I have a lot of insecurities. Most of them are not unique. But, there’s one that I’ve never heard expressed by another person, and that leads me to believe I’m alone in this.
I always worry that people think I’m too serious. That I have no sense of humor. That I’m no fun.
This insecurity is actually pretty reasonable, because people do get this impression of me.
I first became aware of this in middle school. I was pulling things out of my locker, engaging in some small talk with a classmate. Somehow the conversation led to this girl telling me in a frustrated tone, “You’re too serious, Ashley.” This wouldn’t have been so bad, except the girl telling me I was too serious was the same girl who cried when she didn’t get first clarinet in band and actually became resentful of the girl who did–a girl who was amazingly talented and beyond nice. What I’m saying is that being told I was too serious by this girl was like being told by Steve Urkel that you’re too dorky.
I also get a lot of people explaining their jokes to me or apologizing for them, because they deliver a dry joke, I respond with even drier humor, and then they somehow think that I’m responding seriously because I didn’t get the joke. This never ends well.
Bottom line, you don’t want people to think you’re no fun, and you don’t want to be misunderstood.
I’ve gone through several phases with this. I used to be defensive. I thought, I’m not too serious. They just don’t know me. Then I went the opposite direction and became defensive about people thinking there was something wrong with being serious. I was like, maybe if more people took themselves seriously, then we’d all be much further along.
Now, I mostly think, who cares? Yeah, I am serious. I like to talk about things seriously. It doesn’t mean I think I’m the center of the universe. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of humor. Not everyone will get to know me well enough to understand all this, but oh well.
Still, sometimes the insecurity surfaces. I’m trying to impress someone, and I’m worrying that they’re getting the wrong impression of me. Or, someone says something that gives me the idea that they think I don’t understand. Or, a stranger tells me to smile, and I realize that my expression must make me look completely unhappy.
A few weeks ago, I was looking at the posts I had lined up to publish on my blog, and I was hit with the sudden insecurity that you could very easily get the impression from my blog that I’m completely miserable. Actually, I’ve had this thought before.
In our culture, we often assume that the ones laughing and joking are happy, and the serious ones are miserable. I’m pretty sure that any comedian would tell you this isn’t true. Ah, the tears of a clown.
I’m just saying, I’m not as emo as I may appear. And, it’s easy to clown on blogging, because to write about your life is to take yourself somewhat seriously. But, really, would you rather be the one taking yourself seriously or the one who spends your time making fun of people who take themselves seriously?
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I love how so many of your posts are about things that I’ve considered in my own life, but never really articulated. It definitely makes me feel better and a little bit more sane.
But I definitely agree, I’d rather be more serious because what’s the alternative? Being really flighty or not having any real substance? I don’t see how being serious, more so than any other thing, is bad. Maybe I just don’t understand though.
Also, when your family starts telling you that you’re too serious and that you need to have more fun, you know you’ve done something right. Having your family insinuate you need to think less about school/serious type stuff and go out and have fun at college (with all the drinking that entails) was kind of a mind-trip.
You make me think. I like that about you. So thank you, for being you. :)
It’s not quite the same, but people ALWAYS ask me what’s wrong and say I look “sullen.” I’m sorry I don’t always have a shit-eating grin across my face, but you know what? I’ll smile when there’s something to smile about. Until then, I am what I like to call “at rest.” If you have a problem with that, well, I’m sorry that you decide to make assumptions about my “bad mood” but it’s just not true. Some of just aren’t Mary freaking Sunshine in our resting state.
I worry that I’m not funny at all. I know for a fact that I have quite a playful personality when I’m with people that I’m comfortable with and not eaten up with anxieties, but I don’t have the innate ability to make people laugh. I worry that people think I have no sense of humour because of it.
Jokes I tell always fall flat or I can never think of anything funny to say, and that makes me feel awkward. So in turn, the conversations that most people have with me are purely functional and to the point, making it seem like I’m much more serious than I actually am.
I’d imagine that if I stopped worrying about it so much & relaxed, I would probably come across more light-hearted, but it’s a difficult reflex to control.
I was a serious little kid, and I have always been someone who has a sense of humor but other people don’t joke around with me because I just don’t give off that vibe. I used to be bothered by it and I tried to act differently, but I don’t care as much now; I’ve found my niche. However, my mom’s #1 insecurity is people thinking she is too serious.
I hear you on this but one of the things you said stood out to me. You said that people could read your blog and think you’re miserable which I think is true for MANY bloggers out there. A lot of bloggers use the internet as a forum to vent and I think that’s OK as long as there really IS another side of us.
I have thoughts like this constantly. One of the lines that used to bug me the most came from a friend.
He said that I don’t have friends. The entire statement is based off the fact that he never sees me bring someone over to our house. Meanwhile he’s constantly the social leader. I tend to keep to myself. I surround myself with a few select people. I’ve never been in the spotlight and I prefer to spend time with my boyfriend or roommates. Recently I realized that I don’t care what he thinks. I’m happy the way I am.
That’s the key. Be happy with what you are and let others do the worrying!
I definitely think it’s possible to have a balance between the two. To take things seriously but also be able to be light when necessary. Hopefully people see me this way? Mah, no idea.
I get asked “what’s wrong”, “are you mad” all the time because my relaxed, focused face isn’t one with a smile. I get being misunderstood. I have never thought you were too serious, just that you are a thinker… I like thinkers. I have also never got the impression you were miserable, much the opposite actually. You have a lot going on and you come across to me as proud and focused and I actually think you are quite the funny one! I think we all get hung up with the thought of what others see us as or think of us, I think you’re awesome and I think lots of other people do too!
I don’t think you come across as too serious or boring or miserable via your blog. You come across as intelligent and interesting and bring up a lot of interesting points – and I think you are funny! Not emo at all!!! :)
I’ve never thought you were “too serious,” especially because you smile in pretty much every photo of yourself you post in your “picture a day.”
Personally, I tend to be one of those happy-go-lucky people always smiling and visibly happy. So when I’m not all giddy and bubbly, people automatically assume something is wrong even though it’s highly unlikely that something is. I guess people just prefer the smiling ones…?
Damn. Post that without the next line:
Happy people give them less to worry about.
you know who is serious and badass all at the same time? Daria. hehe.
But is all seriousness (I had to), don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough the way you are. I’ve always had people tell me “We’ve gotta break you outta your shell,” my whole life. No, no, I don’t have to hatch into a better person…you just have to get to know me better for me to show you the fabulousness that is me. My real friends have taken the time, and love me for exactly who I am. Yours too, I’m sure.
My vote is the one taking myself seriously.
There’s nothing wrong with being pensive. There’s a time and a place for being silly–but there’s also balance. Being able to smile is a wonderful thing, just as long as you remember that you are smiling for a reason.
People just need to take the time to get the know what’s inside. One of my insecurities is that people always think I’m mad just because of the shape of my eyebrows. I know it’s stupid but I literally go around with a plastered smile on my face so people won’t think I’m mad at them.
Wow! your article is thought-proviking. I was going through a bad time as someone just told me that i’m too serious whilst i do not think so, then i start to wonder, can be stop stereotyping or make judgements about someone. I’m actually someone who knows how to have fun, but just because I’m serious about my work, everybody thinks that i’m a loner, as in being serious means that you cannot communicate well with others, that is so not true!! And it hurts that people just make judgements like that without bothering to know you..
I get told this on a regular for as long as I can remember. One day my sister said the same….the gas station attendant said “Smile, it aint that bad!” So together as we are having this conversation (driving to Sears) we decided to put this continous smile on our faces…we were not aloud to stop. Talk about HARD. It makes you laugh uncontrolably because why the F are we smiling? It literally makes you feel like an insane idiot. By the the time we got to Sears both our faces hurt. I had to reverese.and back up to the loading dock…that was the funniest, because I turned fully around to greet the person at the back entrance already with a smile without even seeing him…knowing him. I’m sorry but you know that would appear very weird.
The worste for me is when I’m working on my computer and researching something that I should have turned into my boss 5 minutes ago…and some jack ass..quite a few actually….say, ” Your so serious, don’t look so intence!” I f’ing hate that!!! Who the hell does there work with a constant light hearted smile? Mean while the people asking…”what’s wrong” aren’t walking around beaming ear to ear. Shit it makes me want to say ” and I’m sorry God made your face look like that too :( :( ;) Ha I crack myself up.
I just wanted to thank you for writing this. I have gone through the same thought processes about myself and I think I am just about reaching that stage where I’m accepting that I’m just a serious person and that there is nothing wrong with it. I can’t count the number of times I have been told “cheer up, it’ll probably never happen” – made me act more jovially around people and funnily enough I felt miserable doing it! If I am putting on a happy face in my day to day life it is much more likely that I am upset about something. Even my closest friends make fun of me for being serious at times, but at least I know they’re just having a laugh, and I don’t mind that. I’m serious, but I’m not up my own arse!
I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog! I realize you posted this over a year ago but I just wanted to say that this is exactly how I feel but I never really felt insecure just misunderstood.
It gets better when you have like-minded friends. If you’re really serious, you’ve just taken on adult responsibilities earlier than everyone else, and there are a clutch of people out there who are the same. As long as you can still run around in a circle screaming and whooping, then you’ll be fine.
Yes I have been told by strangers to smile more. The minute they say that it just makes me feel bad, I was just fine before until they said that. I am also serious, and I have been like that most my life. I rarely have fun or laugh, because I think or worry about things too much. Occasionally I would get a real good laugh because of something really funny that a work colleage says to another. On top of that I am naturally a quiet person so I cannot make a joke to save my life. But I have a sense of humor, I watch comedies a lot. On the outside my face looks so so serious, those times I am usually not even thinking anything!
Thanks! I’ve just been told for the umpteenth time by my bf that I take things so seriously. I really feel like when I get told that that people would prefer I act like a dump person with no brain in their head. I really don’t want to act like a nitwit. And then I feel pressure to not appear to “thoughtful” too often. To me, thinking is being analytical. But to him being analytical is taking thinking to the next step of obsessing over something. I know that I have a sense of humor and that I can be funny but that is just part of me. There is a whole different world inside my head that I don’t think many people consider.
You’re deffinately not alone on this one. I’ve had people at work tell me that I’m too serious (these were people I’m in charge of). We used to get together for lunch or for a beer now and then. When around most people I’m pretty quiet unless I’m (A) interested in what they’re talking about, and/or (B) feel I have something to contribute to the conversation. If neither A nor B exist, then I listen. Especially since the bulk of these conversations are drenched with gossip, I don’t feel right contributing to it. I don’t beleive in talking just for the sake of talking–too many people make fools of themselves this way-it appears they’re trying too hard. By listening, I’ve learned things that they didn’t realize they were giving away. I enjoy joking around as much as the next person, but if I don’t find it funny-I don’t laugh. I may smirk but I’m not going to feign amusement to save face with the joker. I guess my “humor” is more like sarcasm and sometimes people don’t get it. My small circle of long time friends understand my humor and we joke easily with eachother–they can take it as well as dish it out–it works. I used to feel there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t considered someone fun to have around and that hurt. Now I realize that I really just didn’t have anything in common with those who left me out of the invites to go for a beer or come over for a BBQ.
loved the post, I’m much like this….. everybody has a sense of humor, mine is a difficult one, I don’t find everything funny. When I was younger I though maybe there was something wrong with me, now I definitely don’t, there’s nothing wrong with us. It’s our personality to be more serious and we should be respected like everybody else.
Peace!
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