An Excerpt from My Novel

I’m doing something I never thought I’d do. But, that’s pretty much blogging in a nutshell for me. So, I’ll step outside the comfort zone again. No explanations. And, no disclaimers–except to say that I’m not giving disclaimers, which is itself a major disclaimer.

The numbness that had set in the day before had yet to retreat, and Haley changed her mind again: it was worse than the anger. For a long time, she lay in bed, staring at the walls. Yearning to feel something, even if it was pain, she walked to her closet. It was easier now that her mother had washed and folded all the clothes that had been piled there before.

She grabbed the red journal, and sat down right on the floor. She flipped through the pages again, but she didn’t read anything. It was as if the emotion was sitting just below the surface, waiting for her to open the book again. The tears welled up in her eyes, but she wiped them away, careful to catch them before they fell down and streaked her face. She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself.

She had to get away from her father. The house was too small, and the walls too thin; he was sure to come and check on her soon. But, she knew the only way to get away from him was to walk right past him. She continued to breathe deeply, and willed the tears to stop collecting in her eyes.

She waited a few minutes for the rain to stop, and then she walked out to the porch where her father sat reading the newspaper. “I think I’m going to go for a walk,” she said.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No, I think I’ll go alone.”

He sighed. “At least take a coat. There’s no telling how long it will stay dry.”

She walked back into the house and grabbed a large green raincoat from the hall closet.

When she walked back out, he said, “have a good time,” but the words hung strangely in the air. They didn’t fit. They both knew that.

She walked down the porch steps, across the driveway, and through the small gate that opened out to the field. The first sob escaped her not long after she was past the gate, and though she feared her father had heard her, she continued to walk without looking back.

She walked faster now. She was almost to the far edge of the field, where the grass grew tall and green, when the sobs started coming so hard that she couldn’t walk anymore. She fell to her knees in the wet dirt. She was positioned now so that the large white barn blocked her father from seeing her from the porch.

Her mind was back to racing, but her body seemed to be acting on its own instinct. She shook so hard that she had to place her hands on the cold, wet ground to keep from falling over.

The realization that had felt so dull the day before stabbed at her sharply now. Ally was lost forever, and so was Haley. There was no going back–no making it right. They really weren’t that different after all. Fragile girls just waiting to fall apart. If Ally hadn’t been strong enough, then Haley knew she had no hope.

Maybe this was the last cry before she could get better, or maybe this was just the last cry. Something about it seemed final.

She thought of her mom and her dad, of her aunt and uncle. She would live for them if she could, but it didn’t seem possible anymore. Finally, her knees shook so badly that she fell over onto the wet grass. She laid there until the rain began to fall again, the cold drops stinging her face. She pulled the hood of the coat up over her head, but she couldn’t shield her face from the rain that was falling faster now.

It felt like she was going to drown if she didn’t stand up. She couldn’t breathe anymore with the rain hitting so hard. So, with more energy than she thought she had, she rolled over and planted one hand into the dirt. She made it to her knees, but then froze there, deciding whether to fall back to the ground or make the move to her feet. Without a conscious thought, her weight was on one foot and then the other.

Haley had the sense to pull the jacket tighter around herself as she stumbled back toward the house. She thought he would be there on the porch waiting for her, worried since the rain had started again. But, the porch was empty when she finally reached it.

She walked through the house to the kitchen. She was silent until he noticed her.

“Haley?” He said cautiously.

“I need help.” She said.

I know it’s hard to comment on things like this. I love you to pieces if you simply read this far. Okay, I’m going to go have a panic attack now.