I wanted the title to be as dramatic as possible. The reality is not that dramatic–just a little sad.
I’m very practical. But, to be honest, I’ve made most of the major decisions in my life on what felt like whims. I guess they weren’t really whims. They were more like gut feelings. And, to my credit, once I had them, I usually took time to make sure they were also reasonable.
My gut feeling about where to go for a PhD? Chicago. My heart has been set on it for a couple years now. It’s an excellent program, a beautiful school, a place unlike anywhere I’ve lived before. But, these are only the justifications I came up with after the fact. I can’t really explain it. I just want to go there.
The second choice has always been to stay here. As far as practicality goes, it’s the clear winner. I already live here. I know my professors, and they know me (which is so important when everything rests on who you know). I know it’s a program I can complete in a reasonable amount of time. And, most importantly, it’s simply the best place in the world to study the kind of theology I do.
So, even though the best choice is obvious, my gut has not been able to follow my mind there. Part of me–a big part–thinks that giving up on Chicago means running away from a challenge and giving up on a dream.
But, the dream died today. My adviser confirmed what I already knew: the kind of theology I study is completely dying out in Chicago. Going there for a PhD would be a big mistake. So, while I’ve let feeling guide me so many times before, I can’t defy reason so wholly on a decision this important. Most likely, I’ll be staying here.
It’s hard to explain how I feel. There are so many good things about staying here, and I really think it’s the right decision. But, for the moment, I’m just a little sad. I’m mourning the passing of a dream.
