20sb Blog Carnival: Untethered

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers! The full details are here, but basically I’m reposting an entry from my first couple months of blogging to give you an idea of the person I was when I started.

The entry I chose is one I posted exactly one year ago: June 24, 2008. I called it “Untethered,” because so much in my life at that time felt up in the air. Many of my friends had just graduated and moved away, I was about to be unemployed for the first time in years, and I knew I was going to be applying to PhD programs, but I had no idea where I would end up. Worst of all, I had a ton of time on my hands to think about the things I couldn’t do much about.

I feel untethered—like there’s nothing holding me in place. Many things in my life are ending, and I’m on the brink of so much new. The next year, especially, feels very uncertain. I live a life that seems very temporary. I’m only here studying for a certain amount of time, and the people I live and study with come and then go as they finish their degrees. My friends are scattered around the country pursuing their own goals. My family is mostly in Washington, where I don’t see myself returning anytime soon. Any job I take is only meant to support me while I work toward something greater.

I’m pretty certain I’ve discovered what it is I want to do, but there is so much room for doubt along the way. Am I talented enough? Can I stand up to the stress? Is this really satisfying? Working closely with one of my professors this year, and witnessing the constant pressure he is under, only pushed the doubts deeper.

It’s both exciting and terrifying to realize how much you determine your own future. I’m a student of theology, so I deal constantly with questions of free will. The particular movement of theology that I embrace places a special emphasis on freedom. I’m in too deep now to ever deny that I’m responsible for my own happiness.

I have more opportunities open to me than most people, and I think that gives me a special responsibility to do something with my life. Right now I feel myself hesitating. It’s part fear and part uncertainty. I don’t know where to step next. But, I can’t stand still. I’m going to have to risk failure and move forward.

I’ve still got plenty of uncertainty left in my life, but since writing this entry, I started an awesome job, finished my MA, and made plans to stay here in California for my PhD. Deciding where I was going to live for the next four years gave my life a little more permanence and I’m grateful for it.