I wrote this post while I was home in Washington over Christmas break.
I was sitting on the couch, thinking about my Grandma. Timidity defined her early life, and she spoke about it with sadness, but also with pride. She was angry at the people who knew how sensitive she was, and tortured her by being harsh and mean. A high school teacher came up often, but mostly her dad. He was mean and cold and selfish. If he ever put her interests ahead of his, I’d be shocked to learn of it.
When the weather was really bad, he’d drive my grandma into the city for high school. He was going that way anyway. My grandma was the first in her family to attend high school. But, her father would never get her there on time, and when she’d walk into class late, that high school teacher would yell at her in front of everyone, and make fun of her for being from the country.
My dad interrupted my thoughts to ask if I needed anything. A beer? Some coffee? Should he turn the heat up? Did I want to go anywhere?
I thought, then, about my mom and her dad. He told her she could do anything. He protected her from the harshness of the world. He celebrated her success in school. All while my grandma served him his meals and ironed his clothes.
It’s an amazing change from one generation to the next. But, the thought of my grandpa waiting on my mom, asking her whether she needed anything, not wanting her to bother getting off the couch if unnecessary, is of course ridiculous.
My dad wants me to be successful, and he has always encouraged me. It was hard for him to accept that I was not going to go into business or study law, but now he supports me doing what I want to do. He knows I’m the best judge of that.
And, when I visit his house, I don’t do the ironing or the cooking. I don’t even know how to iron or cook. I barely lift a finger. We do what I want to do.
You can measure progress in a number of ways. It’s not always perfect. Like, now I’m 25, and I don’t know how to iron my work clothes or cook for myself! But, I wouldn’t trade my relationship with my dad for anything. He believes in me more than I believe in me. I can talk back to him. He encourages me to pursue my interests. And, he orders the pizza and serves it.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow- this is a really good post. I like it a lot.
Like you said, it really is amazing how those dynamics and relationships can change over time. And while there’s no definitely right or wrong way, I think our generation can find happiness as a result and along with our relationships with our parents, instead of in spite of them. I hope that made sense.
The way I am with my mom is a lot like your relationship with your dad. And yeah, sometimes I feel guilty about it. But I think our parents’ generation understands that we can give back in different ways- by being kind, nice people and contributing to the world to make it better. Those things are so much bigger than who cooks or does the ironing, you know?
But, again, this is a fabulous post and I liked it a lot.
That’s quite a difference between your relationship and her relationship. Stories like that can make you cherish what you have when it seems that it’s not always good. I’m not too sure, though, what your dad saw in business and law as you are just as successful in English or Theology as those.
I love how neither of you can cook.
I don’t know much about the environment that my parents grew up in, but I’m guessing that the generational differences will be even more radical with my own kids. Although I can’t even imagine what kind of differences those will be.
Wow it really is amazing how far we have come. My grandparents also talk about the “good old days” which makes me realize how lucky we (and future generations) are. The economy may be tough right now, but at least we have family!
This is beautiful.
I don’t have much of a healthy relationship with either parent, and this illuminates it a bit. Not in a bit way, though because all things, as much as I’d love to say my parents helped me, I helped me, in being something different than they were.
it’s always incredibly enlightening to listen to the stories of our grandparents and then to think of our own stories. it’s interesting to see how some things have changed as generations go by, while others may not have changed as much as we thought.
have you ever thought of recording your grandmother when she talks about her childhood? i began doing that with my grandfather a few years ago, and it’s been an amazing to know that i’ll always be able to hear his history, in his words, in his voice. it’s also just a great record to have for future generations!
It’s definitely interesting to analyze your family history and see what kind of background your parents and grandparents came from, especially because it affects the way you’re brought up so much, even if there are a lot of differences between the generations. In fact, that often has a lot to do with it, because wish for more opportunities for their children than they had, and it’s important to recognize cycles of negativity in your family and break that. The shift from one generation to the next is amazing, and it’s great to see it move in such a positive direction. It’s also nice to see you take none of it for granted, and are aware of the hardships your grandmother faced in contrast with how great your relationship with your father is. Very thoughtful post.
I love this post and second everyone’s sentiments on it’s beauty.
My take is this:
I hope things change so much that my future son will wheel me around the house on a cot, do all my chores, and spoon feed me… all while I’m still healthy and perfectly capable of taking care of myself.
Payback, bitches.