. . . Oh I rush and rush until life’s no fun
All I really gotta do is live and die
But I’m in a hurry and don’t know why.”Alabama, “I’m in a Hurry”
I’m the kind of person who has to get where I’m going as fast as possible, whether I’m in a hurry or not. If I wasn’t so inhibited, I’d break into a run more often. I mean, I appear patient, but I’m really not very patient at all. I’ve always been this way, really. That’s why I remember these Alabama lyrics from a short CMT phase I went through years and years ago. I was like, “hey, that’s me.”
But, this time last year, that pull I’d always felt to hurry up turned into thoughts that raced through my head at an uncomfortable pace and a feeling in my body like my feet weren’t on the ground. I didn’t have an explanation for it. I still don’t. But, it was so intense that I was relieved when I thought for a moment that there might be a medical explanation.* I’d never before felt crazy, but I felt crazy then.
As the months passed, I slowly began to feel more like myself. I began to calm down. But, as I look back now, it seems as if this has been years in the making, and maybe I was going through a minor crisis then, but in general I seem to get more and more anxious all the time. I feel it bodily. It’s physically uncomfortable.
I always think to myself that it’s just a passing phase. Right now I’m saying that I’ll calm down once I hear back from PhD programs. What? Best case scenario, I’ll then have to deal with the panic of starting a PhD! I’m realizing now that this is something I have to find some way to deal with, because it’s not going to go away.
Probably the weirdest thing about it is that I can’t quite make sense of myself as this person. I think of myself as that calm person everyone sees. I don’t know who this girl is. Maybe that’s why I’ve deluded myself into thinking that whatever I’m feeling is just a phase. But, no definition of me can be separated from the things I do and the way I feel. I’m always me.
*In February of last year, I found out I had high blood pressure, which is pretty weird for a healthy young person. They did all kinds of tests, and my doctor thought for a while that I might have hyperthyroidism. That would mean that there was too much thyroid hormone in my body, making my metabolism go crazy. If your metabolism is going nuts, then it’s like your body is in overdrive. That could have explained the weird way I felt and my racing mind. But, my thyroid levels were fine when they did the blood work.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe something like yoga (doesn’t have to be the slow relaxing type, if something more intense like power yoga does the trick it has the same effect really) or meditation would help? I’ve been doing yoga for a while and it clears my head of everything I’m stressing about and just slows everything down. And afterwards I feel really collected and energized.
While I do agree that you should feel happy and comfortable, there’s nothing wrong with not being calm and being in a hurry and “running” around. I quote my beloved Kerouac:
“I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
But this all as long as it’s not something medical related, but I hope you can find a place where you feel comfortable and like yourself.
I can sometimes be in a big hurry about life, but for the most part I am pretty laid back. I think thats why I have a hard time being in big cities, everyone there always seems like they are in such a huge hurry, very few people take time to really look at whats around them. Its the small town-ness in me, take your time, enjoy each part of the journey, just breathe.
I’m the same way! I don’t stop or slow down ever. I just rush through things and after they are done I get mad at myself for not appreciating/ enjoying it. I stress myself out and put a ton of pressure on myself. It’s definitely something I am working on.
I am so like this too.I wish I liked to run…maybe I could get really skinny.
I am always panicking or trying to get somewhere or do something. I’m never content with just nothing-ness.
I’m the same way. When I need to do something, like, NOW, I wish I had it done five minutes ago. I don’t like to lolligag.
I was definitely the same way in college, so what do they do? They prescribed Adderall with the hopes of helping me focus, but OMG, it drove me crazy! I can count on on hand how often I actually took it. After I didn’t have deadlines, things settled down for me so much, but I miss the hurried pace, so I am making projects for myself now!
I’m so like that too. I agree with what another commentor said about practiciing Yoga, it really relaxes me and clears my head! I’m still working on the meditation thing though, my mind is just racing way too fast for my own good!
I have a feeling a lot of your anxiety is related to waiting to hear from school. I’m going through the same thing now and it’s torture. Deep breaths, it’ll be ok.
Oh my gosh! I’m the same way! I had high BP this time last year. I twas very nerve racking. but I think I’m all better now. Things could change upon graduating, however…
I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way to school. Very random.
sometimes I DO break into a run to get where I’m going! and I am a natural power-walker. especially if I’ve had a lot of caffeine. I also agree with the yoga comments.
I do understand. It’s like the world is coming to an end and you don’t feel like you have time for anything and not enough time to get things done. Even just typing this I feel I’ve got to go as fast as I can or I’m just going to burst! And when I’m laying down or just sitting there I just can’t get relaxed. I’m always uptight because I can’t get this rushing feeling.
If you have found out what this is, I’d sure like to know!