I Have to Remind Myself

In my junior year of college, I took a Feminist Literature class. We read this comic book called The Complete Hothead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist. I’m embarrassed now to have been kind of embarrassed to carry a book that said in big letters HOMICIDAL LESBIAN TERRORIST. But when I came across a quote that really spoke to me, I wrote it down in my journal. I look at it now when I need a kick. Here it is:

Look at me and promise that you’ll never stop what you’re doing just because someone looks at you funny. And that the words “I hate myself” will never come from your mouth. Promise yourself that the next time you have an idea and the little motherfucker in your head says “It Ain’t Good Enough,” you’ll rip its throat out. Promise the universe that you’ll do the thing that makes your house rock.

This quote came into my life at a time when I really needed to hear it. I’d gone through a number of majors and ended up back where I should have always been. English it was. But what would I do with an English degree? I’d just finished a required theology class that had knocked me off center and changed the way I looked at the world. But maybe it was just a passing interest. I wanted to write, but I didn’t think I had any talent.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and I felt pressure from others, but mostly myself, to choose something practical. Instead I chose the things that make my house rock, and I deal with the sacrifices and uncertainty as they come.

I was going to stop there. Snappy, but vague and dishonest. I have to say that lately I’m really feeling the effects of my decision to pursue my dream career of being a professor. I used to talk about it as a sacrifice. I thought I knew what I was talking about, because I’d always worked hard. I mean, I grew up a middle class white girl in the United States, so I’m not going to give you a sob story, but my parents never shielded me completely from the reality of the world.

A lot of the undergrads I encounter in the library live in a little college bubble where they don’t have to worry about things like money. That wasn’t my college experience at all, so I freaking hated when adults would try to talk to me about the real world. I was like, what world do you think I’m living in? Even now, it’s hard for me to admit that they were partially right. But, the further I get from college and the safety net of my parents, the more weighed down I am by responsibilities and obligations and freaking bills! Damn those bills. Every month the regulars come along with a few surprises. Things are only made more burdensome by the current economic crisis.

I still don’t regret my decision, but I’m not sure I knew what I was getting myself into. Maybe that was for the best. Sometimes the idea of settling down and building a career from the education I already have sounds very appealing to me. But, it’s not really what I want. It would mean settling, and when you’re fortunate enough to know what makes your house rock, you owe it to yourself and the universe not to settle for less.

I mean, if I’m going to fail, then it’s going to be big! None of this giving in or giving up crap. Not when I know what I want.