I don’t take criticism well. I’m very sensitive, and I take everything personally.
That’s not to say I don’t think criticism is important. I mean, my academic career is built around criticizing the ideas of others. If I want my own thinking to be sharp, then I have to accept criticism. And, I do. I play the game. I take it in. But, while the praise rolls off my back, the criticism strikes right at my heart and lingers there for a while. Some people get defensive in the face of criticism, while others of us just wallow in it.
I am more sensitive than a lot of people, but I think most of us struggle with criticism. It’s hard to take no matter who you are, because if you care about something, then it’s part of you. We make such a big deal about criticizing ideas and not people, but my ideas are so intimately tied to me that I can’t help but internalize any criticism of them.
For some of us, criticism will always be a little painful even if we can see the value in it.
There’s still the question of what is appropriate and helpful criticism, and what is not. It seems to me that there’s no easy way to distinguish between the two. Just because you call something constructive criticism doesn’t mean it’s helpful or the product of pure motivations. And, sometimes too, the most hurtful and least-constructive criticism inspires the most change.
We all know the internet is full of anonymous haters who will say anything. Them we can write off easily, but what about the exchange of criticism within the much more intimate world of personal blogging?
When I first started blogging, I was kind of thrown off by how extremely nice and supportive people were. It seemed like I could do no wrong, because everyone was so willing to take my side. It made me a little uneasy. It’s no good being surrounded by people who never disagree with you. My feelings changed once I spent more time getting to know other bloggers. We developed more complex relationships, and I realized that their positive comments were genuinely supportive and not a sign that they were unwilling to disagree with me. In that way, my relationships with other bloggers were not unlike the relationships I have with friends and family in real life.
Still, I’m sharing a lot of personal information. Every day on my blog, I make myself extremely vulnerable to criticism. Does that mean it’s okay to tell me what you think of my life? I mean, I’m sharing it with you. If we’ve developed a relationship through blogging, then does that mean you have a responsibility to tell me when you think I’m making a mistake? I don’t know. I’m certainly not going to say that you have no right, because you don’t really know me. If you read my blog, then you know me.
Forever ago I was told that you shouldn’t offer advice unless it’s asked for. That’s pretty much the rule I stick to, but sometimes I wonder if live and let live is always the way to go. Maybe it’s too individualistic. Maybe we’d all benefit from a little more friction. Maybe we’d all be better off if we shared our unique perspectives on each other, even when they’re harsh.
I’m not writing this post because I’ve received a lot of negative comments. Judging by some of the discussions on the 20sb forum, it seems that I’ve been oddly spared from some of the harshness going around. I’m just trying to explore that huge gray area between the necessity of criticism and the pain of accepting it. Is there room for criticism between personal bloggers?
If any of you ever do level some harsh criticism at me, I probably won’t take it well. I’ll probably retreat for a while, scared to open myself up to more pain. But I’ll get over it eventually, and maybe I’ll even grow as a result.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m ridiculously vulnerable when it comes to criticism. That’s why my blog doesn’t really discuss anything that could really be opposed. It’s just my every day life. And even then I still get anonymous comments of criticism. You’re beyond brave for having a blog where you discuss controversial issues.
I don’t like criticism at all… But I’ve got my head around the reasoning that I’d rather have criticism than no feedback at all. Not having feedback is not useful for growth, and generally it feels (to me) as though my ideas/work isn’t important enough to others for them to even bother formulating a response. That to me, is far more hurtful than any amount of criticism.
I cry when bill collectors yell at me. That’s how bad I take it.
Criticism is a part of growing.
I tend to wallow in criticism. I’m very hard on myself, too. But both bring change, eventually.
I think I can deal with harsh criticism as long as it’s handed to me in the right way with tact.
Oh I’m definitely the same way in terms of how I take criticism. And that can make doing academic-y things very difficult. I think the way a lot of people approach giving criticism makes it harder for people to receive. I see it’s necessity, I guess, but I find myself being close to your POV on the matter than any other one.
Interesting thoughts. Something an aspiring teacher like myself should think about more. As for outside the classroom though, I don’t like to put negative criticism out there unless I’m directly asked my opinion. As for myself, I am my own worst critic.
Great topic. As a teacher and someone who works with children, I spend a lot of time thinking about the costs/benefits of criticism and the ways in which is can be helpful and distructive.
I welcome academic and profession related criticism because they are helpful and I’m not an overly sensitive person. I also don’t mind personal criticism, so long as it is constructive and being given by someone I respect. But the rude, downright mean criticism is always uncalled for.
When I ask for criticism or advice I accept it better then if someone criticing me over something that I did not ask about or sharing their opinion about my decsion when I could care less. When not asked, criticism and advice from others hurts a lot. I shrivel up in my own little world and don’t want to come out for days, months, years. I even get to a point where I am angry at them for sharing and won’t talk to them for a very long time.
However, if it something that I have asked about it does sting a little at first, but then I accept it. From there I become a better artist, performer, writer, person, and friend. Only from this can we become better, evolve to who we need to be.
I don’t give advice or criticism unless asked, and then I am always honest. I figure if they asked I will give them my opinion.
it’s interesting, this whole criticism thing. like you, while the praise is wonderful for me, i tend to linger over even the slightest “constructive” criticisms. it’s always hardest with me when it deals with my academic writing, since it’s one of the few things i pride myself on. it’s the absolute worst when it deals with the really personal stuff, like my relationships or my family.
personally, i tend not to critique people’s blogs. discuss things, yes, because that’s always fun and many times blog writers welcome discussion on hot issues even if the opinions of others disagree with their own. but critiques are different. these are our blogs, you know? for me, i think i just don’t feel it necessary to peer review or edit or just overall critique what someone else writes for their own sake. it’s their free space, you know? they should be able to write freely however they wish to write, to whomever they wish to write to. i sometimes offer advice, but i usually try to wait until it’s asked for (which i think is a great rule of thumb you have).
I still remember things people said to me years ago. I’m also super sensitive and really take it very personally.
As far as blogs and bloggers go I don’t mind respectful opinions. I still take them really badly but if they’re not meant to offend I accept it easier. Rude/mean comments just make me angry. Those I delete.
In the two months my blog has been going, I’ve had two different people post really negative, mean responses on two separate occasions. I didn’t post anything offensive or provocative either time. Just talked about my life, and some people clearly felt that that gave them free license to tell me what a horrible person I am.
I feel like there are just some people out there on the internet looking for someone to be a jerk to, and they’ll take any excuse to do it. If you ever get those kinds of comments, I hope you ignore them. It’s not worth worrying yourself over people who are so miserable, they have to troll the internet for people they can make feel as unhappy as they apparently are.
Haha, this so reminds me of my last two posts. I guess I received what I thought to be my first “negative” or “critical” comments yesterday when I posted about my love life. I don’t know…I don’t want everyone to agree with me or support everything that I say, but jumping to conclusions about things they don’t know and throwing it out there in a way that is hurtful…that sort of takes it to a new level.
“For some of us, criticism will always be a little painful even if we can see the value in it.”
For me, criticism is MOST painful when I see the truth in it. When I know what the person is saying is dead on, but I’m pissed and defensive about it anyway.
It all depends on the motivation. Some people are trying to be fuckheads, and that’s on them, (you can smell them a mile away– fuckhead is like a liberally-applied perfume.)
Then there are those who are genuinely trying to make a valid point, something that is meant to help, not harm. I think that we, as bloggers, need to recognize that, yes, we are putting ourselves out there and making ourselves vulnerable, and that’s fine– but that’s on us. We’re making that choice, and that doesn’t mean that the rest of the world has to pussyfoot around us and just kiss our tuchuses all the time.
People have their 1st Amendment rights, even on blogs. Especially on blogs, and we need to respect that.
Plus, we can always just delete their fuckhead criticisms.
Fuckheads.