I am feeling . . . not my best. I don’t know what to say. It’s nothing serious. I’m just a little blue and for no obvious reason at all.
I’m really a very weak person, and it takes very little to make me want to bury my head under the covers. I don’t want to face things; I want to hide from them. But, hiding makes it all worse, and then I have to deal with the things I’ve avoided and disappointment in my self.
I went through this kick a couple years ago where the thing I wanted most for myself was to become a stronger person. In some ways I did become stronger and bolder, but in others I have become weaker and more vulnerable.
My value used to lie in being a nice person, a member of a family, a good friend. Now it’s so much about success in school and making something of myself. I used to stumble through with moderate success and that was okay with me. Now I’m this crazy perfectionist, and I cannot deal with the slightest mistakes, the slightest missteps. Every one, no matter how small, strikes right at my person and makes me want to give it all up, pack up and go home. I haven’t admitted defeat yet, and I probably never will, but still these thoughts are like weights, pulling me down.
I don’t want to end on that bum note, especially because it’s Friday and I always feel guilty for complaining when I’ve got it so good. Tonight I’m going to watch the debate (you better show up, Mr. McCain!) and eat some good food. I’m wishing you all very happy weekends, and I’ll see you next week.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m planning on watching the debate as well, over a lovely bottle of wine with my great friend.
I can understand your situation, only I’ve done it in the opposite way. I went from this person, who didn’t want to make mistakes, to someone who just writes mistakes off as ‘mistakes’ and doesn’t think twice. It’s horrible, and I hate it, but it’s just the way that things happened.
For so long I thought “Hey, mistakes are OK, just not for me.” So I’d want it all to be perfect. One day, after dating a wretched drug addict, I decided that mistakes were OK..even for me. And that marked the worst day ever.
I think…scratch that…I KNOW there needs to be a comfortable balance between the 2. Making sure things are up to par, but being OK with mistakes too.
It’s just a matter of getting there.
Sorry for your yucky Friday. The good news is..yuckiness ALWAYS goes away. :)
I totally understand how you feel.
Hope you have a great weekend and feel a bit better! :)
I agree, Katie. I think a balance is ideal. A fear of failure is self-defeating. Enjoy that wine! I mean, enjoy the debate. ;)
Thanks Paula!
Do me a favor – break down what you thought of the debate. I intend to watch it too, but I want to see how others thought of it. I am paying very close attention to those who present actual solutions versus those who just talk for hours with general terms. But I’d love to see if others picked up some things I may have missed.
Hope you feel better this weekend…try to focus on the positive!
Feel better! I hear ice cream warms up the blues.
Thanks everyone! I’m feeling better.
Hi Ashley,
There’s nothing like staying home on your comfortable couch on a Fri night watching TV. I watched the debates for a bit last night but fell asleep half way through. Sometimes a cozy friday night is all you need! I do it all the time! I hope you are feeling better today. Thanks for the add and I love your blog!
Amy