Blogging has been an interesting lesson in learning to be myself. It doesn’t seem like something a person should have to learn and maybe it’s just semantics, but so often in blogging, I find myself wrestling with the gap between me and the person I write about on my blog.
I’m a firm believer that we always are who we really are. So, if you do something really terrible to a friend, the person who did that is you, no matter how much you might want to distance yourself from her. And, even if my shyness makes it feel like it’s hard to be myself around some people, the girl who’s shy is just as much me as the girl I am when I’m not feeling shy. Unfortunately, we don’t get to be the person we want to be known as or the best versions of ourselves. We are all big messes of weakness and strength and regret and emotion and mistakes and joy and a million other adjectives and nouns.
You can try to present yourself in a certain way. We all do it. But, so much of what we didn’t intend to present comes through too, especially over time. These tells are often obvious when in person, but I think they come through in writing too. You can tell a lot about a person by their writing.
I don’t write with the conscious thought in my head of this is how I want to present myself and while I certainly do care what people think of me, I’m not really talking about that either. It’s just that this blog is about me and yet sometimes I feel distanced from it. Sometimes I have things to say, but I don’t know how to say them. Sometimes I’m too annoyed with my own words to publish them. Sometimes I want to put up a million disclaimers. Sometimes I write something from the heart and then feel like it’s not me at all. Sometimes I think that saying anything is saying too much. Sometimes I worry that I sound inconsistent, because life should be as simple as fiction. Sometimes I worry that I sound more serious than I am, sadder than I am, or defeated when I’m not.
I have no interest in maintaining any sense of mystery about myself, because I think that telling people about who I am helps me figure out who I am. It also helps me feel okay with who I am. But, it’s not a code that can be cracked, because who we are is always changing. There will always be times when I feel miles away from this blog, but it will change with me and sometimes we’ll be close enough to hold hands.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m often afraid that my blog doesn’t honestly represent me. Also, the last line about you and your blog holding hands gave me the cutest mental image.
I have to honestly say, that now, in this current mind frame (it might change tomorrow lol), my blog is who I am, and who I present myself as, if not more. Because I blog about things I wouldn’t normally talk about. Or I’d show interest in something I wouldn’t discuss with anyone IRL. Does that make sense?
I like to believe that after writing for a while one can’t help but establish certain patterns of behavior or themes that serve to be a window of an underlying You. Sure, there are different parts and pieces that make up the the complicated and interesting You, but writing about the personal – even the impersonal – helps establish threads that connect throughout one’s personality.
And those concerns about inconsistencies, unclear themes, and an inability to say exactly what you mean? Well, at least for me, isn’t that applicable to the world beyond blogging? I often fear the same things when I write, when I speak, and pretty much every time I interact with anyone. At least when I write, though, I feel like it’s the only real way to find my voice, my consistent themes, or at least track my thoughts over time.
Besides, not to be too cheesy, but I really enjoy your writing and I very much appreciate your honesty and…well, for lack of a better word, your realness. Thank you for that.
Mmm, yes, I totally get what you mean. Who we are and how we actually come across (in life as well as in blogs) is not always the same…and yet sometimes it’s much more the same than we actually realize.
Love this line: “We are all big messes of weakness and strength and regret and emotion and mistakes and joy…”
I think the best blogs are the ones that show all sides of a person: the flaws and the proud moments. You do a great job of being yourself here, whatever that means at the moment :)
My blog is an extension of myself. I tend to be funnier in my writing/videos than in person, but it’s who I am. It has taken 3 years to get where I am at now with my blog, but I’m proud of it.
I definitely feel like that sometimes, too. I think “who is this girl writing this?” Oh ya, it’s me.
I think it’s normal in blogging and life to feel distanced from who we are sometimes!
Blogging has helped me learn about myself, and learn to be myself. I’m a lot more shy in person than I am on my blog. I’m not very social in the “real world”. I find it easier to connect with people through writing, but I’ve always been that way. I used to communicate best with my mother, even in elementary school, through writing notes back and forth. But writing in any form helps me figure out who I am. I learn a lot about myself through my blogs as well as my readers comments and how I reply to them. :D
I understand. I feel like the person I am changes slightly depending on where I am and who I’m with. Sometimes I like that person, sometimes not so much. What’s really great is when you find people that allow you to be your real self, or at least, the version of yourself that you like the best. Those people don’t come around very often.
When I first started, I didn’t have a plan. I just started writing. And I ended up just sounding like myself. I think if I had ever sat down and decided “what my blog would be,” I’d be really unhappy with that I deemed “okay” to write.
I’m glad your blog is who you are.
I think I understand what you’re saying here. Sometimes I look back at what I’ve written and I think somehow it’s off a bit. It’s not exactly what I meant to say, but it’s what I meant to say all the same. Sometimes I feel like half of me is missing when I look at my blog. Then, other times, I feel like it’s a pretty accurate representation of who I am at the moment.
Ashley, thank you for writing honestly and openly. You are lovely.
I had to read this twice. I don’t know why I was so confused, ha.
I write differently than I talk, so I often wonder if I’m presenting a version of myself that isn’t necessarily true. It’s still me – it’s the me that comes out when I’m having an “intelligent” conversation rather than talking about shopping or something trivial – but how genuine is it to the reality of what people see day to day? I guess that’s a question for my “real life” friends.
But regardless of what you put here versus who you are as a whole or in your daily life, it’s all you, just maybe a different part. I could never imagine you as a shy girl with how much I read this, but I guess that’s part of blogging. Putting forth more of ourselves than we might do so otherwise.
I love this post. Its so true. Blogging has really allowed me to be myself and be more ok with the person I am. Sometimes I feel like my blog is more me than the me than I present myself as at someplace like work.