20 Down!

It happened today. I stepped on the scale, and I’m down 20 lbs. It’s been such a long time coming that it doesn’t seem quite as exciting as it should. When I started dieting and exercising in January, it was all I could think about. My weeks revolved around my Monday morning weigh-ins. I wasn’t obsessed in the ways I had been before, but weight loss was still at the fore of my mind always. But, as time passed, even though I continued to do the same things, weight loss moved further back in my mind. Now, I mostly just eat my normal foods and go to the gym when I should without thinking much about it. I guess you could call this all habit.

There’s a part of me that wants to scream, “But, it was such hard work!!!” It is hard work. No doubt. But, when you build up a routine over an extended period of time, it gets so much easier. I know how emotional it can be to lose weight. For a culture that values mind over matter, weight loss highlights every failure of self-control. And, that’s not to mention all the insecurities that come with just living in a body. I’m in such a different head space this time around, and it has made it possible for me to do everything it takes to lose weight while staying sane. I wish I could bottle this attitude and pass it on to others, but, to be honest, I don’t have the slightest idea where it came from. It’s not like me at all.

In weight loss, such a big deal is made of motivation. It was something I worried about when I started. I made elaborate plans for things to treat myself with when I reached each mini goal, and I put extensive thought into making weight loss seem fun and exciting. After nearly six months of this, my conclusion is that all of this talk about motivation is complete crap. You can’t get motivation from things and you can’t fabricate it yourself. You might be inspired by someone, but it’s not enough to keep you going for weeks and months and years.

I should have known all this already. I’ve been what they call a highly-motivated student for most of my life. What has been my motivation for working so hard all of these years? Hell if I know. It’s just what I do. It’s habit. It makes me happy. Every time I get an assignment, do I sit down and think about whether I should do it or not? No, I just do it, because the past is powerful, and I have a long history of being a good student. You only have to go from 0 to 1 once—maybe twice if you crash and burn. It does take self-discipline, but when you’re doing something you want to do, the motivation and drive to keep going will find you. You probably won’t even notice it until you look back and see that you’ve accomplished something. It didn’t happen as fast as you would have liked, it wasn’t dramatic either, but you did it.

I’m going to take this 20 lbs., and I’m going to keep going, because, at this point, it seems like it would take more energy to stop the train. And, one more thing: Yay me!