Things I Learned From My Parents

The other day, I heard someone say, “It’s like my father always says . . . .”  I tried to fill in the blank.  I tried to think of the little pearls of wisdom my parents always repeat.  As it turns out, my parents aren’t big on cliches and catch phrases.  But they have taught me a lot.  More than I can write here, of course, but here are some of the highlights.   If I had to sum it up even more concisely: work hard and be responsible for yourself.  I don’t always live out these lessons, but I always value them.

From My Mom

• Don’t lie.  You’ll only makes things more difficult for yourself; it takes a lot of energy just to keep up with your own stories.  Plus, it’s disrespectful to other people.  Not because you’re being untruthful, but because they know you’re lying and they have to watch you squirm.  Tell the truth.  It’s easier.
• Women need to watch our for themselves.  Actually, everyone does, but women have been less likely to.  My mom never would have imagined that her marriage of more than 15 years would end and she would be left a single mother of three kids.  It meant going back to full time work.  I always wonder, what if she hadn’t had an education already?  What if she hadn’t had so much work experience?  Even with all of that, she struggled for years.  It’s not that you should never depend on anyone.  It’s just that you should be able to support yourself, because you might need to one day.
• Make self-improvement a regular part of your life, but accept who you are, even your limitations.  You can only do your best and you don’t have to apologize for not being perfect.
• There is no shame in getting eight hours of sleep every night.  Or leaving work after you’ve put in your time.  Take the time to eat your three meals every day.  If you don’t set these priorities for yourself, then life will set other priorities for you.
• My mom has taught me a lot about being a good parent.  She is more intentional in her parenting than any of my friends’ parents, even while being a lot more hands off than many of them.  From the time I was I five, I received an allowance every pay day.  That was my money to spend and when it was gone, it was gone.  She would also give me an allowance for school clothes and it was up to me to choose wisely.  When I wanted the Crimp ‘n Curl Cabbage Patch Kid, she bought it for me and then it sat in her closet until I’d earned enough money to pay for it.  As I got older, she made me handle my own problems rather than swoop in to rescue me.  Later when I was in college and living at home, she dropped all the rules and nagging, but asked me to take a more active role in keeping up the household.  Even now, she is very careful not to be the mom too involved in her children’s lives, but she is always there for me and she makes sure I know that.  She also makes sure I know how proud of me she is.

From My Dad

• Take work seriously.  Whether it’s a part-time job while you’re in high school or your career, it’s a job and you need to show up and work hard every day.  It’s a privilege to work.
• Deal with your problems.  I don’t know how else to say this.  Maybe it’s a silly example, but when I was filling out FAFSA for the first time, I was completely overwhelmed and my mom and step-dad were confused as well.  My dad said, we’re just going to sit down and figure this out.  And we did.  I think about that sometimes when I’d rather let myself be overwhelmed than work at something until I’ve figured it out.
• Self-discipline.   My dad is amazing in that he can make a goal and then achieve it.  It’s not that things come easily to him.  It’s that he works at them every day.  He wanted to lose weight, so he did.  He wanted to learn how to roller blade, so he did, even though it meant practicing in a garage for a while.  He wanted to write a business book, so he did.  Even when he messes up, he gets back on track.
• My dad has taught me to pursue my interests.  It did take him a minute to come around to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a practical degree.  I wasn’t going to major in business or nursing or go to law school.  But, once he accepted that, he accepted it.  He cuts out articles about young people who have published books and sends them to me. He tells me how cool it is that I’m in grad school.  When I was a rabid NSYNC fan, he would call me to tell me he heard they were going to be on TV, so I wouldn’t miss them.  When I was younger, we bonded over our love for reading and would spend our Saturdays in used bookstores.
• My dad is one of my favorite people to talk to.  We are both very strong minded, yet we can have these serious talks about politics, religion, and economics that don’t end in tears.  They are the kind of discussions that feel very productive, because we are not defensive and we are willing to explore ideas counter to our own.  My dad will tease me for being so liberal, but he takes my ideas seriously.  A lot of people are not capable of this kind of talk; it requires humility and intellectual honesty on a level that is difficult to maintain.

From My Step-Dad

• Looking for a job is a full time job.  Putting in an application isn’t enough.  Show you’re interested. Follow up.
• Live as honestly as you can.  Just do what’s right.  It’s easier that way.
• People like to talk about themselves, so ask them.  Show your genuine interest.  Don’t assume that people know how you feel about them.  Make it obvious.  Also, let people know you’re thinking about them.  Write them notes.  Surprise them with their favorite candy.  Ask them to coffee.
• Take care of your responsibilities.  Provide for your family.  Keep up your house.  Be supportive to your friends and extended family.  But, don’t forget yourself.  My step dad worked a job he didn’t love for a lot of years, because of his responsibilities to other people.  But, when he was finally able to, he took the risk of retiring early and finding a job he could really love, even though the wage and benefits are probably the worst he’s earned post high school.  He was responsible for years and years and it’s made it possible for him to take this big leap into the unknown.
• Be adventurous.  This is not something that comes naturally to me at all.  Or my mom or brother or sister, but over the last 15 years, my step-dad has taught us how to try new things and loosen up a bit.  He really values having fun.  He has this work hard, play hard mentality that I really admire.