Lisa and I need your opinions.
You know Lisa. She’s been my bff for 10 years (then 14 going on 15, now 24 going on 25–gah), and she’s the only person in my real life who knows about this blog. Thankfully, she’s good with secrets. When she’s not busy exchanging 3593490 facebook messages a day with me, she’s studying the law here in Southern California.
Lisa and I have joked over the years about how we’re almost the same person. It’s not true. She’s taller. But, in some ways we are remarkably similar. Like, we’re smart girls, but we don’t understand the social habits of normal, outgoing people. We’re both self aware enough to know what we don’t know, but still unable to crack the code.
What eludes us most are outwardly friendly people. You know, those people who aren’t appropriately turned off by shyness and awkwardness, and instead keep reaching out. We don’t understand the motives of these people, and often unfairly, we question them. Lisa stares at these people like they’re crazy. I’d like to think I look a little more subtlety confused, but I probably don’t.
Now that I’ve convinced you all that Lisa and I are sufficiently weird, I’ll get to my point. Lisa has encountered one of these outwardly friendly people at school. It started with repeated questioning regarding the architecture of her undergrad about which Lisa knows nothing, and has escalated to the point where, on his insistance, they’re regularly carpooling to school. For this reason, we’ve named him Carpooling bf.
As I understand it, he’s a nice guy. But, Lisa’s been mildly concerned that he’s interested in more than friendship, which is a problem, because she’s not interested. So, she’s acted a little distant and sent all the friends-only signals she can. She’s responded politely to all his IMs about nothing. But, yesterday he asked if she wanted to get a drink after school. Weird, because it was only 3 pm.
I’ve always heard from male friends that a guy won’t bother with all that just to be a girl’s friend. But, since we’re incompetent in the ways of normal outgoing behavior, Lisa and I aren’t sure of Carpooling bf’s motives. Lisa doesn’t want to lead him on, but he doesn’t seem to take any hints. I, myself, have always dealt with situations like this by immaturely becoming cold and distant and clearly uninterested. That’s not working for Lisa this time.
So, questions:
1). Is it safe to assume this guy’s gaming for something more than friendship?
2). Not knowing his motives, how can Lisa get the message across that she’s not interested? Keep in mind that she’s a really nice person, and she’s going to have to see him at school for the next couple years.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Hmm… Get access to his Facebook, or what have you, and send him an anonymous message! That’s how I’d do it. This way you’re not putting yourself on the line. You might not get an answer, though. People don’t tend to divulge details like that to anonymous folks on the Internet … except for bloggers.
But really, I’d say to make up as many excuses as possible for going out on a date date (drinking counts, possibly?). I think he’ll get the message, but he may or may not try to change the way he feels about it.
Oh, and definitely don’t listen to an iPod with one headphone in his ear and one in hers. That’s a lead on if I’ve ever been involved in one…
And try to look, not pretty. That’s a lead on too. I know it might be difficult, but she’s gotta do it. Mess up hair, never wear make up (if you do, make sure it’s bad), wear huge sweat pants and loose shirts.
On the other hand, she could always act pregnant.
Even if he doesn’t THINK he’s gaming for more than friendship, subsconsciously he is. But how to put him off? I guess the only thing to do is try her best not to lead him on (easier said than done, I know) and, if he DOES still make a move, be honest about the fact she doesn’t like him in that way. It’s one of those things where she probably won’t be sure he IS into her until he makes a move or puts all his cards on the table, so I don’t think she should say anything unless he tries that . . . otherwise it will make her look bigheaded!
I’d say tell Lisa to send him a message explaining she’s having a great time hanging out with him and really values him as her friend, but that she’s worried he might think she’s into him, and that she just wants to make clear she’s not because the situation could become awkward otherwise and she doesn’t want to ruin this friendship.
Best to be clear and direct, I’d say.
My instinct is that at first glance, guys will judge whether or not to approach on her date-ability. It’s not until they really get ot know a girl where they will want to either date or be friends.
As for not interested, try talking about other dudes and how she doesnt want a relationship right now.
I would just politely say that I can’t make it every time he asks to do something with him, without necessarily making up some other excuse. Just a “sorry, I can’t. have a great afternoon/evening though!”enough times should do it. But always with a smile since she’s still a nice person!
The easiest way or the politest way? A polite way would be to kindly be honest. The easiest way would be to flirt with other guys when he’s around and tell him if he knows any of the guys so he can set them up. Guys can be thick, but I doubt he’s that thick.
As far as assuming goes, he could want to be friends, but you’ve brought up a point that keeps me from avoiding friendship with females. The assumption that a guy asking to “hang out” is implied for a date is not always true. Many of us will directly say, “I’d like to take you out for dinner sometime” versus “want to hang out and get a drink?” But if he doesn’t separate these, well then it’s his fault.
I have to say he could be but chances are no. Don’t read the “I want to be more then friends” just because he wanted to get a drink after school does not mean anything.
I ask people if they want to do this or do that sometimes just to get them out to do something. Especially if they are shy. It could be she is acting shy and he is hoping to draw her out a little more just to be nice and be friends.
Well, it seems like he wants to be more than friends… but I think she could get a drink with him if she wants. If it still seems like he wants more, than I would tell her to be honest with him. Tell him she is okay with being friends, but that’s it. Hopefully he’ll get the message.
Thanks for your opinions everyone. You really came through for us.
I have a few BFFs who are guys. We have never been anything more and we hang out all of the time. I don’t think him wanting to hang out means he’s scamming for more – but it COULD be the case.
My trick for keeping men as FRIENDS ONLY is to talk to them about the other men in my life. I find that most men know that a girl who talks about other men in front of them is not interested in them.
Oh and I just thought of one more thing. :)
I usually will be like, “We’re friends right? I mean like we are (insert something like carpooling BFFs) right? There’s this guy (insert down the street, at school, at work, at the grocery store) and I think he’s totally hot. I’m crushing on him. Do you have any advice?” or something like that … it’s a great way to help him save face in case he WAS interested in more – and it VERY clearly reinforces there never WILL be anything more.
Although I just blogged about how much I suck at dating, I am going to suggest that until a move is made that is ridiculously obviously not platonic (like an attempted kiss or calling something a date) she continue as though this is just building a friendship.
I just feel like I’ve played the get distant game on occasion and it can ruin a friendship as well as avoid unwanted affection. I feel like the friendship is worth keeping. The thing to avoid? Getting caught up in the moment and going along with something ridiculously and obviously not platonic. That is a guaranteed way to mess things up, especially when you have to explain that it was “an accident” or “unintentional” and that he’s a “nice guy” but that it can never happen again.