I am one of those people who feels like a complete disaster most of the time. Maybe that’s an overstatement–the complete part–but I do have the pretty constant feeling that I’m not prepared enough, not put together enough, and not doing enough. It’s not to say I’m tortured by this feeling. I hate it sometimes, but mostly I just accept it as part of life. The second the feeling of edginess passes, I am bored and directionless.
I work under the assumption that there are people in this world who don’t feel this way. I like to think there are people who show up to every occasion feeling calm and confident. I’d like to think that there are people who say things like, “I did my best,” and aren’t secretly thinking in the back of their minds that they could have actually done better. People whose stomachs are never in knots. But, people often say things to make me think that they think I am one of these people, which suggests to me that the whole thing might be a sham. It would probably be boring to float through life anyway.
Still, I’m generally aware that all of this is exaggerated in my head. I suffer from stupidly high expectations and silly insecurities. Things usually go a lot better than I think they will and I usually make a better impression than I think I will.
But, then there are days like today when it isn’t all in my head. I really am a mess. Mostly for good reason, but a mess nevertheless. Wednesday I was rocking third day hair, wearing an outfit that didn’t match and really wasn’t dressy enough for work, limping because my foot has been hurting for weeks now, and starving, because there was no time or opportunity to eat anything but a piece of a cookie and two almonds (both donated by classmates) until 7pm. I didn’t have time then either, but I had to make it. I wasn’t at all prepared for class, but I quickly realized no one else was either. And I learned that I have to write a 20 page paper before next Wednesday, which isn’t such a big deal except that I need to write another paper in that time and I don’t know when I’ll be able to work on either.
Thursday I got up on no sleep, dragged myself to Job #2 without bringing coffee along because I couldn’t find my commuter mug, worked feverishly on last minute preparations for a conference that started that afternoon, had to stay late to finish, went home to eat a bagel, got called back into Job #2, finished that in time to start work at the library, spent my dinner break back at the conference, found out I need to go in earlier than I thought tomorrow, and at that point waved goodbye to my weekend.
By now, you can tell by just looking at me that I’m a mess. My hair started out curly, then frizzy, then went up in a bun that has since fallen to the side of my head. Today I’ve consumed a bagel, half a cup of coffee, a slice of lemon cake, a McDonald’s cheeseburger I ate while driving back to work, and a can of Dr. Pepper. If I was at home, then I probably wouldn’t be writing this, but it’s 11pm on Thursday and I still have an hour left at work. I’m in pretty good spirits, though I’m starting to forget what the inside of my apartment looks like. Today I feel no shame for feeling like a mess.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I hate to say that I am actually one of ‘those people’ and my lack of concern often causes trouble!
Also, this is going to sound so dorky – but, I like reading your blog because it does seem like you have it together! You motivate me to be better at life? :)
I’m a mess too. Right now I am sitting here in my robe with half dry hair trying to motivate myself to get to work (where I have very lame lesson plans to work on). I’ve got two cats that like to pretend to “nurse” on me, and I take it because it’s too much effort to keep kicking them off. Plus it’s my 3 year anniversary, and I haven’t even had time to get a card. Oh, and I wear my hair up so often in the messy bun, that when I actually wear it down and straighten it, the kids say things like, “Oh! I didn’t recognize you. You actually have nice hair.” Sigh…but hey, at least we are keeping busy right?
I have actually come to accept that I am, by and large, always a mess. In fact, I now even describe myself as “cheerful physics disaster.”
On days like the one you described, I imagine that I’m a plucky Bridget Jones type heroine in a movie where I overcome all odds to achieve my goals. Then the “I’m a total disaster days” are just days in “see isn’t she working so hard, life is rough” montage, and then I start humming “Don’t Stop Believing” as my background music.
I do wish the boring and hard parts of life could be lived via montage; they go so much faster that way!
I am one of “those people” too, but it’s a conscious choice. I ran through life with my stomach in knots for years, but I couldn’t deal with the stress of trying to be perfect and did unhealthy things to de-stress (chain smoke). Now, sometimes my easy-goingness turns into apathy, but I’d rather be at that place than have my panic turn into hysteria.
You have a lot going on in your life and anyone would be stressed in your situation. The fact that you continue to blog impresses me because I would definitely let that go (and do, even though I’m not that busy) if I had more going on.
Life’s hard points always make it worth to strive further for the result would be wonderful.
I think everyone has those self-doubts sometimes, but some people hide it better. It seems to me that you have your life quite together though, even if you don’t always feel that way.
I think it’s good that other people think you’re together. That means you portray yourself in a much more confident manner, and you know what they say–”Fake it till you make it.” :)
I feel a little bit more together in the appearance and inner self arenas, but I am constantly losing things and bumping into things and spilling things, so that’s where my messiness comes in.
I think very few people feel like they have it all together all the time—they may present themselves well, but for the most part? I think we all have those days when we feel a hot mess. Be gentle with yourself.
I can honestly say I am a hot mess usually more than half the time. I embrace it. Its part of what makes me me. I hope that you feel more together soon, but really, just go with it. =) Hope you’re having a great weekend.
I never, ever feel as if I have it all together. When I’m in unfamiliar situations, I always feel completely out of control. I always feel like I could have done something better. Or I could have tried harder. And I think everyone feels that way – maybe not to the greatest extent we do, but they still do. Nobody lives a perfect life and nobody makes perfect decisions. We just deal with them, on the outside and inside, differently.
i never have it all together and don’t pretend to. and dang girl, 2 jobs and school?? i never understood how people could juggle school with just one job!!