I’ve been having some weird thoughts lately. It started on Thanksgiving when I was watching my own little marathon of House Hunters and Curb Appeal (thank you hulu.com) at the same time that I was filling out grad school applications.
I love HGTV, even though I don’t own a home, probably won’t own one for another couple decades, and the walls of my apartment are completely bare. I don’t have cable, though, so I have to get my fill the few times a year I visit my parents.
Anyway, I was filling out my applications while watching all these happy (seemingly, at least) families find new houses or fix up the ones they already own, and I realized how alone I am and how free I am.
I mean, I’m applying to programs all over the country. And, I can go wherever I want. Yeah, there’s the whole matter of getting accepted, but given that, where to go is my decision and there really isn’t anything tying me to any one location. My family is in Washington, but I already live in California, so that’s not an obstacle.
I know a word like “alone” is not baggage free. Here, I don’t know what to say. I’m not overwhelmingly sad or happy to have all this freedom. I’m not indifferent either. I’m both happy and sad at the same time. It feels cool, actually. This is a good place for me to be at 24, but I wouldn’t want to stay in this state forever.
I’ve always had all this freedom, but I’ve never had the confidence or courage to do much with it. Because, when you take the responsibility for making your own decisions, instead of letting the world make them for you, then you’re saddled also with the responsibility if things don’t work out. It’s risky. But, I’m done letting that fear stop me. That’s the idea anyway.
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Just for the record in terms of owning a house, it does hold one back as if they lose their job they are stuck with a house they may not be able to sell. So yeah, renting can be somewhat free.
As far as risks go, just be somewhat conservative in your risks and I’m sure you’ll do quite fine.
yeah, it’s a unique situation that not everyone even gets to be in. It’s kinda scary thinking about how one choice can change the course of your life (ie. where will you be living for the next 5 years) but I like to think that whatever decision you make will work out. Or, that there’s no “wrong” choice.
I think about that often. I live with a roommate who pretty much lives with his girlfriend. Last night I didn’t talk to anyone. All I did was clean and watch food network. I am completely free and have no one to really worry about except myself.
Sometimes I get lonely, but sometimes I love it.
I’m in a similar spot. My family/friends are in Texas and I am in NYC. I have roommates but we rarely see each other. It is nice to have the freedom to watch a movie or go running or surf the web whenever I want, but at times it can be lonely.
As far as freedom goes, having the freedom to do everything doesn’t mean you have to do it all. I have felt the pressure of being in NYC to go out and do all sorts of crazy things, when really I just want to sit at home and read. And I think freedom means I can do just that.
My boyfriend wants to stay in Kansas, but I desperately want to go home to california. not being alone definitely has it’s drawbacks nd so does being Free, I think
My husband and I are just now in the process of buying a home (and I too am filling out grad applications–what a PAIN), a year and a half after we sold our previous home and, on a whim, moved to California (I was in an Americorps Vista program in Humboldt County). When I was in that place or applying to do Vista, selling our house, and deciding where we’d live (it could be anywhere!) it was exciting and scary, and ultimately very challenging to be in a completely brand new place where didn’t know anyone, but in the end the experience was worth every minute of loneliness and homesickness I felt during the year. Good luck with your choice–it will be exciting no matter what!
How was I not aware of hulu.com until now? Fantastic!
I really don’t know what I want right now, whether I want to be free or otherwise. I have a fear of being trapped, and a fear of being alone at the same time.
The day we closed on selling the house was the most liberating day of my life. That house was nothing but a money drain, and now we can use our mental energies on things that really matter to us. I am glad we got the itch of owning a house out of the way early, because now we won’t work toward that, wondering what it is like!
Frankly, I think you’re being pretty courageous going to school far from family, and even more so by continuing your education even further.