I’ve been wondering lately if it’s still true to call myself very insecure. I don’t think it is. I definitely have my moments, but the majority of the time, I’m okay with the way I look, my talents and shortcomings, and the way I relate to other people. Don’t get me wrong, when I say I have my moments, I don’t mean once a year or so I have a chunky day. Insecurity is still a regular part of my life, but in the same way that it’s a regular part of everyone’s lives.
I used to be much more deeply insecure about my intelligence. If you’re reading this thinking that I was somehow insecure about being too smart, then bless your heart, but it was quite the opposite. I was a little slow going at school to start, and I grew up thinking I wasn’t very smart. It’s silly, because I’ve been labeled smart and a good student since middle school, but I guess you form ideas of yourself far before that age, so when I did start taking school seriously and really succeeding, I always had this feeling that I was faking it. It wasn’t natural for me like it was for my friends. It was an act.
Maybe that sounds weird to people who don’t know what it’s like to have an impostor complex, but it’s fairly common among women and especially among women in academia. The thing about putting on an act is that you’re constantly worried that people are going to figure you out. The thing about feeling like you’re putting on an act when you’re really not putting on an act is that there’s no way to stop what you’re doing or come clean. It’s this constant feeling that you’re not genuine and it’s hard to live with.
I’m not good at painting and I have no problems admitting that and don’t feel embarrassed at all having you know that. So I’ve often asked myself, why is it different with this? Why am I so worried that people realize I’m not that smart? Well, I guess because it’s something that people have projected onto me for a long time and it has become a part of my identity–not so much being smart as being good at school. It’s much harder to admit inadequacy with a major part of who you are than it is to something that means nothing to you.
People who are insecure often overcompensate. I did that for a long time. Playing the Know It All, not easily admitting when I was wrong, trying to prove to people that I had a brain. All of it added to the anxiety and I’m happy to report that I’ve mostly moved past it. After all these years, I’m pretty confident in my intelligence. I know I’m not a genius and I know I’m not stupid. I know when I’m the smartest person in the room and I know when I’m outmatched, but more often I don’t even think about it. I don’t feel insecure; it’s just the way it is.
But that’s in general life. Sitting in the classroom, surrounded by highly educated (almost always) men, sometimes those old feelings of inadequacy come flying right back as if they never left. I still feel like a little girl putting on an act. I feel like the grades I’ve earned and the opportunities I’ve received as a result are somehow a fluke. I let some dude who I think is a total jerk lacking in self-awareness intimidate me into thinking I’m less than and my interests are less than. I worry that they’re all wondering how I managed to fake my way this far. I think my professor must be giving me special treatment, because I got an A and dude next to me got a B, but clearly he’s smarter than I am.
The thing about having an impostor complex is that you know it’s irrational, but even when you try to analyze the facts objectively, you still feel inadequate, because it doesn’t come naturally to you, because you don’t have the confidence, because while they’re thinking about the reading in front of them, you’re thinking about what they’re thinking of you. But, what’s worse is that you stupidly forget that everyone else sitting in that classroom is dealing with their own insecurities.
It used to seem hopeless to me. I’ve been having these feelings since elementary school and here I am dealing with them still at 25. But, considering how much confidence I’ve gained in other areas of my life and the things I’ve learned to accept about myself, I don’t see this as such a big obstacle anymore. I just have to get rid of the idea that accomplishing more–adding that prefix of Dr.–is the way to get past these feelings. It has everything to do with getting comfortable with the person I am now. I know that.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re obviously intelligent. I know what you mean though, about feeling like a fraud. It used to happen to me a lot, but then I realised that pretty much everyone else feels the same way. Since then it hasn’t really bothered me.
I feel like my brain cells are dwindling by the day due to the boring repetitive nature of my admin job, but sometimes I just have this moment of clarity and remember that I AM actually pretty smart. And that always makes me feel better.
I still have all these feelings at 28. It sounds like you are ahead of me in getting over it, but I’m working on it. Slowly.
I’m in the beginning stages of my Master’s (in Communication Disorders) and often question my intelligence and ability to be a good clinician. Some of your words echo exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’ve often felt like it’s a “fluke” that I’m here and that someday people will find me out. Also If I receive anything less than a stellar grade, I feel like I’m a fraud and shouldn’t be here.
But again, I’m working on it. Because I know the two years it takes to finish this will be horrible if I keep up with this.
A lot of people feel the same way you do. Almost every person that I’ve ever considered very smart has claimed not to be that smart and/or claimed to have to work at it much harder than other people. I think most people have trouble owning up to being smart because it’s so subjective.
I feel that way as a teacher sometimes. I’ll have moments where I think, “Ugh I suck. I so don’t know what the hell I’m teaching today.” And then I realize, I’m not a fake, everyone struggles, and I’m fine. I know what you mean though because I think everyone struggles and it’s super common.
Thank you for writing this out so eloquently and honestly. I hope you continue to make progress.
I felt like this in grad school. I got there, and I had to work so hard to get through some readings (it was a much, much better school than my undergrad) and then I was never QUITE sure I understood it, so I would be afraid to raise my hand in class. And then other people (usually guys) would raise their hand and say what I had been thinking, and then I regretted not speaking up, but I would completely psych myself out from participating all the time.
I don’t know when it happened, but one day, it was like I was so into what I wanted to say that I didn’t even stop to think about what other people were going to think of it. I’m sure that will happen to you.
I’ve sort of felt the same way. I was always a good student and told that I was “really, really smart” but I never felt very smart. I worried in college that people would think I was faking. I still don’t feel very smart. Then sometimes I fill out a job application or answer a complicated question for someone at work and think “wow, I really did just do that.” I don’t know why I doubt it. Its something that I’ve struggled with too. You’re absolutely right, it is about accepting ourselves the way we are. Your posts always make me think, Ashely. Great post!
I appreciated this post, more than you could ever know.