I’m not sure if I’m ready to write this post. I don’t know quite what to say. My mind hasn’t wrapped itself around this issue yet. I’m not even sure if it is an issue. But, I’ve been dancing around it a lot on the blog, which means it’s certainly on my mind. Actually, it’s starting to control my life.
I think I have an anxiety problem. I immediately want to say, “but it’s not a big deal!” I haven’t had an anxiety attack or anything. Even the word problem sounds too serious. But, it is a problem, and it’s been a problem for more than a year.
I keep thinking it will get better when I finish this project, when I finish this semester, when I find a job, when I finish this semester, when I apply to PhD programs, but all of these things have come and gone already, and though the anxiety has lessened and intensified, it hasn’t gone away. It makes sense to worry about these things, but I find myself anxious almost all the time, even when I’m not sure what I’m worried about.
I also keep thinking that I have the ability to make it better all by myself. If I just focus. If I just stop procrastinating. If I exercise more. If I take it easy for a while. If I take some deep breaths. If I finish everything I’m worried about. But, I have tried and tried, and though the pull yourself up by the bootstraps mentality still holds some hope in me, how many times can I try and fail before it’s stupid not to look somewhere else for help?
To be honest, I don’t even know if what I’m experiencing is anxiety. I keep saying that I’m in a funk or feeling down, but that makes it sound like I’m depressed, and that is not what this is. I’m closer to manic, but not that either. The smallest things are stressing me out, it feels like my mind and body are racing, I think about everything all the time, I always have this feeling of fear and dread in my gut, and I can’t ever get enough done to calm myself.
I can survive this. I’ve been doing it for quite a while now. But, I can no longer believe that things will get better on their own, and it seems that if I don’t do something now, I’m going to reach a breaking point eventually.
But, the real reason I decided to write this post right now, even though it seems like I should wait a while, is that I had a very scary thought today. Two scary thoughts actually. I thought that I didn’t want to get help, because I didn’t want to admit to other people that this is a problem I can’t handle alone. And, I don’t want to consider medication, because I don’t want to be a person who needs medication. I couldn’t believe these thoughts were even in my brain as I was thinking them. I am appalled at myself. I have always been utterly confused by people who think that psychiatric illness is a sign of weakness or embarrassing in anyway, and even more so by people who refuse drugs that might really help them. I guess I think differently when I’m the one in question. But, the thought of stupid ideas like these stopping me from getting help if I need it really scare me.
I’m also concerned with the way this is affecting my body. My stomach is always in knots, I often lose my appetite, my mind races when I’m trying to fall asleep, I feel almost jittery sometimes, and suddenly out of the blue, I have high blood pressure for which there seems to be no medical explanation.
I guess I don’t really know what to do because I keep going back to the thought that it really isn’t that bad. Honestly, truly, it really isn’t. And, stupid fear aside, I don’t think I need medication. But, I really don’t want to live like this anymore, and unless I pack up and go home, there’s no future ahead for me that doesn’t involve a heavy work load and a lot of stress. I’d be better off facing this now instead of later when I reach a crisis point.
As part of my benefits package at work, I can have a few free sessions with a therapist. Maybe I should talk to someone about this. I’ve never tried that before.
If you have some experience with anxiety, or even if you don’t, I’d really like to hear from you. If you don’t want to leave a public comment, you can always email me at writetoreach[at]gmail[dot]com.
Related posts:
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve had anxiety problems my whole life. It comes and goes, gets worse at some points and gets easier at others. I was always an anxious kid, Mom used to compare me to Telly from Sesame Street because I was always worrying about something. Anyways, it really came to a head in first year university, where I started getting anxious about everything, to the point where I barely ate and going to classes some days seemed like an unbearable feat. I think anxiety is tied to depression, at least for me it is, because I started to get really depressed, like, not suicidal, but crying all the time and not wanting to do anything, not caring. My parents were really supportive and let me call them up crying on a daily basis and let me come home every weekend. Luckily, having a grandfather as a doctor and also a family doctor who’s known me forever, they thought it would be a good idea for me to go on medication. Part of me wanted to resist it – I’m not the kind of person who needs medication just to live their life – but I knew that how things were wasn’t the way I was supposed to be, so I went on Paxil. Let me tell you, that was hellish at first, it’s pretty rough on your body, I threw up a lot. But I got used to them, and now they’ve become part of my daily life. I tried to go off of them once, but the withdrawal is awful and I was more anxious than ever. I know some people believe that anti-depressants are terrible drugs that make you addicted to them, but I truly believe that they are necessary for me, not for everyone, but for me. I used to feel bad that I needed medication to get by, but Mom explained it as there is a chemical imbalance in my body, and I need the meds to fix that. You wouldn’t make a diabetic feel bad for needing insulin, she told me. Anyhow, I’ve been on meds for about 6 years now, and I know that I would not have been able to get through this last year without them. BUT, meds aren’t for everyone. I never actually saw a therapist, mostly because I am a chicken and did not want to face my problems / the stigma. But honestly, I should have, especially in first year uni. Most schools offer free counselling services, or at least they do in Canada, so to anyone else, I would recommend going that route first, mostly because it would be nice to have coping strategies to learn how to deal with it rather than just relying on meds. But I guess the moral of this super long story is that it’s not just wackos that have mental health problems. Some people may not understand that, but anxiety is a real issue that can really effect your life. And if it is seriously effecting your life, go do something about it. Find what works for you. The anxiety doesn’t ever really leave, it’s still a part of you, but you can keep in under control – I am so much happier now that mine is.
Hi there. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now I think, and I just wanted to offer my point of view regarding anxiety.
I have dealt with anxiety/depression related issues for most of my adult life, and I must say that seeing a counselor is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.
And it is certainly something that can be overcome. It’s something I live with daily but that doesn’t own me any more.
I have never really been an axious person, but about a year and a half ago a situation triggered a lot of anxiety and many of the same feelings your have. I too, thought that it wasn’t bad, that it would go away after certain things or periods of time but it didnt. I also didn’t want to be on mediciation. I thought I could deal with it myself, but the truth is I couldn’t. I didn’t go see a licensed therapist, but I did turn to one of my mentors from college who is a great listener, (and a minister, but I don’t practice one religion over another)she was just a valued and trusted friend/confidant. We would meet for dinner or coffee and just talk. She gave me the outlet I needed, the perspective I was lacking, and after a short while I was feeling more like myself. Blogging helps me too, and emailing other bloggers who have been through similar situations. My advice would be to talk to some — a therapist, a trusted advisor/mentor, someone. It helped me immensely.
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder a few years ago. It started out much as you are discribing and eventually got so bad that it would cause me to black out. Sometimes I would black out two or three times a day. It was a means of shutting down my brain so I didn’t have to deal with it. It became very frightening. I eventually went to a neurologist who put me on meds. It worked. I took the meds for about a year before deciding to go off them. When I went off them I could still feel an anxiety episode coming on but I was much more prepared to deal with them and I knew how to handle it. I function pretty much as a normal (whatever you call normal) person these days and handle anxiety and stress much better now. But I know how dehabilitating it can be and I know how it can affect you. If you have questions or ever just need someone to vent to, feel free to contact me any time. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.
I first encountered anxiety in the form of some pretty serious depression and eating disorders in college. I had always thought that medication and therapy were right for whomever might need them. I just never really thought that I might be that person. Therapy came naturally. It felt right. When medication was suggested, I couldn’t quite decide how to feel — on the one hand, I realized that it might help and, on the other, I was afraid of becoming dependent on something that I really didn’t want in my life in the first place. I struggled with this mentality for many years, while I went on medication and subsequently went off years later, only to discover that I needed it, once again, some short time after that.
It is not forever. The anxiety, the therapy, the medication. None of it is forever. I had to remind myself of that a lot.
If you’re not sure where the anxiety is coming from, but it’s still eating at you in ways that are interfering with your life (which it sounds like it is), then perhaps therapy is the right move. Even just taking that step, of picking up the phone and making an appointment, can be a huge relief. I’ve felt it multiple times.
To this day, I struggle with anxiety. In fact, I just wrote about it yesterday. Sometimes I am unsure of its cause or origin. Sometimes, if I just think about it clearly, I can pinpoint the exact reason. No matter what, it can eat at me. I’ll feel it in my stomach — a pain, a discomfort. Or I’ll chew my nails until they bleed. Or I’ll pick at a pimple on my face until it scars. It can be debilitating. And, to be honest? I’m tempted to say that, for anyone who is conscious of their life and what they are doing, it’s totally normal and understandable. The problem is figuring out how to cope with it, how to exist with it, and how to get through it.
I have a lot of experience with therapy and medication. I also have a lot of friends who have experience. If you ever need to ask questions, even seemingly simple ones, I’m here. It’s good that you wrote this. Perhaps you feel a sense of relief and you’ll probably learn something valuable — you’re not alone. And whatever next step you decide to take, it’s going to get better.
I find that the worst part about anxiety is the constant over-thinking everything. I am constantly listing in my mind all the things that could go wrong, and then planning out in my mind what I should do in those situations, so I feel prepared. That’s why my anxiety manifests mostly in a social way, because people are pretty unpredictable and I’m scared of their judgements. That’s a lot to cope with when there’s a lot going on in your life otherwise at the same time.
When I’m anxious, thoughts run through my head really fast and I feel really terrible, and at that point I *know* that I need to get help. But then the next day, when I’m feeling better (and probably removed from the situation that set off the attack) I tend to brush it all off. My point is that it usually DOES come back, and I’m still not any closer to dealing with it.
I think that you should DEFINITELY use those free sessions with a therapist/counsellor. Even if you find that it’s not for you, at least you have taken a step towards fixing the problem, and it will help you feel more comfortable about getting more help in the future if you need it (whether that be medication or more therapy). There are also some great self help books around nowadays dealing with stress and anxiety, so maybe you could give those a try too?
I think that an important thing is to try to be as honest as you can with yourself about how you’re doing. It’s one thing to put on a brave face against the world to try to protect yourself from whatever you see out there, but I’ve found that it’s better not to lie to yourself with statements like “I can cope” when that’s just not true.
In hindsight, knowing the sort of thoughts you must be going through, it’s a lot easier said than done… But fixing yourself with the right attitude for this is probably the best start you can give yourself, even before you make any action on it.
I would like to tell you that yes, I’ve had experience with anxiety.
My dad suffers from anxiety REALLY bad. He’s on meds for it, and if he doesn’t take his medication for more than about a day or two, he starts getting panic attacks. He’s been suffering from anxiety for about 7 years I’d say. When he takes his pills, everything is absolutely fine for him. But if he doesn’t–he gets really bad attacks and drive himself to the hospital because it gets so bad. I know from my father that the medications really DO help. It may take some trial-and-error with different kinds of pills, but, they work.
As for myself, I had two panic attacks about two years ago. They both happened the same day. The next day, I went straight to our campus psychiatrist. I told her that it was REALLY scary and that I didn’t want it to happen again. She gave me a TON of literature to read that actually helped. All about how to talk yourself calm and stuff like that. So now if I feel like I’m getting anxiety, I know what to do.
Also, I limit my caffeine. Everything I drink is decaf, since caffeine can trigger anxiety. I know if I mess up and have even TWO cups of full-strength hot tea, that I’ll start to get anxious. So, no more caffeine for me, and that helps a lot.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression for probably most of my teenage and adult life, but only really publicly acknowledged it four years ago when it became so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed. I only let it get that far because I didn’t want to let other people know that something wasn’t right, I didn’t want to admit there was a problem, and I did not want to be on medication.
And then my aunt said something that is so simple that suddenly made everything make so much sense. She pointed out to me that if I had strep throat, or even a broken arm, I wouldn’t think twice about going to a doctor and letting them prescribe something to cure me or make the pain go away, right? So why wouldn’t I let the doctor treat this other illness?
Oh, right. It wasn’t all in my head. It was something that was treatable, and easily so. And once I was started out on the meds (at the lowest dosages I think even) I was amazed at how quickly things started to return to normal, and how much better I was beginning to feel.
I would say, talk to someone about it. You very well may not need medication, but at least talking to a professional about it, they may be able to give you a few tips for managing and curbing the anxiety.
I had severe panic attacks and anxiety. I didn’t end up taking medications, for the most obvious reason of all. No health care. However, to the uninsured, this is what I did, and it seems to have helped a lot. Since moving to Houston, I’ve only had one panic attack episode and one major anxiety attack episode.
Compared to having had them weekly and frequently, that’s pretty damn good.
For me in order to get it somewhat under control I first cut out the external factors that pushed me over the edge. I ended toxic relationships and had to learn to forgive myself for past mistakes. (The forgiving yourself part is not easy.)
I also started doing little things for myself that are beneficial, such as exercising. Things that I enjoy. (I wouldn’t recommend things like eating out, vegging out, or spending money as you may feel guilty in the end for doing so.)
Whenever I become anxious, especially over things like the job search, I do my best to try to bounce back. Whether it’s just thinking affirmations, calling a friend for support, or just visualizing a positive result.
It may not be easy, but I really think my life is so much better now that I do these little things for myself, which for the most part keeps 95-99% of my panic/anxiety attacks away. I know people may argue that positive thinking alone has not decreased my anxiety attacks, but in conjunction with eliminating very negative influences it has helped. (Oh, and exercise, goodness, exercising is so important.)
I don’t know if there’s anything toxic in your life at the moment, but it wouldn’t hurt doing an honest evaluation of your current state and seeing who or what you can get rid of that is bringing nothing, but stress into your life.
Ohhh yes, I can be an anxious person…definitely a worrier. Well, I was MORE anxious in the past. This may sound silly to you, but I have a spiritual side that has blossomed in the last 2 years. Simply taking time to meditate/pray/realize that there is a higher power in control (therefore, why try to control everything myself?) has really helped me.
Not everyone believes in a higher power, I realize…for them I would still suggest meditation, and therapy certainly couldn’t hurt! Especially for introverts like us :)
The the key is realizing that there are people to help you…whether it be a therapist, or just a friend that helps you study. I find relief in community. And, of course, make sure you’re doing something fun daily to take your mind off of stress (i.e. gym, reading, ping pong, dancing…whatever floats your boat).
I don’t have much experience with this subject, and certainly not as much insight as your previous commenters, but the first thing I thought of is that you can take advantage of being a student and go to one of the inevitable counseling services around campus. These can be hit-and-miss, but if you don’t do the therapy sessions offered in your benefits or if you use them up, that is an alternative. I also think that highly-educated people often think that they already know what therapists/doctors would say, so they think that talking to someone wouldn’t help. I’m not saying this is the case for you of course! Just made me think of it. No matter how you end up dealing with this, I hope that it gets better.
My mom actually just went to the doctor for this problem, she’s been having anxiety attacks since some family stuff has been going on. The doctor told her that women who are workaholics (like my mom) tend to have these kinds of problems because they tend to not have many close friends that they confide in. And my mom agreed that yes that sounded like her, she’s only ever confided in her sister, who she happens to be on the outs with right now, and that could be the cause for the anxiety attacks.
Anyways, I don’t think this is true for ALL women but he did recommend that she try talking to someone before trying medication. He told her that she didn’t have to talk to a therapist it could be a close friend. Apparently women who talk to their friends about the stress and problems in their life tend to not be as effected when stressful situations come up! I hope you can work things out, being stressed all the time is no fun!
You are so honest and I love that about your blog. I have been depressed before over a stupid breakup with a shitty guy (it was a long time ago). It got so bad my parents made me go to counseling and “talk” about it. My parents paid for very expensive “crying sessions” as I called them and they recommended I take anti-depressants. That made me snap out of it. No way am I taking medication for something that can be fixed on my own. I totally understand your fear of taking medication. I think this point in your life is already stressful so that’s probably adding to everything, but like you said, it hasn’t gotten any better over the years. Go for those free sessions, it can’t hurt right?
I used to have really bad anxiety. I forced myself to believe it was all in my head and never actually recieved help. I actually was able to deal with it on my own but know how to calm myself down.
However, my advice is to tell someone you know (in real life) and feel comfortable with. Get their opinion. If you really think you should be getting help, then you need to see someone about it. There is no harm in getting it checked out.
I went through something similar to this my sophomore year of college and again my junior year. Both times it happened once the weather started to get cold and the sun wasn’t shining nearly often enough, so maybe it was seasonal affective disorder. I still don’t know. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get up in the morning once I did fall asleep, I lost my appetite, my brain was always working a million miles a minute… I still go through bouts of this, though not nearly as badly as I used to.
I don’t know what exactly changed about life that made me snap out of that. I mean, I didn’t exactly snap out of it… I slowly got better until one day I was like, “oh. I’m happy again. Sweet.” It sounds weird, but I think things started improving when I started drinking coffee regularly. Is it the caffiene? Is it the few minutes a day that I get to call my own and go through my head and relax? I don’t know.
I know that since that time I’ve been eating healthier, much much MUCH less sugar, and while I’m no work-out queen, I am more active now than I maybe ever have been. I think having a healthy body promotes having a healthy mind.
I have no real advice for you. All I can say is that there is NO harm in seeing a therapist, or just making small changes in your life here and there to see if anything helps. I wish you the very best…
You should most definitely find a therapist and take advantage of the free sessions offered through your insurance. I had some pretty bad depression about a year ago, and after just a couple of sessions with a therapist I started to feel better.
They give you the tools to make sense of your own head. And they can help you decide if medication is necessary or not.
You need to do this. It will help you immensely.
I cannot say I’ve personally had experience with anxiety. Though my mom has all her life. In her case, she’s bi-polar. She goes through periods of mania whether high or low. A lot of her symptoms seem similar, but then again that doesn’t mean that you are bi-polar. Being bi-polar generally has to do with genetics.
I think personally that going to see a therapist would be the best way to start off. If I were thrown into your position I think that I’d feel the same way about asking for help and also medication. I’m not entirely sure I would want to see a therapist. I’ve never agreed with the concept, but that’s a personal feeling. Based on what you’ve said, that sounds like a starting point. From there you can determine what you might have and what to do about all of it.
I hope that you figure out everything soon and that maybe all the comments you’ve gotten will help.
I have been having the same issues lately. I feel like my heart is racing and I have a hard time breathing even at times when I don’t seem to be stressed out. Like you I have had a hard time deciding whether I should turn to medicine, but the idea of it makes me feel out of control. I don’t really have any advice for you, but if it is really worrying you maybe you should see a doctor. Good luck, try to calm down!
I don’t have that much first-hand experience with this kind of anxiety, so I will offer my opinion on what I do have experience with. Therapy/counseling has been so beneficial for me, and I think it’s a pity that someone has to be dealing with something unusually difficult before she can justify seeing one. I’m very reflective and inclined to self-analyze, and I thought I understood myself well before therapy, but it has given me so many valuable insights into the way I think and see the world. Obviously, not all therapists are equally helpful, but I would highly recommend giving it a try.
You realize you’re not getting anywhere with this issue on your own, and you don’t want things to stay the same. To me, you sound ready to do what it will take to make your life better. Good luck!
I am a day late. I am sorry.
I deal with anxiety everyday. The best thing I have found to help myself is self-talk (taught to me by a therapist). My advice to you is to find someone to talk to. Drugs aren’t always necessary so please do not let that hold you back.
You are not alone, girlie. (As you see from the other comments too!)
sorry to be jumping on the bandwagon so late – i’m catching up on a weeks worth of my reader – talk about feeling anxious!!
i’m sorta in a similar place to you – realizing i’ve probably been struggling with this for years but finally dealing with it now. for me there are a ton of patterns that i notice…after the fact. like post knotty-stomach, sleepless night i realize oh, wow, i’ve got a lot on my mind but i don’t do anything to correct the issues for next time. drugs (the prescription kind) have helped me. and wine too. it’s little by little but i think remembering to breathe is the most important. and writing for yourself…right?
{ 1 trackback }