My first response when the California Supreme Court upheld Prop 8 was, well, not surprise. No one thought they would overturn it and they didn’t.
Election Day 2008 was bittersweet. When it became clear that Barack Obama was going to win, I was out of this world excited, but my attention immediately turned to Prop 8. Whether I voted for Obama in Washington or California, it wouldn’t have mattered, but I was so happy to have become a California resident the summer previous so that I could vote no on Prop 8.
When the numbers started coming in, I still held out hope. Up to election day, the projections had always been very close, but that’s not the way the numbers were coming in. Against reason, I continued to hold out hope, but I was only disappointed. And then I had to face the people in my own community who were far more affected by this decision than me. Many of them are gays and lesbians studying to become ordained, which I mention in case you’re prone to simplistic views of religious people, especially Christians. It wasn’t just the possibility of marriage that was taken away, but the declaration that you are not equal to us. It broke my heart.
Since November 4th, I have been positively shocked by the domino effect of states across the country legalizing gay marriage. I know that they will face the same challenges as California, but it’s a movement now and that makes a difference.
My response to the Supreme Court upholding Prop was, as I said before, not shock. It was calm. Because I have the confidence that California will get this right very soon. And, I know that’s not adequate. The last thing I want to say to the gay and lesbian community is don’t worry, we’ll get it right eventually. That is simply not enough.
When I was in college, I worked as a receptionist with this girl who was my opposite in almost every way, but who was my friend anyway. We were a true odd couple. We often got into debates. I remember one very clearly. It was before gay marriage even seemed like a possibility, but we were still debating the rights of gay people. Her opinion was that the gay community should stop making such a fuss, because things would work out eventually. She always seemed to think that things happened magically over time, which drove me nuts, because I know that things do not just happen over time–they happen when people fight like hell over time.
So much of the talk about gay marriage has frustrated me, especially since the former Miss California’s strange speech on “opposite marriage.” There’s so much talk about respecting the opinion of people who think gay marriage is wrong. I think it’s bullshit.
I will respect the opinion of someone who thinks that gay marriage is wrong and for that reason chooses not to marry someone of the same sex. I will not respect the opinion of someone who thinks that gay marriage is wrong and therefore votes to make gay marriage illegal for everyone in their state. There’s nothing respectful about taking rights away from your fellow citizens. I’m not going to tolerate injustice. I’m not going to dance around the issue that I not only think they’re wrong, but that I think they’re bigots.
Yes, I think we will all look back at this moment and compare the supporters of Prop 8 to those who denied rights to black people and women and other minority groups. But, I’m not going to waste my time placating those people. If they want to listen to me or even if they want to really challenge me, I will listen. I’m not scared of differing opinions. But, if they’re going to stand in the way of the rights of homosexuals, I’m not going to give them respect. They will always be free to their prejudices and I won’t act against them in violence. The first amendment prevents the government from taking away their right to free speech, but it doesn’t prevent me from disagreeing with them. It’s not against the law to be a racist or sexist in this country either, but I don’t respect those people either.
It’s not enough that we’re getting there, but we are. California will get this right. Very soon, I think. We underestimated the hate and prejudice we were up against. In the meantime, I will support the gay and lesbian community as they lead the fight.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I couldn’t have said it better myself. The world needs more people like you.
As a California resident myself, I feel very strongly about this issue. I was very disappointed in CA’s decision to say “yes” to such a hateful denial of a basic human right. I was also shocked, but I guess that’s because I grew up in a part of CA that’s pretty liberal, and I tend to forget that CA is not all hippie-land (maybe that’s why I’m seeking refuge in Berkeley soon). Anyways, this was well-written, and I think a lot of people in our generation feel this same way. We got our president, and I am confident we can override this silly law too.
I think that’s the problem with a lot of people today–they sit back and wait for something to happen rather than fight for it.
I live in the Bible Belt. There is a church on every corner, and the first question I was asked when I moved here was, “what church do you go to?” (True story.) Mostly everyone disagrees with same-sex marriage, no question. It’s really very sad, especially since I have close friends that are gay/lesbian/bisexual.
I hate prop 8.
It would be so awesome if I came up with that awesome tagline, but behold I didn’t.
I agree with you on the view of Prop 8 – why deny people the right to be with whomever they please – and be able to have a recognized union of love? Is it bothering anyone?
I wrote about this not too long ago:
http://thedumbestsmartgirlyouknow.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-do-we-think-we-are.html
The thing that really brought this home for me (the fact that the issue goes far beyond the right to marry) was a protest picture. An older black woman held a sign that read, “I’m so tired of protesting this shit: black rights (check), women’s rights (check), gay rights (no check)” It’s all the same. We’re all equal. Why don’t we get it yet? How long will this injustice continue?
i second the dumbest smart girl you know, the government keeps segregating groups based on the rights it thinks they should have that will maybe make them feel equal to the men and whites. it’s so stupid. rights are for everyone regardless of age, sex, colour, height, weight, birthplace…people are friggin’ people.
I love this post. And I agree with, every word. ;)
The thing that I agree with most in this post is when you say that “I think we will all look back at this moment and compare the supporters of Prop 8 to those who denied rights to black people and women and other minority groups.” And that’s what scares me about all this, both for my state and as a country. We’re going to look back on all of this and be so ashamed and on the “wrong side” of history, and I don’t want that at all.
And I know I blogged about how I’m pretty sure this is an issue that’s created, and a semantical issue over the word “marriage” that’s drummed up to polarize voters and manipulate them (esp. by the über religious right).
Things will change, and CA will get it all right eventually but I’m glad you’re another good voice in CA since I can’t be there these days. Excellent post!
This post made me smile.
We’re gonna fight like hell to make it right =)
I think that gay marriage should be legal. There are three US states that allow it now, and three more that will by the end of the year. It’s disheartening that California–the state where most gay people can feel at home–is so backwards on this issue.
How I feel about it? Ok, don’t let gay people get married IN A CHURCH, if it’s a religious issue. But let them get married in a courthouse. It’s not hurting anyone!
I should mention, though, that I think gay people should be allowed to get married in a church, if they want to. I just understand that the religious side doesn’t like that.
“I will respect the opinion of someone who thinks that gay marriage is wrong and for that reason chooses not to marry someone of the same sex. I will not respect the opinion of someone who thinks that gay marriage is wrong and therefore votes to make gay marriage illegal for everyone in their state.”
Perfect.
was pointed this way from francobeans, and i’m glad for it. this is a wonderful essay. “It’s not against the law to be a racist or sexist in this country either, but I don’t respect those people either.”
i have faith that one day our kids will look back incredulously at these decades and snicker about the dark ages we lived in when it was still okay to openly discriminate against gay marriage. i’m not ok with the fact that i have to wait for the future for this to occur, but i am positive we’ll get there.
I was so glad that I was too lazy to change my voter registration away from CA when I moved 4 years ago so I could vote against prop 8 last year. And I completely agree with everything you wrote — well-put.
As most of your awesome posts, that was just SO well written!
I completely agree with you, and the thing that gets me is, why do we feel we have the right to dictate what other people do with their lives? I’m not gay and therefore would not date or marry someone of the same sex, but what’s it to me if other people want to do that?
It doesn’t affect me at all. Therefore, I don’t really care. It’s not that I don’t care about the issue, because I do, I just don’t understand WHY it’s an issue! It’s so frustrating and stupid. I think you’re right, eventually it will work itself out, because people are fighting like hell for it, but that’s not right. It’s not fair that some people feel they have the right to make decisions about other people’s lives! Grrr. These kinds of things just make me SO mad!!
I’m right there with you.
OK, so after everybody “gets it right”, what are we going to call real marriage?
Very well said!! There’s no difference, in my mind, between a white person who hates or degrades black people and a straight person who condemns those who are gay. NO DIFFERENCE.
It’s hate, pure and simple. And I’m sure you know what side of this issue I fall on, even if I have no say in Prop 8. It’s another battle, for sure, but it’s one that will prevail. I’m certain of it, and we can only hope that it happens sooner than later.
I completely agree with you on this one. I can respect others opinions, but if you have issues with gay marriage, don’t get one. Don’t limit those who want to get them because they’re different than you are.
I’ll never forget what happened my sophomore year of college. I lived in the sorority house, and one of my roommates walked in one day declaring, ‘We all need to vote for the amendment to the LA constitution that says if the U.S. legalizes gay marriage, we don’t follow suit because we’re good Christians’ or something along those lines. I was completely disgusted and still am. Being a Christian is more than following a strict set of rules. It’s loving people for who they are, and, more importantly, accepting that.
I guess I must clarify. Sure there’s been lots of variation in how marriage has been handled throughout history, many with serious shortcomings. But, at the heart of whatever has been considered marriage, the irreducible elements, regardless of the society or at what point in history, have always been a man and a woman, the biological requirement for human procreation. In any society, marriage defines the culturally approved context for procreation. Removing that from any definition of marriage means taking something that cannot be marriage and trying to call it marriage.
“Who cares what the definition of marriage is?”
Lots of people, apparently.
But I’m not surprised to hear you say that. Respect for marriage has taken such a beating over the last 40-50 years that to many people it’s void of meaning and hardly more than an excuse to throw a party.
“I’m not sure I want children at all, so should my marriage rights be taken away?”
I never said or even implied that procreation was a requirement after marriage, only that marriage was a cultural prerequisite for procreation. (now don’t get snarky on me!)
“Tell me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you’re debating some small semantics issue while avoiding the reality of what it means to take rights away from American citizens.”
OK, you’re wrong (insert smiley). I’m objecting to the attempted overthrow of marriage as an institution. It has always meant something and it’s important for it to continue to mean something, regardless of, or perhaps especially because of, the abuse it’s suffered at the hands of those who hate the very idea of marriage and the ideals it represents.
And as for taking rights away from American citizens, does it not bother you at all that fundamental societal decisions are being taken away from citizens and elected officials and placed in the hands of imperious judges? If not for that, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.
“Marriage has most certainly NOT ‘always meant something.’ How can you even claim that in a culture in which 6 in 10 marriages, by your definition, end in divorce?”
Let me know when it gets to 10 in 10. Until then, it still means something. Honesty means something, even if some people are dishonest.
…What exactly is “real marriage”? Marriage is marriage. Only the religious and closed-minded want to set limitations on it and define who can and cannot marry.
What exactly is the “real” difference between a man and woman marrying and two men or two women? Why would their marriage be any less “real”?
Obviously some clarification of terms is necessary, because we’re not all seeing this the same way.
MinD, perhaps you can show us how the concept of marriage that has served humanity so well for 10,000 years or so, also covers this new idea of marriage. Please include the terms husband and wife, too.
As I said in my email, marriage has not been the same for 10,000 years. And, the fact that we’ve done it a certain way for a long time is, alone, a very poor argument.
On top of that, the definitions of words change all the time. Nothing is stagnant, least of all language.
On the issue of gay marriage, it seems like you’re arguing a tiny and mostly unimportant point for reasons I don’t understand. The issue is not what we call it, but why you object to giving all American citizens equal rights, including the right to marriage.
I still don’t understand at all where you’re coming from. Who cares what the definition of marriage is? Who cares if that definition is going to fundamentally change, which you seem to be saying, though I wouldn’t agree. As for procreation? I’m not sure I want children at all, so should my marriage rights be taken away?
Tell me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you’re debating some small semantics issue while avoiding the reality of what it means to take rights away from American citizens.
Marriage has most certainly NOT “always meant something.” How can you even claim that in a culture in which 6 in 10 marriages, by your definition, end in divorce?
Basic human rights? Those MEAN SOMETHING. And they are worth fighting for. It’s a shame that equality is not recognized in many cases WITHOUT a fight.