I feel untethered—like there’s nothing holding me in place. Many things in my life are ending, and I’m on the brink of so much new. The next year, especially, feels very uncertain. I live a life that seems very temporary. I’m only here studying for a certain amount of time, and the people I live and study with come and then go as they finish their degrees. My friends are scattered around the country pursuing their own goals. My family is mostly in Washington, where I don’t see myself returning anytime soon. Any job I take is only meant to support me while I work toward something greater.
I’m pretty certain I’ve discovered what it is I want to do, but there is so much room for doubt along the way. Am I talented enough? Can I stand up to the stress? Is this really satisfying? Working closely with one of my professors this year, and witnessing the constant pressure he is under, only pushed the doubts deeper.
It’s both exciting and terrifying to realize how much you determine your own future. I’m a student of theology, so I deal constantly with questions of free will. The particular movement of theology that I embrace places a special emphasis on freedom. I’m in too deep now to ever deny that I’m responsible for my own happiness.
I have more opportunities open to me than most people, and I think that gives me a special responsibility to do something with my life. Right now I feel myself hesitating. It’s part fear and part uncertainty. I don’t know where to step next. But, I can’t stand still. I’m going to have to risk failure and move forward.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I can really tell that you’re on edge about life–but literally “on edge.” Wanting to go forward but being hesitant and all of that. But you know what? Sometimes you’ve gotta take chances and roll with the punches. I’ll be rooting for you!
This was a really good, honest post. I sort of understand where you’re coming from, but in a way, I’ve already taken the leap— several actually. After I got my BA I rushed into whatever job I could get in my field that didn’t require me to live at home. Anyway, now I realize that wasn’t the step towards happiness, so once again I’m making another leap.
You can do this. It won’t be your last and that means it won’t be permanent. We’re faced with a bazillion choices throughout our lives. I have faith that you too can face the big ones and come out on top.
Good luck chica! I too am rooting for you.
Sounds like you have the zsa zsa zsu with life currently. It can be both terrifying and exciting at the same time. But that is what keeps things interesting, so enjoy the feeling. I am sure things will work out for the best and you’ll look back and be glad.