I’m one of those people that other people think has everything together. What a disaster of a sentence. What I mean is that people always think I’m organized, disciplined, and on top of things. Last year I was talking to a classmate and I said something about how I’d procrastinated all weekend, and she steps back, gives me this weird look, and says, “You? You procrastinate? I don’t believe it. Miss Perfect Student?” Even professors of mine will say things like this. Bosses too. And, it’s not just people who don’t know me very well. My mom, my best friends . . . they say the same things.
I hope you don’t think I’m bragging. All of this is to say that despite appearances, I feel like a complete mess most of the time. To my mind, I’m always procrastinating, always running around crazy, never doing as much as I should, always slacking. I am not the person people think I am.
With as much perspective as I can manage, I think that the reality is probably somewhere between what I think of me and what everyone else thinks of me. But, for now, I’m not interested in trying to describe reality. What I care about is the way that my habits make me feel. And, they make me feel stressed and ridiculous.
In my life, I’ve often guaranteed myself disappointment and a feeling of failure by setting impossibly high standards. I’ve missed my own accomplishments, because I’ve been too focused on the goals I didn’t reach. But, I’m in a better place now, and I think I can make changes to my life and habits that are reasonable. I have to do something, because I can’t stand feeling this way anymore.
It’s something hard to explain. But, a while ago, I wrote a post about how procrastination had become more of an emotional problem for me than a laziness problem. I put things off, especially big things, because I’m scared of facing them. I’m scared of discovering that I can’t write that paper, that that grad school won’t want me, that I’m not talented enough to get published, so I keep myself self safe by not trying. All of this is highly irrational. Honestly, I have yet to hit a wall of failure. And, I eventually do take care of all of these things after I’ve spent every second possible stressing about them.
By stress, I mean tear myself up, avoid, weigh myself down, agonize. If all of this sounds ridiculous for someone talking about writing papers and building a CV, then I’ve described the situation accurately. It is ridiculous. It is completely ridiculous. Not to mention irrational. And, I am stronger and smarter than to keep going on this way.
Let’s get specific. There are two major things I want to accomplish now, and not later. I want to write my thesis and apply to PhD programs. There are smaller things too: a paper to write, a book review to start. Everything is looming so big that I hesitate to begin. But, I don’t want to procrastinate any longer.
The optimistic American in me keeps saying, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, girl! I’m still hopeful, but I’ve been trying that Just Do It! Nike attitude for a while now, and it’s not working. The next step is telling people how I feel. Because, don’t get me wrong, I feed off of people thinking I’m perfect. As much as I try to tell them it’s not true, I secretly wish they’ll continue thinking it. That makes it hard to be honest sometimes and admit that I’m not nearly as calm and confident as I appear. So, I told my friend Lisa that I’m a mess; she argued with me. And, I told my mom how I felt; she said she was sure I’d get everything done that I needed to. Then I said, I know you think that about me, but I still feel like a mess. They understood.
Included in this step is, of course, telling you all. And, if this isn’t enough to get me going in a productive direction, then I will move on to the next step: asking for help. This would, I think, mean asking my dad–the most productive, goal-oriented person I have ever met–to check in with me regularly (like, daily) and give me someone to be accountable to. Everything in me wants to do it myself, to keep up my I’m an island charade, but maybe I would be better off reaching out. Whatever I do, I can’t stay here.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow–that sounds so much like how I was feeling in school. I was pulling together an honors thesis, leading different campus groups, and doing well in class, but deep down, I was freaking out. This eventually led me to stall on everything, and at several points, I just wanted to drop all of it!
It obviously got better, but now I’m thinking about grad school. Am I crazy?
At least you are able to be objective with yourself! You’ve said it before, you’re not a BS-er. And I think that writing about it or making goals on a blog gives you some accountability, even though we wouldn’t even know if you were making progress or not — I know that I’ve been better at realizing my (small) goals when I write them on my blog.
I’m a complete and utter procrastinator – I’ve not even started the creative writing course i paid for in may, and I can’t even do the day to day stuff like tidying my room and packing for my holiday . . . instead I’m online!
I know exactly how you feel. I’m not going to law school because I’m pretty confident that I won’t get in and even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I used to be a painter too, but I stopped because I didn’t think I could paint anything worthwhile anymore. God, I sound pathetic!
I too, have been told that I am neurotically organized. But I feel like a hot mess all the time. I feel ya!
it’s a strange thing, the need for people to think we’re perfect and put-together and successful in our ambition, existing simultaneously with the need for them to know that we’re NOT perfect. that we can screw up, and procrastinate, and let the pressure get us down now and then.
the main thing, and the hardest i think, is to finally realize that we’re not supposed to be doing this life/success thing alone. we’re not islands, and we’re not alone. that’s why we have friends and families and blogs! we’re supposed to share what’s hard and stressful, just like we’re supposed to share what’s good and fun. it makes us people.
That’s almost exactly how I feel. I avoid things that I am scared of failing. I set really high standards for myself and then put a lot of pressure on myself to reach them. I only focus on my failures rather than successes.
Thanks everyone!
Elizabeth: In my opinion, grad school is both harder and easier than everyone says. The things you thought were hard as an undergrad seem easy, but you have all this new pressure. I feel like I’m challenged constantly, which has taken an emotional toll, but it’s also led me to produce work at a quality I had no idea I was capable of. If it’s what you really want to do, then you have to do it!
Sophia: Yeah, I really hope being accountable here will help me. I can’t seem to do it all on my own.
Paula: Oh my gosh, the internet makes procrastinating so easy. So often I procrastinate by blogging.
Elizabeth2: Reading someone else say the same thing I feel makes me think that we absolutely cannot let fear stop us from doing what we want.
kahea: I always write the I’m an island stuff in an I’m-making-fun-of-myself tone, but I’m really having such a hard time getting past it. Maybe I should stop stalling, and just ask for help already. Thanks for the push.
liz: Focusing on my failures so much, it seems like I often take the joy right out of everything I accomplish. I don’t even realize what I’ve done until much later when I look back. It’s such a shame.
Self image is one very strange thing, take me, i knew i was smart, but had difficulty spelling, so compared myself to people who had the same level of writing skill. 25 years latter i discover i have dyslexia and an iq over 120, my self image was so wrong and had affected my whole life. You think you are one thing and use that to judge your world.
I am a procrastinator too … and an over-achiever and perfectionist. Talk about a great way to set myself up for failure! Even though I do well I always know in the back of my mind that I COULD have done better if I hadn’t have procrastinated …
I hope that doesn’t happen to you too! It’s kind of … well … sucky. :)
Interesting to know.