I am happy. It’s taken me a long time to realize it.
We’re trained by books and movies and tv and music to think that happiness looks a certain way. It’s singin’ in the rain. It’s walking on sunshine. I guess I thought that being happy meant being in a constant state of absolute joy.
There was a time in my life when I was miserable. I was so uncertain about what I was doing with my life. I had major body issues. Things weren’t going terribly wrong, but I just wasn’t happy. I wrote page after page in my journal about how I had to change, because I didn’t want to live that way.
I finally listened to some good advice and stopped looking for that extra pound lost, that 4.0, that new job to make me happy. I tried to just be happy with myself in my current situation. It did not happen instantly. It didn’t even happen quickly. In fact, it happened so slowly that I didn’t even recognize it at first.
It’s been a few years since I realized that I’m happier than I used to be. I thought, I’m happier but I’m not happy. I couldn’t be happy, because there are still so many things I want to change about myself–so many ways I could be better. There are so many things in my life that I want, but don’t have. Sometimes I get so stressed out that I nearly make myself sick. And by sometimes, I mean very often.
But, there’s this weird feeling I have almost all the time. It feels like I’m being pulled up. I can’t really describe it, but it feels physical. Even when I go through times of great stress or even sadness, I still have this feeling in my chest. I think it’s joy.
When I say I’m happy, I don’t just mean that I’m not miserable anymore. I mean that I’m excited for life happy. I’m jumping around in my apartment at 1am to Blue October happy. I might even be singin’ in the rain happy, but it’s hard to tell because it doesn’t rain here often enough.
The reason I was so slow to recognize it was because I thought that I couldn’t be happy until everything in my life was perfect. I thought that happiness was not having a care in the world. But, it’s not. It’s much messier. I am happy at the same time that I am sometimes sad. I am happy, though I have a million cares and they’re all stressing me out. I am happy even right now when I am also extremely annoyed by library patrons.
Maybe it would surprise some people to know how happy I am. I mean, I don’t walk around with a smile plastered on my face. I don’t speak strictly of rainbows and Care Bears. But, that’s a naive idea of happiness anyway. This happy girl loves listening to depressing music and writing seriously about her life. Maybe it’s not the vision of happiness we’re all used, but it’s no less real.
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I love this post. I’ve realized this over the past couple of months, too. I am happier. I’m enjoying life and myself. I’ve learned to be my own friend instead of my criticizer. Obviously, I’m not bright and shiny happy, but anyone who is bright and shiny is delusional.
That’s very true- that we’re preconditioned to a fully formed of happiness that’s correct in every instance and that’s what we need to feel to be happy. But it’s definitely not that, and I feel like our ideas of happiness are very similar, in that it’s about being comfortable or in a good, metaphoric, place. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I want to be unhappy, so I have something to struggle with and overcome that’ll make me stronger. Being happy is a weird thing. It’s nowhere near as easy anyone makes it out to be. So it’s great that you can feel this way!
Also, I too would be a bit alarmed if you only talked about rainbows and Care Bears. That’d be a bit strange (haha).
I couldn’t agree with you more. We’re all always trying to have the perfect life, and think if we don’t, we are automatically deemed depressed. No one’s life is perfect, and there are plenty of happy people. I’m going to try doing what you’ve done. It seems to be working!
We’re on the same wavelength this week. I have a post sitting in the draft documents of my blog. I am glad that you are happy Ashley. You’re right, part of being happy is choosing to be happy, letting go of certin childish notions we have of what happiness should be. Living in the now instead of waiting for other things to make us happy. Great post!
Thanks for putting that out there — It’s good to be reminded that happiness comes in many forms.
That is so true. Media and the World makes us think we have to have everything in place before we can be happy. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that day will ever come, where everything is perfect. It is like one of those Laws of the Universe. Newtons? I don’t know, been too long since I took Physics. ;)
Anyway! I am glad you have found happiness. Stressing out and being all anxious is no fun!
When the music starts to play and the colors dance with me in tune with my life, I’m always happy
This is a great post. You’re right, so many of us get caught up in trying to achieve some generic brand of happiness that we fail to realize when we actually are happy.
I’ve been reading up at the Happiness Project, a site all about the quest for happiness (it’s also becoming a book). One of the “myths of happiness” the author lists is that you’ll be happy as soon as you hit perfection. It reminded me of what you said about wanting to get the 4.0, lose weight, etc. before you could be happy.
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/03/happiness-myth-no-8-youll-be-happy-as-soon-as-you.html
good for you! this is a great shift in awareness. :)
You are absolutely right. I am happier now then I was 2 or 3 years ago. It may not look like it on the out side but I am. Heck, I’m happier then I was 6 months ago.
If people had everything they want they are not nessesarily happy. Most times they are depressed or obessed with getting more.
I’m happy that you’re happy :)
True happiness, I have learned, runs much deeper than a smile (or, as you put it, Care Bears and rainbows). I think it’s a way of looking at the world. I also think it is a choice. Realizing that I could be happy even in the face of stress or frustration made such a meaningful difference in my life.
I was miserable when I first moved to Kamloops last fall. I started getting happy in Jan/Feb, but it took me awhile to realize that I was happy. I wasn’t smile plastered to my face, walking on rainbows happy either, but I was content with life and things were good :-)
Good post, Ashley.
Of course, my favorite part is the jumping around to Blue October at 1AM :)
I can relate, as every one else has said. Even if my times of hardship, somehow I just know that things will get better, this faith is something that I’ve never had before, and its a joy to have now.
All I can say is me too.
I read this post on a day when I’m feeling rather low. But your post reminded me of what I told my boyfriend a few weeks back. I honestly told him that I’m happier than I’ve felt in a long while. While I can’t attribute the happiness to a specific event, I don’t have to. I’m just pleased that I finally let go and realize that happiness does come in many forms.
Life is far from perfect. I’ve always found it hard to believe the movies when life seems perfect. I mean perfect is different for everyone. So thanks for that reminder. I was feeling rather low, but I’ve been reminded of what I said only a few weeks ago. The world seems a bit more cheery from where I’m standing now. :)
a. men. to. that.
I feel like you just took that right out of my brain. I had to check that I wasn’t at my own blog. Reading my own thoughts. alas, I was at yours.
Isn’t being happy, content, joyful, whatever simply amazing?!
You’re so right. Happiness also includes living in the present, taking things as they come. It’s so easy to forget that. I’m glad you’ve gotten to such a great point in your life :).
Nice post. . . did you do anything proactive to try to change your attitude or did it just happen with time?
There are a lof of things holding me back right now – little, silly things but still draining – to your point, worrying about losing those last 2 lbs or the perfect grade…logically I know they’re insignificant but focusing on them can be draining.
I related to this a lot and am going through some of the “AHHH” about my life/general happiness right now.
I’m not quite at the satisfied place you are, but what I know for sure is this: perfection doesn’t exist. So I need to stop aiming for it. The end.
I am totally with you on this post.
And anyway, if everything in our lives was perfect, that would just be boring. And then we wouldn’t be happy cos we were bored!
I love this! I can totally relate to what you are talking about here. I always think everything has to be perfect.
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