Graduate school offers many opportunities to ask yourself, “Is this really what I want to do with my life?” No matter how passionate you are about your field, it’s hard to maintain a high level of enthusiasm when you’re constantly meeting deadlines, making copies, networking, watching the interest accrue on your loans, studying when you’d rather be doing anything else, and dissecting ideas so minutely that you can no longer remember why they matter.
There are times when I ask myself why I’m doing this, and I can’t think of any answers. I remember one such moment in particular. I was in a class on postmodern thought giving a presentation on thermodynamics when it hit me that I had no idea what I was talking about or why it mattered. I came to graduate school to study theology. What did that have to do with thermodynamics?
And then there are times when I am so engaged in theological questions that I can’t imagine studying anything else, and I thank my lucky stars that I had the guts to pursue my less-than-practical dream of being a professor of theology.
Lately, though, I’ve been free of these highs and lows. This year is strange in that I’m mostly working. I’m taking very few classes. Actually, this semester, I’m taking no classes at all. It’s been a lifestyle change. Instead of spending large chunks of my time sitting in once place, focused on one thing, I am all over the place, jumping from job to job. Sometimes when I walk around the library, I find myself feeling jealous of the students camped out, studying quietly, but when I have time to do the same thing, I am anywhere but the library doing anything but sitting still and quiet.
It came as a surprise to me, then, as I was walking across campus yesterday, on my way to a meeting with the chair of my thesis committee, to feel this sudden rush of excitement to get back into my old habits–to sit down at my computer, surrounded by books, and start writing away on a paper that still feels out of reach. I don’t just love studying theology. I love the whole thing–the books, the writing, the ideas, and even the deadlines. It may always be true that when the pressure’s on and the tasks are piling up, I’ll wish that my only responsibility was to sit on my couch and watch TV, but I keep at it, because this is what I came here for. This is what I love to do.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
I think that it is awesome that you know what you want to do. I wish I could say the same for myself. Happiness is the greatest success you could ever achieve.
Finding what you love to do is the most important thing. Happiness is so important. I am reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama at the moment and its wonderful. Have you read it?
I know exactly what you mean. There are so many times when I’m sitting in class wondering why I’m learning about genetics and calc when I’m already doing what I want to do and it has nothing to do with anything I’m learning in school. But at the same time, I know that when I graduate, I’m going to miss school. There’s just something about finally turning in that term paper or getting an A on a calc test that makes me feel so accomplished. You don’t get grades at work…
i really need to go back to school. someday…but for now, i’ll have to live vicariously through other people. it’s really cool that you’re so motivated and encouraged by all the studying and tests and writing. it sounds like you’ve found where you want to be :)
You describe exactly how I feel regarding school — When I get the paper assignment, I freak out a little. My stress levels rise and I worry that I just won’t be able to do it, for one reason or another. Maybe I won’t be able to make my argument strong enough, or maybe I’m intimidated for whatever reason. But then, the minute I sit down to write, and I surround myself with my books and notes and thoughts, I start an outline and everything seems to fall into place. That is one of my favorite parts of school, my favorite moments. And, when I finish the paper, I feel amazing. I love the writing process and I love how much it enriches your academic experience. It is the main reason I’ve returned to school. And, to be honest (and a total nerd), I can’t wait for my first paper assignment. ;)
Spoken like a true lover-of-learning :) I’ve felt the same ways many times. And I needed to read this right now, since I’m in one of those “lows” at the moment – when I’d rather sit and watch TV!
I had a similar feeling as to what you’re having, getting back into books and hunkering down at the computer, when I first started classes here. I was saying, throughout the summer, how excited I was for classes to start and to start learning things and writing papers and having classroom discussions. Boy, did my tune change quickly….
I miss school and I would love to go back to get my graduate degree in Music History. However I HATE the french horn professor there. I would have to work closely with her and that is just something I don’t think I can do right now. And I can’t go to another school, because my husband’s work is here and I don’t think I could just leave him.
I miss going to the library, learning, disscussions in classrooms, papers, ensembles, the concerts, and being on campus. I miss it a lot. I guess more then I thought I did.
It’s really exciting that you’ve found that one thing that excites you enough to pursue for the rest of your life. I’m still waiting to find mine . . .
It’s great that you know what you want in life! Congrats!
I’m jealous of you! I miss being at school around all of the excitement. ;-)
This has nothing to do with your post, but today I’ve been looking for blogs to read and there are some excellent ones on your blogroll. Random, but just letting you know.
What a beautiful feeling. I loved the anticipation of diving into books and picking out just the best bits of each for a paper. Philosophy was great for that. Sometimes I miss it, but then sometimes I fill the void by checking out a dozen library books and leaving them sitting around!
I’m really happy for you!
Hey there,
Just read your past few posts… You have some good stuff to say! I’ll definitely be linking you and checking the updates. Ciao ~ ~
I think sometimes taking time away from something you love is a wonderful thing. It makes you realize just how much you love and appreciate it. I think if I were taken back to academia or decided to go to grad school now, I would appreciate it a lot more than I did in undergrad, when my only thought was to simply get out.