day. I was strategizing how I could possibly eat dinner, because I had no food with me and I was supposed to go straight back to work and also somehow meet with one of my groups. I was specifically thinking about how much I want pizza, trying to justify spending the money on one this weekend, even though I’m on a very tight budget. Not ten minutes later, we come back from break and the two professors had bought the class pizza. I could have cried.

Speaking of tight budgets, I have become this crazy person who will sit in class or at work or in waiting rooms scribbling down numbers onto paper. I hope people are looking at me thinking I must be like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, but what I’m really doing is going over my budget in my head, trying to figure out how I can put the most money possible toward my debt. I get a lot of joy out of doing this, weird as that sounds. If you want to read more about the struggle, I’m blogging at A Story of Debt. Thanks to everyone who’s been supporting me.

One more week of work and then I will be off for 17 days (I just counted). I don’t even know what I will do with myself. I always have a hard time downshifting into vacation, but I am so ready for this. I’ve had to save all of my vacation time so that I could make this happen and now it’s finally here. The thought of getting paid for all of that time is still so crazy to me. I know I’ve said this several times before, but paid vacation is the best thing ever.

You know those people who are always complaining about their lives, but they never do anything to make things better? I worry I sound like one of them or that I might even be one. I really am working way too much for a full time grad student–so much so that I’m actually embarrassed to tell people how many hours I work. I try not to complain about it, but sometimes I can’t keep it in. It’s not the hard work that gets to me, but rather the almost complete lack of free time. I am a homebody who is never at home. (I’m not even writing this from home.) The obvious solution is work less, but that’s not really an option because of my debt and because the job that doesn’t pay the bills is the one where I’m doing the kind of networking that will eventually get me a job as a professor. I don’t want to give anything up either, which is why I keep making questionable decisions and adding more to the pile. Keep that in mind when you read the next bullet.

I was at my second job (it’s a research position at my school) on Thursday morning, just sitting there doing my work and trying to stay awake, when a coworker said that she’d just given word she would be resigning. The biggest part of her job is putting together this quarterly magazine, but she is also in charge of publicity for events and things like that. When I heard she was resigning, I had this mini-fantasy about being offered her position. I think that way sometimes. Then I was like, “No, they’d know I would suck at PR stuff and, anyway, I cannot possibly take on another job!” About an hour later, I was called outside and offered the position (seriously, mind control). I hesitated at first, because it’s more hours and more responsibility, but they pretty quickly talked me into it. Really, the opportunity was too good to pass up, and I was honored to be offered it, because the decision was made by a board of my current professors and some retired professors who are the kind of academic superstars I was talking about earlier this week. Starting in January, I will have this new challenge. I just feel really lucky, because it seems like so many good opportunities like this have fallen into my lap over the last couple years. And, hey, more hours at an increased wage will definitely help with my journey out of debt!

I know that blog apologies are taboo, and apologizing for not blogging enough always seems silly to me–like people are waiting with bated breath for my next post–but personal blogging is so much about relationships and when I’m not reading and commenting enough, it feels like I’m not keeping up my end of the deal. So, that’s what I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry. I’m also sorry for the length of this post. You’re too kind to have read this far. Have a great weekend!

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