I want to quickly tell you how warm and fuzzy it made me feel to learn that many of you were once loyal NSYNC fans. I had a terrible headache all day Monday, which was so frustrating, because I had a million things to get done, but could only manage to get through the bare minimum. Reading your comments made the day a lot better, though, and I replied to every one. Seriously, God must have spent a little more time on yoooooouuu. ;)
I really don’t think of myself as an insecure person. But, maybe I should. I mean, I know I can do things well, but there’s some sort of breakdown when I have to tell people I’m good at things–when I have to sell myself. I’m willing to stand behind my work, but saying “I’m good at —.” No, I can’t do that. That takes an extra bit of confidence I just don’t have.
Take writing, for instance. The first time I remember being recognized for my writing was fourth grade. Since fourth grade, I’ve received nothing but positive feedback about my writing. Every new level of education I reach, every new teacher I have, I wait for someone to tell me I suck at writing. It hasn’t happened.
Of course it’s not all about what other people think. For a long time, I didn’t understand the praise, because I saw nothing that amazing about my writing. Then I started studying writing more closely and helping other people with their writing. That’s when I discovered that coherence in writing is not as common as I’d always thought. And, writing that can communicate complex ideas in a style that’s not difficult to read is also somewhat rare. I still don’t think there’s anything amazing about my writing, but I take pride in my simple style.
That paragraph right there? You know, the one above this one? That was hard to write. I basically said I was a good writer. And, now I want to take it back or at least qualify it more than I already have. Looking at what I actually wrote, though, I feel pretty ridiculous. First off, the most I praise myself for is being coherent and easy to read. Second, phrases like “not as common” and “somewhat rare” are major qualifiers. Third, I flat out said that I don’t think my writing is all that great. And, fourth, I have this whole paragraph that is also working to chip away at the tiny bit of confidence I expressed in the one above.
I mean, I figure I have enough confidence to get by in daily life. What kind of arrogant jerk goes around saying they’re good at things anyway? But, what about job interviews? And what about the very task that inspired this post: my personal statement to get into a doctoral program!
I have to say what I’m good at, and I have to do it confidently. I don’t think they’ll be impressed with, “Well . . . I’m kinda sorta good at writing and thinking or whatever. I guess. At least, people have told me so. I don’t know . . . .” Follow that up with a shoulder shrug, and you’re golden!
I know this isn’t a rare problem. I see it all the time in the ways people undersell themselves, and especially in the ways they provide disclaimers before they’re willing to stick their necks out. “This may be a dumb question, but . . . .” “I’m really tired, so I don’t know if this makes sense, but . . . .” “I’ve never done this before, so . . . .” All these disclaimers are aimed at lowering expectations, and letting other people know that you know just how much you suck, so they can’t be disappointed later and you won’t look overconfident.
Maybe I’ll never be able to say what I’m good at without being a little uncomfortable. Maybe the words will always sound fake. But, I don’t want these stupid insecurities to hold me back from doing what I want to do, and, unfortunately, doing what I want to do means convincing other people that I’m capable of doing what I want to do.
So, right now I’m building myself up. I’m trying to work myself into a confident state where I can say, “Hey, I’d be awesome for your school!” without cringing. But, they can’t see me cringe anyway, right?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
no, they can’t :) Personal statements are hard. Maybe get someone to read it and tell you where you are selling yourself short!
No they can’t! and you’re not the only one that feels that way about selling yourself. No worries, dear!
I think we all tend to sell ourselves short–I feel much better talking about where I need improvement rather than where I already excel. By the way, if your writing wasn’t good, I would have stopped reading a long time ago–what can I say? I’m picky!
when i was in junior high, at the end of the semester when he was calculating grades, one of my teachers would make his students go up to his desk and tell him the grade they think they deserved. all i remember is being told that that was the one time to never be humble; to be proud of my skills. i still said i thought i deserved a B-.
i think self-marketing is one of the most difficult things we have to do in life, especially for naturally shy people. but i’m going to echo what everyone else has said and tell you not to sell yourself short! just from your blog alone, which is probably a much more relaxed, conversational style of writing than your formal pieces, it’s obvious you are a great writer! and i tend to by rather critical of writing (not that you can tell by my own… see?! disclaimer! boo!).
so go forth and let all those interviewers know how lucky they would be to have you!